6 Ways to Care for the Introverts in Your Life

What is an Introvert?

Carl Jung popularized the terms Introvert and Extrovert. Introverts tend to be reserved and solitary, while Extroverts are typically characterized as outgoing and social. These two human personality traits are thought to exist on a single continuum, each representing an opposite end. It is understood that an individual’s levels of introversion and extroversion can fluctuate throughout the span of a lifetime.  

Understanding personality traits can help people determine what type of careers and activities best suit them, and to that end, levels of introversion-extroversion are evaluated on several personality tests, including the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. It is currently believed that extroverts outnumber introverts 3 to 1, so if you are in the extroverted majority, understanding how an introvert thinks and engages with the world may be new to you. The awareness that someone you love is an introvert can help you to realize their needs and understand their tendencies. Below are six ways you can care for the introverts in your life.

Recognize the introverted people in your life.

Recognizing the nature of your friends and family members and making the effort to try to accommodate them is care in the truest sense. Introverts think deeply about things and are likely to be very appreciative when you recognize the things they require to thrive.

Understand that after social exchanges, they will need a recharge.

Social interactions consume a lot of an introvert’s energy. After being in a social setting for a period of time, an introvert will need some quiet, solitary time to recharge. This is especially true for networking exchanges which can be extremely taxing for introverts. An introvert will shut down, feeling completely depleted, if they are not given sufficient time to recharge.

Give them plenty of alone time.

Similar to the time needed to recharge after social interactions, introverts also tend to need more solitary time than extroverts. For an introvert, quiet time or downtime is not boring, it is extremely satisfying and necessary for maintaining a feeling of balance.

Respect their tendency to be a quiet observer.

Introverts tend to be observers and deep thinkers. They will often not share opinions until they have had time to thoroughly think a subject through. Introverts often choose to think now and speak later. Not typically assertive or outspoken, they prefer to watch and listen until they feel that they have something important to contribute to a conversation. 

Shelve the small talk.

Introverts are best in one-on-one interactions where the subject matter is serious and the communication feels sincere. They typically enjoy discussing abstract, philosophical, and theoretical subjects over small talk.  Idle chatter may even cause the introverts in your life to feel stress and anxiety. Introverts prefer deep, thought-provoking conversations to casual chit chat. Additionally, introverts often let phone calls go directly to voicemail because they just don’t have the energy for a conversation.

Realize that what stimulates an extrovert, does not stimulate an introvert.

Parties and mingling with groups of strangers does not energize or stimulate introvert.  In fact, these activities can often overwhelm and exhaust them. Introverted people require a balance of social activity and solitude. And too much social stimulus can leave them feeling depleted.

Recognizing the needs of the ones you love is no small feat. If you are reading this article and it rings true for someone in your life, I hope you now feel better equipped to celebrate and appreciate the different personality traits that make connecting with others so rewarding.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to further discuss personality traits or the relationships in your life. I am available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://psychology.about.com/od/trait-theories-personality/f/introversion.htm

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/extraversion-or-introversion.htm

http://www.livescience.com/37427-extroverts-have-different-brain-processes.html

Super Connected: Does Social Media Make Us Feel More Lonely

With the ever expanding array of social media networks available today, from Twitter and Facebook to Instagram and Snapchat, it would appear that we are connecting in more ways than ever before. The truth is slightly more complicated. It appears that in some ways, social networks can actually make us feel more disconnected from others.

Technology shapes modern lives in a number of important ways. It facilitates rapid communication with people all over the globe, gives us instantaneous access to unfathomable amounts of information, and helps us do our jobs more efficiently. But more and more research is demonstrating that the increasing reliance on technology, and social media in particular, to fill our need for connection with other people is unrealistic. The stylish avatars and the carefully curated versions of our lives displayed on social networks lack the awkwardness and authenticity of real world connections. It appears that exchanges with online personas simply can’t satisfy the need for genuine relationships.

The promise and the reality of social media

Social networks are designed to strengthen relationships and enrich the lives of users by helping them keep in touch with one another. For many older adults who use social media to enhance traditional relationships, this is the case. Those who who use social platforms to supplement existing relationships can even experience positive effects such as better health. But what about younger adults, for whom social media is often a primary means of social interaction? When looking at research done with particular attention paid to millennials, we begin to see that many depend on their social media circles for validation, affirmation, and a feeling of belonging. For many, likes and retweets have taken the place of dialog and eye contact. The problem with this is that is that dependence on social networks and their relatively superficial interactions, appears to be diminishing the capacity of users to connect with others on a biological level. In addition, these superficial interactions provide a fleeting sense of satisfaction, often failing to make a deeply meaningful impact.

Research has demonstrated that as individuals spend more and more time building online networks, the strength and quality of real world social networks diminish in proportion.  In addition, a recent study by University of Michigan psychologist Ethan Kross, actually found an inverse relationship between use of Facebook and happiness. It seems that though continual use of social networks can provide an escape from the challenges of face-to-face exchanges, the downside is that with fewer authentic social interactions, confidence in the ability to successfully conduct such transactions diminishes. Recent studies show that social media users have fewer confidants than people 20 years ago had, which is problematic because when an individual has fewer close confidants, the subsequent social isolation can lead to declining ability to discuss difficult subjects and diminished civil and political participation. This has big implications for society at large.

What is the takeaway?

As our lives become more and more infiltrated by technology and social media, it is important that we stay engaged in meaningful real life relationships, rather than letting social skills atrophy.   It is easy to achieve a certain level of gratification through interactions on social platforms, which can appeal to our vanity and make us feel temporarily more significant, but the reality is that as we substitute these exchanges for meaningful relationships, those relationships start to diminish and eventually disappear. The long-term effects concern more than just the individual, the wellbeing of society is also at risk. As social media becomes more of a focal point in our culture, it is good to be mindful of the reasons we are engaging in this kind of communication and the quality of connections we are hoping to get from digital interactions.  In moderation, social networking makes it easy for us to develop, maintain, and strengthen social connections, it is only when this is the primary way that we are engaging that we may begin to feel dissatisfied, depressed, and disconnected. Finding a healthy balance between genuine, real world relationships and online connections is the best way to enjoy social networks.

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/04/110405132459.htm

http://www.asanet.org/press/20060616.cfm

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/does_technology_cut_us_off_from_other_people

http://www.politisite.com/2014/02/19/social-media-making-us-more-connected-and-more-alone/

Life Happens, sure. Relationships fizzle out, people pass away, and everyone is eventually told they have to ‘grow up’ and stop believing in unicorns. Even for those who continue to believe, there comes a time when expectations are suddenly askew, and nothing about our lives seems to fit right. Every generation is blindsided by the process, whether or not they remember it. Luckily, the process has been documented, and the facts are out: emerging adulthood is full of snafus, sideswipes and speed bumps- all of which can be overcome with a little patience, practice, and the utilization of the following tips:

1. Stop being your own bully!

Living in a world where popular media shows us everyone can do everything, we oftentimes put unnecessary, and unrealistic pressure on ourselves to be better, and do more than we are actually capable of. This generally results in us feeling like we aren’t  good, fast, strong, smart, or whatever ‘enough’ and we start to beat ourselves up over this. I will be the first to say, ‘Stop it!’ and you should echo that back to yourself the next time you find yourself being your own bully. Start paying attention to the words you speak towards yourself, and make sure they are positive ones. You honestly deserve it.

2. Ditch depression through Positive Affirmation, not jokes and masquerading!

Did you know that of all professions, stand-up comedy has the highest suicide rate? That these folks make jokes to hide their own depression? As Dr. Deborah Serani explains it: “They often wear what we call 'the mask of depression,' which helps them put on a more acceptable face to the world," she explains. "But behind that mask there is a terrible struggle going on. There is a stigma about depression and oftentimes the laughter distracts from feelings of weakness.” This is true for all of us dealing with depression when we are down-and-out. In fact, being blue goes hand-in-hand with undesirable circumstances. If you find yourself fixating on the negative aspects of just about anything, it might be time for a more honest attitude: Try focusing on the things that you like best about yourself, and your life. It really can be transformative if you give it a shot and a little time. Aren’t the great things about you just as weighty ( if not more substantial) than the areas in which you want to improve? Then why don’t you think about those things proportionately?

Extra help: If you have a hard time letting go of your cynicism, remember this: You might cling to cynicism because it’s comforting to believe that nothing good will ever happen, and then *poof*  that belief turn into reality... There is a certain security in this prediction, as cynical people rarely put in the work to improve their lives! Don’t be complacent, settling for being ‘right.’ Put in the effort, and become a happy version of you!

3. Recognize the moment is temporary, and fill it with hope!  

Are you the same person you were five years ago? I certainly hope not! Every human being goes through several, and by some perspectives, countless transitions within their lives, so why would you expect for all of them to be great? No one learns a thing if everyone is winning all the time. If you have ever played a sport, you know that losing can be a powerful motivating force. Allow any set-back in your life to be the same. This is also a great time to start building a big-picture road map of where you want to go and how! There are endless options after a closed chapter, and you should use this space to dream up ways to bring in the most hope and happiness into your life than ever before!

4. Build our confidence up with just one question:

What’s the worst that could happen? If you have been looking for a job, and can’t find one that seems to fit, it can be easy to get discouraged. However, how will you know that your dream job doesn’t exist if you aren’t putting yourself out there? You have got to give it everything that you’ve got, and  I promise, asking yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” is a great way to bounce your brain out of a cynical zone, and back into reality. The truth is, we all struggle to gain success in our lives, no matter who are. The most successful people are those who have the courage to advocate for themselves at all costs, regardless of what other people or what their inner-cynic may think. Think about it:  What’s the worst that could happen?

5. Take a Step Back, Don’t React-

All of us have problems that we sometimes feel are too big to handle, especially all at once. Even so, we have the freedom to make most of our own decisions, and we certainly have control over how we react to things. This might sound a little easier said than done, but learning to evaluate from a distance really just takes practice, and so does contemplation before reaction. Try to practice being less reactive to people and things by controlling your urge to react. Consider whether or not a bad reaction is worth it. Ask yourself: Who does it help or hurt? So much of the time, we just hurt ourselves w when we are in challenging places in our lives, we don’t even realize how often our anxiety and fear result in panicked decision-making that can complicate poor predicaments. Remember, you have a choice about whether or not outside forces influence your experience. With a little distance and practice in patience, you’ll be feeling better in no time.

6. Patience: more than just a virtue!

If you were born with patience, then, good for you. Now, If you could find a way to bottle that quality for the rest of the world, let us know when you get your PayPal set-up, because we’re all buying… And we are buying for good reason: Learning patience is one of the most challenging aspects of early adulthood, even though we started to learn the process during late adolescence. The truth is, it takes patience to learn patience! It’s a long lesson, but once you learn to wait for great things to happen to you, you will be less likely to obsess on what terrible stuff hasn’t happened yet.  Try letting yourself become more uncomfortable with ‘unkowns’. Life is full of them, they are completely out of our control, and it’s about time we learn to let them go.

7. Review Your Lessons and Make Better Plans -

Difficult parts of our lives teach us more about life than we ever wanted to know. The truth is, after it’s all over, we really can be better for it. Being better for it,  however, is a decision we make. Considering what you have learned is a great way to figure out where you need to go, and that process should be drawn-out ahead of time.  It doesn’t matter what you want to do or become, but you do have to figure out what steps you’ll need to take.  You can rewrite your story. People do it every day.

8. Enlist Some Help-

Sometimes, there is nothing more motivating than having someone stand beside us as we work through life’s challenges. It doesn’t matter who this person is, whether they are a friend, family member or therapist, so long as they provide us with the positivity and support we need as we regain our footing and help us get to where we want to go. If you are struggling, and you don’t believe you have access to the support you need via your friends or family circle, it is always wise to seek out a professional counselor who specialize in emerging adulthood, resiliency management, and other related therapeutic services.  

I am available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful to you on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,

Eileen Wynne, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology. The Scientific and Practical Explorations of Human Strengths. C. R. Snyder, Shane J. Lopez. McGraw Hill. 1997.

Social Psychology, McGraw Hill. David G. Myers. 2012.

Planting Seeds of Resiliency

"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with the seed on an equal or greater benefit." 
~Napoleon Hill 
 
The concept of resiliency has received a lot of attention in the social and behavioral sciences. Central to most researchers' definition of resiliency is the notion of strength in the face of adversity. I like to think of resiliency as the capacity to find satisfaction in life, even in the wake of multiple traumas. In other words, the resilient personality has the ability to make negative personal experiences, bearable.

As you might expect, people typically do not immediately adjust well to personal tragedies. The loss of a loved one, the loss of a job or the news of a chronic illness can lead most people to feel overwhelmed by negative emotion. 

We often see a three phase experience in such instances. The first psychological responses to personal tragedy, trauma or loss, are typically vacillation between shock and denial. This usually quickly resolves to a second phase where most individuals are able to get in touch with their emotions related to loss and grief. A third phase then emerges whereby the individual experiences a sense of meaninglessness and a loss of life purpose.

Somewhere between that second and third phase, resilient people seem to launch onto an uncommon trajectory.  Those people who are highly resilient will begin to cope because of the meaning they have and find in their personal lives. You see, it’s the people who are in search of meaning in their lives that tend to not merely survive their tragedy, but come to thrive in the aftermath of the tragedy. And believe it or not, one of the most common themes to emerge in resilient people is the tendency to find personal life meaning by providing benefit to others!

Two examples of highly resilient people that I like to point to include Dr. Randy Paush and Candace Lightner.

You may recall Professor Paush from his now famous “last lecture” video. The Carnegie Mellon University professor had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and given only a few weeks to a few months to live. Rather than use his remaining time sitting around feeling sorry for himself or getting depressed, Dr. Paush used the internet to publish an inspirational video (and later a book by the same title) that not only talked about what it means to live a life of generosity and positivity, but left the legacy of the video and book, both of which continue to live on, showing exactly what overcoming obstacles in life

looks like.

Likewise, Candace Lightner founded Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) in 1980 following the tragic hit and run motor vehicle accident that fatally wounded her 13 year old daughter. Lightner could have done nothing, but instead, she founded MADD and in doing so, she found new meaning in her own life by creating what would become one of the nation’s most successful charitable operations.

What makes a Randy Paush or a Candace Lightner more resilient than the average person? I happen to think it is something I like to call the “seeds of resilience” and I happen to believe those seeds can not only be planted in anyone, but with proper care, they will sprout up at just the right time—a time of unavoidable crisis. 

In my practice, one of the things I do is help individuals to learn exactly what their areas of strength and vulnerability are. By learning this, I can help coach my clients to plant some of their “strength seeds” in their more vulnerable areas so that when tough times come, what sprouts up from them is resiliency that brings them beyond surviving and into thriving!

If you would like to learn more about how I might be able to assist you, I invite you to contact me. I can be reached at my Uptown New Orleans office at 504-481-8997.

Dr. Eileen Wynne 

Crisis: Danger or Opportunity? You Decide!

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." Ernest Hemingway 

Wëijï, is the Chinese word for crisis. The symbols that make the word translate to mean transition point. In reality, it is a compound word with one symbol representing opportunity and the other symbol representing danger. You see, the Chinese view crisis as a two-edged sword that presents opportunity as well as danger.

Likewise, in our own lives, the way we respond to crises can actually endanger us, such as when we descend into prolonged despair, negative emotions or self-destructive behaviors. But, we can also avail ourselves to opportunity by accepting the challenge that such crises bring.  In crisis situations, life sometimes calls us to adjust our priorities, accept our losses and adapt our thinking processes and beliefs.

I recall a Northumberland folk tale about peacocks eating thorns in order to produce their beautiful tail feathers.  The story symbolizes that the harsh things we learn to digest can lead us to our inner beauty.

Although struggling to accept losses can give rise to many negative emotions, not all emotions experienced as a result of a crisis need to be negative. Illness, loss of a loved one, depression, trauma, unemployment stress, all represent examples of dreaded transitions that issue compelling invitations for us to change—to begin a journey of self-renewal and growth. When we are open, we can often find many blessings hidden in the heart of tragedy.

Join me next week as I discuss how crises can provide us with the lessons we need to become more resilient human beings.

Dr. Eileen Wynne, PhD