Life Happens, sure. Relationships fizzle out, people pass away, and everyone is eventually told they have to ‘grow up’ and stop believing in unicorns. Even for those who continue to believe, there comes a time when expectations are suddenly askew, and nothing about our lives seems to fit right. Every generation is blindsided by the process, whether or not they remember it. Luckily, the process has been documented, and the facts are out: emerging adulthood is full of snafus, sideswipes and speed bumps- all of which can be overcome with a little patience, practice, and the utilization of the following tips:

1. Stop being your own bully!

Living in a world where popular media shows us everyone can do everything, we oftentimes put unnecessary, and unrealistic pressure on ourselves to be better, and do more than we are actually capable of. This generally results in us feeling like we aren’t  good, fast, strong, smart, or whatever ‘enough’ and we start to beat ourselves up over this. I will be the first to say, ‘Stop it!’ and you should echo that back to yourself the next time you find yourself being your own bully. Start paying attention to the words you speak towards yourself, and make sure they are positive ones. You honestly deserve it.

2. Ditch depression through Positive Affirmation, not jokes and masquerading!

Did you know that of all professions, stand-up comedy has the highest suicide rate? That these folks make jokes to hide their own depression? As Dr. Deborah Serani explains it: “They often wear what we call 'the mask of depression,' which helps them put on a more acceptable face to the world," she explains. "But behind that mask there is a terrible struggle going on. There is a stigma about depression and oftentimes the laughter distracts from feelings of weakness.” This is true for all of us dealing with depression when we are down-and-out. In fact, being blue goes hand-in-hand with undesirable circumstances. If you find yourself fixating on the negative aspects of just about anything, it might be time for a more honest attitude: Try focusing on the things that you like best about yourself, and your life. It really can be transformative if you give it a shot and a little time. Aren’t the great things about you just as weighty ( if not more substantial) than the areas in which you want to improve? Then why don’t you think about those things proportionately?

Extra help: If you have a hard time letting go of your cynicism, remember this: You might cling to cynicism because it’s comforting to believe that nothing good will ever happen, and then *poof*  that belief turn into reality... There is a certain security in this prediction, as cynical people rarely put in the work to improve their lives! Don’t be complacent, settling for being ‘right.’ Put in the effort, and become a happy version of you!

3. Recognize the moment is temporary, and fill it with hope!  

Are you the same person you were five years ago? I certainly hope not! Every human being goes through several, and by some perspectives, countless transitions within their lives, so why would you expect for all of them to be great? No one learns a thing if everyone is winning all the time. If you have ever played a sport, you know that losing can be a powerful motivating force. Allow any set-back in your life to be the same. This is also a great time to start building a big-picture road map of where you want to go and how! There are endless options after a closed chapter, and you should use this space to dream up ways to bring in the most hope and happiness into your life than ever before!

4. Build our confidence up with just one question:

What’s the worst that could happen? If you have been looking for a job, and can’t find one that seems to fit, it can be easy to get discouraged. However, how will you know that your dream job doesn’t exist if you aren’t putting yourself out there? You have got to give it everything that you’ve got, and  I promise, asking yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” is a great way to bounce your brain out of a cynical zone, and back into reality. The truth is, we all struggle to gain success in our lives, no matter who are. The most successful people are those who have the courage to advocate for themselves at all costs, regardless of what other people or what their inner-cynic may think. Think about it:  What’s the worst that could happen?

5. Take a Step Back, Don’t React-

All of us have problems that we sometimes feel are too big to handle, especially all at once. Even so, we have the freedom to make most of our own decisions, and we certainly have control over how we react to things. This might sound a little easier said than done, but learning to evaluate from a distance really just takes practice, and so does contemplation before reaction. Try to practice being less reactive to people and things by controlling your urge to react. Consider whether or not a bad reaction is worth it. Ask yourself: Who does it help or hurt? So much of the time, we just hurt ourselves w when we are in challenging places in our lives, we don’t even realize how often our anxiety and fear result in panicked decision-making that can complicate poor predicaments. Remember, you have a choice about whether or not outside forces influence your experience. With a little distance and practice in patience, you’ll be feeling better in no time.

6. Patience: more than just a virtue!

If you were born with patience, then, good for you. Now, If you could find a way to bottle that quality for the rest of the world, let us know when you get your PayPal set-up, because we’re all buying… And we are buying for good reason: Learning patience is one of the most challenging aspects of early adulthood, even though we started to learn the process during late adolescence. The truth is, it takes patience to learn patience! It’s a long lesson, but once you learn to wait for great things to happen to you, you will be less likely to obsess on what terrible stuff hasn’t happened yet.  Try letting yourself become more uncomfortable with ‘unkowns’. Life is full of them, they are completely out of our control, and it’s about time we learn to let them go.

7. Review Your Lessons and Make Better Plans -

Difficult parts of our lives teach us more about life than we ever wanted to know. The truth is, after it’s all over, we really can be better for it. Being better for it,  however, is a decision we make. Considering what you have learned is a great way to figure out where you need to go, and that process should be drawn-out ahead of time.  It doesn’t matter what you want to do or become, but you do have to figure out what steps you’ll need to take.  You can rewrite your story. People do it every day.

8. Enlist Some Help-

Sometimes, there is nothing more motivating than having someone stand beside us as we work through life’s challenges. It doesn’t matter who this person is, whether they are a friend, family member or therapist, so long as they provide us with the positivity and support we need as we regain our footing and help us get to where we want to go. If you are struggling, and you don’t believe you have access to the support you need via your friends or family circle, it is always wise to seek out a professional counselor who specialize in emerging adulthood, resiliency management, and other related therapeutic services.  

I am available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful to you on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,

Eileen Wynne, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology. The Scientific and Practical Explorations of Human Strengths. C. R. Snyder, Shane J. Lopez. McGraw Hill. 1997.

Social Psychology, McGraw Hill. David G. Myers. 2012.

Planting Seeds of Resiliency

"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with the seed on an equal or greater benefit." 
~Napoleon Hill 
 
The concept of resiliency has received a lot of attention in the social and behavioral sciences. Central to most researchers' definition of resiliency is the notion of strength in the face of adversity. I like to think of resiliency as the capacity to find satisfaction in life, even in the wake of multiple traumas. In other words, the resilient personality has the ability to make negative personal experiences, bearable.

As you might expect, people typically do not immediately adjust well to personal tragedies. The loss of a loved one, the loss of a job or the news of a chronic illness can lead most people to feel overwhelmed by negative emotion. 

We often see a three phase experience in such instances. The first psychological responses to personal tragedy, trauma or loss, are typically vacillation between shock and denial. This usually quickly resolves to a second phase where most individuals are able to get in touch with their emotions related to loss and grief. A third phase then emerges whereby the individual experiences a sense of meaninglessness and a loss of life purpose.

Somewhere between that second and third phase, resilient people seem to launch onto an uncommon trajectory.  Those people who are highly resilient will begin to cope because of the meaning they have and find in their personal lives. You see, it’s the people who are in search of meaning in their lives that tend to not merely survive their tragedy, but come to thrive in the aftermath of the tragedy. And believe it or not, one of the most common themes to emerge in resilient people is the tendency to find personal life meaning by providing benefit to others!

Two examples of highly resilient people that I like to point to include Dr. Randy Paush and Candace Lightner.

You may recall Professor Paush from his now famous “last lecture” video. The Carnegie Mellon University professor had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and given only a few weeks to a few months to live. Rather than use his remaining time sitting around feeling sorry for himself or getting depressed, Dr. Paush used the internet to publish an inspirational video (and later a book by the same title) that not only talked about what it means to live a life of generosity and positivity, but left the legacy of the video and book, both of which continue to live on, showing exactly what overcoming obstacles in life

looks like.

Likewise, Candace Lightner founded Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) in 1980 following the tragic hit and run motor vehicle accident that fatally wounded her 13 year old daughter. Lightner could have done nothing, but instead, she founded MADD and in doing so, she found new meaning in her own life by creating what would become one of the nation’s most successful charitable operations.

What makes a Randy Paush or a Candace Lightner more resilient than the average person? I happen to think it is something I like to call the “seeds of resilience” and I happen to believe those seeds can not only be planted in anyone, but with proper care, they will sprout up at just the right time—a time of unavoidable crisis. 

In my practice, one of the things I do is help individuals to learn exactly what their areas of strength and vulnerability are. By learning this, I can help coach my clients to plant some of their “strength seeds” in their more vulnerable areas so that when tough times come, what sprouts up from them is resiliency that brings them beyond surviving and into thriving!

If you would like to learn more about how I might be able to assist you, I invite you to contact me. I can be reached at my Uptown New Orleans office at 504-481-8997.

Dr. Eileen Wynne 

Crisis: Danger or Opportunity? You Decide!

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." Ernest Hemingway 

Wëijï, is the Chinese word for crisis. The symbols that make the word translate to mean transition point. In reality, it is a compound word with one symbol representing opportunity and the other symbol representing danger. You see, the Chinese view crisis as a two-edged sword that presents opportunity as well as danger.

Likewise, in our own lives, the way we respond to crises can actually endanger us, such as when we descend into prolonged despair, negative emotions or self-destructive behaviors. But, we can also avail ourselves to opportunity by accepting the challenge that such crises bring.  In crisis situations, life sometimes calls us to adjust our priorities, accept our losses and adapt our thinking processes and beliefs.

I recall a Northumberland folk tale about peacocks eating thorns in order to produce their beautiful tail feathers.  The story symbolizes that the harsh things we learn to digest can lead us to our inner beauty.

Although struggling to accept losses can give rise to many negative emotions, not all emotions experienced as a result of a crisis need to be negative. Illness, loss of a loved one, depression, trauma, unemployment stress, all represent examples of dreaded transitions that issue compelling invitations for us to change—to begin a journey of self-renewal and growth. When we are open, we can often find many blessings hidden in the heart of tragedy.

Join me next week as I discuss how crises can provide us with the lessons we need to become more resilient human beings.

Dr. Eileen Wynne, PhD

You don't have to be perfect to be successful!

You don't have to be perfect to be successful.

"When are you planning to submit that novel to an agent?" I asked my friend Allie. 

She shrugged noncommittally, "I'm still revising. I just want it to be perfect."

She's written a novel a year for nearly a decade, but she's never made any effort to get published. She tells me that she writes "for fun," but I know from passing conversations that she'd like to see her books in print. She doesn't consider herself a "real writer" because, in her mind, some folks are born with a quill in hand, penning eloquent prose before they're walking. She has to work at it.

People who struggle with impostorism have a perception problem. They don't see their own fears and doubts and efforts reflected in the personas of their heroes. On some rational level, Allie knows that John Steinbeck and Amy Tan and Stephen King all honed their craft through trial and error in the same way that she has been doing for years. Logically, she knows that they suffered writer's block, that they all feared at least once in their lives never having another idea, that they all made typos. 

However, on a more functional level, she views them as having sprung to life with the makings of greatness already intact, like Aphrodite being borne on the waves already grown and glorious.

This isn't entirely unjust. We all do spring to life with the makings of greatness intact, but we all also have to work to bring that greatness to fruition. Allie isn't afraid of hard work, but she is afraid that her hard work will be judged lacking in merit. That's a common symptom of impostor syndrome. 

Allie's novel will never be perfect because Allie isn't perfect. In fact, by continuously revising it, she may be making matters worse, like picking at a scab. But the endless process of double- and triple-checking every word and sentence serves a sinister purpose. It delays judgment. Allie believes once the novel is submitted, someone will definitely answer her question: "Am I a real writer?" She fears that answer, and so she is avoiding it.

Here's another funny thing about impostorism. Allie writes at least three hours a day. She goes to writing workshops. She attends to every word with painstaking detail. But all of the work that she puts into her writing confirms in her mind that she is not a real writer. Because a real writer would sit down and words would flow from her pen without any effort. 

Impostorism has that effect on people. They perceive others as perfect and themselves as less than. All of their efforts to excel, only remind them that others don't have to make the same efforts, but that's simply false logic.

Picture someone in your desired field who seems the model of professionalism: the perfect chef, the perfect sale representative, the perfect therapist, the perfect teacher. 

First, remind yourself that that person is not perfect. They're good, maybe even the best, but they're not perfect.

Next, remind yourself that they only achieved their skills and knowledge through hard work and practice. Through effort, just like you.

Finally, remind yourself that delaying judgment also delays gratification. Using perfection as an excuse to avoid taking a healthy risk will leave you unsatisfied and unfulfilled. 

You're not perfect, but that's okay. You don't have to be perfect to be successful. 

Dr. Eileen Wynne, PhD

References:

Alexander, J., & Sakulku, J. (2011). The Impostor Phenomenon. International Journal of Behavioral Science, 6, 73-92.

Weir, K. (2013). Feel like a fraud? GradPsych, 11, 24-27.

See yourself through someone else's eyes

Confiding her fears and doubts about her new internship wasn’t easy for my young friend Sarah. Because she feels like an impostor, she has a strong compulsion to hide her fears. After all, confident people who know what they’re doing aren’t afraid of anything, right? Admitting her insecurities would tip everyone off to her fraud.

Of course we know that’s not true. Self-assured, competent people are plagued by the same fears and doubts as everyone else; they just don’t allow those fears and doubts to halt their growth. They accept mistakes as a part of their development, welcoming errors as an opportunity to begin again more intelligently, as Henry Ford once said.

Confessing her fears was Sarah’s first step towards overcoming the limitations imposed by what psychologists refer to as impostor phenomenon. She bravely faced her fear of judgment and made room for the possibility that maybe what she was feeling could be simultaneously normal and irrational. Normal in the sense that an estimated 70% of the population experience impostorism at least once in their lives; irrational in the sense that her reasoning skills, her ability to accurately judge her own value, has been overcome by baseless self-doubt.

I have a strong suspicion that Sarah was awaiting confirmation that the advertising firm had goofed in their records of interviewees. However, by getting her fears out in the open, she was able to face the fact that maybe she was misjudging her future employers’ competence. After all, they didn’t become successful by haphazard hiring practices. 

It’s old hat now to say that the first step towards solving a problem is admitting you have one, but there’s a reason we’ve clung to the saying. It’s true. By sharing her fears, Sarah was able to begin playing with the possibility that they are unfounded, that the problem that she needs to overcome isn’t a lack of intellect or skill, but a burden of self-doubt, that the only person she’s fooling is herself.

That’s the problem with impostorism. The fact is, you got where you are because of your talents and your skills, your efforts and your perseverance. But impostorism feeds you a line about luck and lies. 

Your GPA isn’t a product of a professor’s generosity. Maybe we should give up that old idiom, “My teacher gave me an A.” In fact, in nearly every case that a student receives a high score on a test, it is the totally predictable result of the student learning the material. 

Your boss didn’t hire you based on false pretenses. You earned a degree. You gained experiences. You built a portfolio. 

You did that. You should be proud. While it’s a necessary part of growth to acknowledge your mistakes and weaknesses, it’s equally important to acknowledge your victories and accomplishments. 

If you’re feeling like a fraud, like you just lucked up when you got that promotion or passed that test, try sharing your fears with someone whose opinion you value. Don’t keep it to yourself. Let others help you see yourself the way that they do. It’s not a cure for the impostor blues, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Eileen Wynne, PhD.

References:

Alexander, J., & Sakulku, J. (2011). The Impostor Phenomenon. International Journal of Behavioral Science, 6, 73-92.

Cokley, K., McClain, S., Enciso, A. and Martinez, M. (2013), An Examination of the Impact of Minority Status Stress and Impostor Feelings on the Mental Health of Diverse Ethnic Minority College Students. Jnl Multicult Counseling & Dev, 41: 82–95. doi: 10.1002/j.2161-1912.2013.00029.x

Weir, K. (2013). Feel like a fraud? GradPsych, 11, 24-27.

The impostor's lament

Are high achievers only
fooling themselves?

“I don’t deserve to be here,” Sarah said, fidgeting with the corner of her blouse. 

A talented student with numerous academic accolades under her belt, Sarah had recently interviewed with a successful advertising firm. Though she still had two more classes to complete, the firm was eager to take her on as a paid intern to prepare her for a job upon her graduation the following semester. 

You might expect that Sarah would be brimming over with joy at the prospect, but instead, she felt that she had somehow conned the firm into offering her the position. This, in turn, caused her to doubt her ability to perform the responsibilities that came with her new role. Rather than experiencing the pride of accomplishment, Sarah was experiencing anxiety.

More specifically, she was feeling the pain of a very common phenomenon known as impostor syndrome. Though impostor syndrome isn’t listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as an official diagnosis, its effects are felt by most people at some point in their lives. 

Think about a time when you experienced success. Now consider the following thoughts. 

• I just got lucky.
• I don’t belong here.
• Once they realize I don’t know what I’m doing, they’ll get rid of me.
• I’m not as smart/talented/skilled as they think I am.
• It won’t be long before they figure out I’m a fraud.

Do any look familiar to you? If so, you’ve felt the painful doubts created by the impostor phenomenon.

The irony of impostor syndrome is that high achievers tend to be the most susceptible to it. I see it often in students who have worked diligently, spending hours in studious labor, and in adults who have excelled at their chosen profession through hard work and high expectations. As we transition into new careers or life experiences, we're particularly vulnerable to these feelings of not belonging, of fraudulence. 

While research has shown women and minorities top the charts for these feelings of “passing themselves off” rather than authentically achieving, the phenomenon can be said to be a natural by-product of a society that puts perhaps too much pressure on its individuals to succeed at all costs. 

In schools and homes, we stress to our children the need to achieve, and it may be that the message is received and processed in ways that we don’t anticipate. It may be that we’re sending our children the message that the love, attention, and respect that they crave must be won through constant showmanship. What a heart-breaking idea.

During the next few weeks, I’d like to talk with you about overcoming some of the habits and mindsets that lead to this sense of being an impostor because I suspect that both you and Sarah have something to offer the world that is not only good enough but is much needed.

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:

Alexander, J., & Sakulku, J. (2011). The Impostor Phenomenon. International Journal of Behavioral Science, 6, 73-92.

Cokley, K., McClain, S., Enciso, A. and Martinez, M. (2013), An Examination of the Impact of Minority Status Stress and Impostor Feelings on the Mental Health of Diverse Ethnic Minority College Students. Jnl Multicult Counseling & Dev, 41: 82–95. doi: 10.1002/j.2161-1912.2013.00029.x

Am I grown up yet?

Am I grown up yet?

This may seem like a funny question to ask. Surely, you must know if you’re grown up, right? Yet I find that’s often the very question that has my patients stumped and stressed out.

In the past, sociologists established pretty hard and fast rules about what makes someone an adult: finishing your education, getting married, having children among them. But do the same rules still apply as our timetables shift ever outward? Many of my young patients must believe they do or they wouldn’t be so worried about where they fall on the scales of adulthood.

It’s a tough road that our emerging adults face. While society has changed rapidly during the past few decades, our expectations have not changed as quickly. Many parents still worry when their children reach thirty and have no spouse or “grownup” job to show for it. Adult children feel the weight of their parents’ stress and wonder if they’ve somehow failed at being a grown up.

Though out-dated assumptions still inform these young adults, the world of possibilities is vastly different than it once was. Technology has created new career opportunities. Changing sexual mores have made alternative relationships more predominant. An ever-shrinking world has broadened their horizons.

Is it any wonder that they’d feel conflicted?

Should I play it safe and follow in my parents’ footsteps? Choose a secure job with benefits now and stick with it through retirement? Or should I experiment with different careers? Or strike out on my own as an entrepreneur?

Should I be on the lookout for a husband or wife? Am I ready to take the plunge? Or should I focus on figuring out who I am first?

Maybe it’s time we re-think what defines an adult. Marriage, parenting, career paths, these are the trappings of particular lifestyle choices, not necessarily eternal standards of adulthood.  

Adults are people who accept responsibility for their decisions. They may not know where they’re going, but they’re capable of weighing many options. They may not own a home, but they feel at home in their own skin and in the world. They may turn to their mentors for guidance, but they make decisions independently.

Adulthood is not a static thing. It is a process. It is the lengthiest phase of our life, and it can be the most rewarding phase, in particular if we give young adults the opportunity to savor it, to experiment with it, and to learn from it.

If you are a young person struggling with the new decisions before you and unsure of how to proceed, consider seeking guidance and insight from a therapist. One hallmark of maturity is knowing when to ask for help. As a therapist and life coach, I am available to listen and to offer an objective perspective as well as much needed support. Let's talk one-on-one about how my coaching and therapy practice can serve you. I can be reached at my Uptown New Orleans office at 504-481-8997.

Dr. Eileen Wynne, PhD

Why 30 doesn't have to be a deadline

Does the approach of 30 mean that opportunity is slipping away?
Certainly not. 

If you’re feeling the pressure of the 30 year deadline, you’re not alone. That looming date has long marked the whittling away of life’s options. Certainly in times past, this anxiety was justified. In 1900, the life expectancy of the average American was 48, making 30 a ripe old age. 

But let’s put things into perspective. Today’s average life expectancy is nearly double what it was at the turn of the last century. Maybe it’s time to consider pushing the timetable back a little bit to give emerging adults an opportunity to savor this long and winding life. 

It’s true that in 1960, 77 percent of American women and 65 percent of American men had reached the five milestones of adulthood marked by sociologists - completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child. However, a lot has changed in the United States since then. We know much more than we did.

For one thing, we’ve learned a lot about the way that human brains develop as we age. Once upon a time, we were fairly certain that brains “aged out” in our teen years, but tests by neurologists in the 1990s showed that wasn’t the case. On the contrary, they indicated that the brain continues to change, refining its processes, becoming better and better at what it does, for much longer than we originally thought. The prefrontal part of the brain - that part of the brain that lets you consider your own thoughts, make decisions, and set goals - is still evolving in the mid-twenties, which might explain why you’re feeling ambivalent about your future if the big 3-0 is on your horizon. 

Albert Einstein once said, “A person who has not made his great contribution to science before the age of 30 will never do so.” There’s no doubt about Einstein’s genius, but even he made mistakes. The average age of Nobel Laureates today is between 45 and 60, and the most inspired work of physicists happens in their forties. 

What does this all mean for you? It means you have time. Your life expectancy is luxuriously long compared to your ancestors. You marvelous brain is still still evolving, stretching to reach its potential. The rush towards adulthood can become a more meaningful journey. The pressures to marry, choose a lifelong career, bear children, accomplish greatness - they can all wait a little longer for you.

If you're an emerging adult feeling the pressure of decisions that lie before you, it may be that you would benefit from counsel. As a therapist and life coach, I am available to listen and to offer an objective perspective as well as much needed support. Let's talk one-on-one about how my coaching and therapy practice can serve you. I can be reached at my Uptown New Orleans office at 504-481-8997.

Dr. Eileen Wynne, PhD