Am I grown up yet?

Am I grown up yet?

This may seem like a funny question to ask. Surely, you must know if you’re grown up, right? Yet I find that’s often the very question that has my patients stumped and stressed out.

In the past, sociologists established pretty hard and fast rules about what makes someone an adult: finishing your education, getting married, having children among them. But do the same rules still apply as our timetables shift ever outward? Many of my young patients must believe they do or they wouldn’t be so worried about where they fall on the scales of adulthood.

It’s a tough road that our emerging adults face. While society has changed rapidly during the past few decades, our expectations have not changed as quickly. Many parents still worry when their children reach thirty and have no spouse or “grownup” job to show for it. Adult children feel the weight of their parents’ stress and wonder if they’ve somehow failed at being a grown up.

Though out-dated assumptions still inform these young adults, the world of possibilities is vastly different than it once was. Technology has created new career opportunities. Changing sexual mores have made alternative relationships more predominant. An ever-shrinking world has broadened their horizons.

Is it any wonder that they’d feel conflicted?

Should I play it safe and follow in my parents’ footsteps? Choose a secure job with benefits now and stick with it through retirement? Or should I experiment with different careers? Or strike out on my own as an entrepreneur?

Should I be on the lookout for a husband or wife? Am I ready to take the plunge? Or should I focus on figuring out who I am first?

Maybe it’s time we re-think what defines an adult. Marriage, parenting, career paths, these are the trappings of particular lifestyle choices, not necessarily eternal standards of adulthood.  

Adults are people who accept responsibility for their decisions. They may not know where they’re going, but they’re capable of weighing many options. They may not own a home, but they feel at home in their own skin and in the world. They may turn to their mentors for guidance, but they make decisions independently.

Adulthood is not a static thing. It is a process. It is the lengthiest phase of our life, and it can be the most rewarding phase, in particular if we give young adults the opportunity to savor it, to experiment with it, and to learn from it.

If you are a young person struggling with the new decisions before you and unsure of how to proceed, consider seeking guidance and insight from a therapist. One hallmark of maturity is knowing when to ask for help. As a therapist and life coach, I am available to listen and to offer an objective perspective as well as much needed support. Let's talk one-on-one about how my coaching and therapy practice can serve you. I can be reached at my Uptown New Orleans office at 504-481-8997.

Dr. Eileen Wynne, PhD

Why 30 doesn't have to be a deadline

Does the approach of 30 mean that opportunity is slipping away?
Certainly not. 

If you’re feeling the pressure of the 30 year deadline, you’re not alone. That looming date has long marked the whittling away of life’s options. Certainly in times past, this anxiety was justified. In 1900, the life expectancy of the average American was 48, making 30 a ripe old age. 

But let’s put things into perspective. Today’s average life expectancy is nearly double what it was at the turn of the last century. Maybe it’s time to consider pushing the timetable back a little bit to give emerging adults an opportunity to savor this long and winding life. 

It’s true that in 1960, 77 percent of American women and 65 percent of American men had reached the five milestones of adulthood marked by sociologists - completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child. However, a lot has changed in the United States since then. We know much more than we did.

For one thing, we’ve learned a lot about the way that human brains develop as we age. Once upon a time, we were fairly certain that brains “aged out” in our teen years, but tests by neurologists in the 1990s showed that wasn’t the case. On the contrary, they indicated that the brain continues to change, refining its processes, becoming better and better at what it does, for much longer than we originally thought. The prefrontal part of the brain - that part of the brain that lets you consider your own thoughts, make decisions, and set goals - is still evolving in the mid-twenties, which might explain why you’re feeling ambivalent about your future if the big 3-0 is on your horizon. 

Albert Einstein once said, “A person who has not made his great contribution to science before the age of 30 will never do so.” There’s no doubt about Einstein’s genius, but even he made mistakes. The average age of Nobel Laureates today is between 45 and 60, and the most inspired work of physicists happens in their forties. 

What does this all mean for you? It means you have time. Your life expectancy is luxuriously long compared to your ancestors. You marvelous brain is still still evolving, stretching to reach its potential. The rush towards adulthood can become a more meaningful journey. The pressures to marry, choose a lifelong career, bear children, accomplish greatness - they can all wait a little longer for you.

If you're an emerging adult feeling the pressure of decisions that lie before you, it may be that you would benefit from counsel. As a therapist and life coach, I am available to listen and to offer an objective perspective as well as much needed support. Let's talk one-on-one about how my coaching and therapy practice can serve you. I can be reached at my Uptown New Orleans office at 504-481-8997.

Dr. Eileen Wynne, PhD