Tough Conversations: Talking about suicide

Recent high profile suicides and the popularity of the show 13 Reasons Why have made it apparent that this is an issue that is increasingly commonplace and yet incredibly misunderstood. The CDC reports that in the United States, deaths by suicide have been increasing over the last decade. Suicide is now one of the top five causes of death for teenagers 15-19 years old. These are chilling truths. I'd like to demystify this complex, confusing, and frightening issue with some facts and information. What are the risk factors and warning signs for suicide? How can you help a loved one you suspect is thinking of taking their own life? Let's look some of these signs and how you can address them with loved ones. 

Suicidal Thinking

Suicidal ideation can take the form of passive or active thoughts. Passive suicidal thoughts include things like, "the world would be a better place if I didn't wake up tomorrow," or "I wish I'd just get hit by a bus." Active suicidal thinking involves considering (or talking about) the methods one would use to kill them self, researching and planning, and purchasing the implements with which to take one's life. Not everyone experiences suicidal thinking, however, for those who do, it feels commonplace. This is true because many people who struggle with depression and suicidal ideation have done so for as long as they can remember. These thoughts are part of their day-to-day psychology. How can you tell if a loved one is considering taking their life? It is simple. If you suspect it, ask them. They may not tell you, but, on the other hand, many people who are struggling feel isolated, worthless, and alone. Asking them how they feel and demonstrating genuine concern can make all the difference. This is a difficult conversation to have because you may not like what you hear, but having the courage to ask can truly be life-saving.  If you suspect that a loved on is suicidal and they deny it, you should seek the help of a professional. Whether this be a licensed professional or a help line, speaking to an expert can help you make important decisions about how to proceed. Even if you have a frank conversation, and your friend or family member confessed that they are considering suicide, it is always beneficial to seek the advice of a mental health professional.  

Are there factors that increase the risk of suicide?

The weight of life's troubles is different for every person and while there is not a single cause or event that leads to suicide, there are, however, some precipitating factors that may increase the risk for susceptible individuals. Depression often causes people to feel worthless, ashamed of themselves, and hopeless. These feelings can be hard to overcome and when depression is untreated, it can be a major risk factor. This is true of other major mental health conditions, as well. Substance abuse can exacerbate negative feelings and is another key risk factor for suicide. Every person is unique, and likewise, the factors contribution to suicidal thinking vary greatly. Open communication is the key to recognizing negative thinking in loved ones. 

Know the warning signs  

While each person is unique, one warning sign for suicide that should never be ignored is the active form of suicidal ideation described above. When someone has made plans about the manner in which they would end their life, loved ones should be on high alert. When you observe this warning sign, either because they are verbalizing plans or posting about killing themselves on social media,  it is important to address it head-on while providing as much emotional (and physical or financial, when necessary) support as possible and getting them professional help. Isolation and mood swings can also be warning signs that a loved one is suicidal. Other signs to note are increased use of alcohol or drugs, unusual sleep patterns, or expressions of hopelessness.

It is important to note that research shows, when suicide is reported in the media, as is the case now, and specific details about the methods are shared, there can be a spike in similar types of suicides. The CDC studied these clusters and determined that there is indeed a spike in suicide after repeated news reports on the subject and it is, therefore, vital that the media report on these cases carefully and responsibly. This suicide contagion is sometimes referred to as "copycat suicide" because the methods used mirror those described in media reports.  

Some of the best ways to help depressed and suicidal people are by connecting and communicating with them and helping them to connect to supports within the community. Depression can make people feel extremely isolated and sometimes a lifeline is all that's needed to get someone on the right track. Other times interventions my be required.  

If you or a loved one is feeling suicidal
Depression is the world's leading cause of disability, according to world health experts approximately 800,000 people commit suicide annually. If you or a loved one is feeling distressed, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The crisis center provides free and confidential emotional support. If you are in crisis and need help, call this toll-free number, available 24 hours a day, every day: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). This service available to anyone. You may call for yourself or for someone you care about, and all calls are confidential. You can also visit the Lifeline’s website at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

In Addition, you can text with someone by contacting the Crisis Text Line. Text CONNECT to 741741 (in the United States). This is also a free service.

If you are feeling anxious or depressed, I am available to help develop coping strategies that will put you on the path to feeling better. Formerly on staff at the Tulane University Student Health Center Department of Psychiatry, helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion. I am a professional psychotherapist and also specialize in academic, success, and life coaching. I work primarily with college students and young professionals. I would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eileen Wynne

Let's connect! Facebook  | Twitter  |  LinkedIn

Blue Summer: Summer-onset seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

Most people have heard of seasonal affective disorder, commonly referred to as SAD. If you have never lived in a place where there is a distinct winter season, you may think of the disorder as something difficult to understand, but the truth is that about 4-6% of people suffer from wintertime depression. Still, after a quick bit of research, you'll realize that it makes perfect sense for people to feel blue as the sun disappears and days get shorter causing vitamin D deficiency and making it harder to get motivated for exercise and outdoor activities. With cursory research, the disorder becomes easier to understand. But what about Summer-onset SAD? It is much harder for many people to comprehend. As the days grow warmer and longer and thee are endless opportunities to engage in fun outdoor activities. You may wonder how summer could make someone sad.

What is summer-onset SAD? 

Depression brought on by seasonal changes. Summer-onset SAD is less common and is likely caused by the difference in the amount of daylight. One theory is that the circadian rhythms of those affected impacted by the longer days and changes in sleep schedule, causing them to feel out of sorts. In addition, there is a much greater risk of sleep deprivation as the days get longer and it feels natural to stay up later. These factors could lead to low levels of melatonin which plays an important in sleep. Unlike its wintertime companion that makes people feel lethargic and crave carbohydrates, summer-onset SAD leaves people feeling jittery, agitated, or manic. Constant low-grade insomnia is always present.

What are the symptoms of SAD?

• Feeling depressed, hopeless, guilty
• Loss of interest in activities
• Agitation or irritability
• Anxiety
• Increased sex drive
• Insomnia or trouble sleeping
• Loss of appetite/losing weight
• Difficulty concentrating
• Suicidal thoughts

Other factors that may contribute to Summer-onset SAD are:

• Constant activity and longer days leave some people feeling wired. This need to be ready for fun activities at any time of day leave people unable to get adequate sleep or relax. Busy schedules with no downtime or opportunities to decompress can take a toll on even the most active and extroverted person. 
• The gap between expectation and reality can lead to feelings of sadness. Summer is full of many fun social activities and vacations. When these don't go as planned, it can be very disappointing. Additionally, the gap between what you think is the reality for others (perceived reality) based on social media and actual reality can make people feel as if they are not enjoying summer enough and add extra pressure. Social media has this effect year-round, but if you are already feeling bad about a disappointing vacation you may be more susceptible to comparing your life to the Instagram lives of others. 
• Financial worries brought on by expensive vacations, frequent activities, and the need for new warm weather clothing can cause a lot of strain. 
• Body image issues are present year-round but are exacerbated by the revealing clothing often worn in the summer. 

While light therapy is a great way to combat winter SAD, many of the treatments for summer-onset SAD are merely a matter of setting up healthy routines for yourself. Make sure to get sufficient rest, iPhones are now equipped with a Bedtime feature that can help you stick with a healthy bedtime routine and make sure you are sleeping long enough. There are similar apps for other devices. Also, be sure to allow yourself adequate rest and downtime. Antidepressants are sometimes prescribed to treat summer-onset SAD. These are typically accompanied by psychotherapy and the introduction of coping strategies and healthy self-talk,

IF YOU THINK YOU MAY BE DEPRESSED
Depression is the world's leading cause of disability, according to world health experts approximately 800,000 people commit suicide annually. If you or a loved one is feeling distressed, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The crisis center provides free and confidential emotional support. If you are in crisis and need help, call this toll-free number, available 24 hours a day, every day: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). This service available to anyone. You may call for yourself or for someone you care about, and all calls are confidential. You can also visit the Lifeline’s website at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

If you are feeling anxious or depressed, I am available to help develop coping strategies that will put you on the path to feeling better. Formerly on staff at the Tulane University Student Health Center Department of Psychiatry, helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion, I am a professional psychotherapist, and also specialize in academic, success, and life coaching. I work primarily with college students and young professionals. I would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eileen Wynne

Let's connect! Facebook  | Twitter  |  LinkedIn

The Confidence Factor: Tips to boost self-efficacy and success

Defining Confidence

You know a confident person when you see one. They are cool and self-assured. Confidence is the belief that you can do what you set out to do. It is a trust in the self and certainty in one's abilities. It may seem like a skill that is arbitrarily handed out to some and not to others, but in truth, anyone can become more confident. In psychology, we use another word for confidence; it is self-efficacy.  Whatever you call it, it plays a big role in your success so understanding the components that lead to confidence can transform your life. 

A Framework for Building Confidence

Albert Bandura, the psychologist who came up with the concept of self-efficacy also identified four sources of efficacy beliefs or beliefs that lead to confidence.  The first if these is mastery experiences, or gaining personal success in some area. For example, if your band plays a show at a local festival or your article gets published, you will have a direct experience of success that will fuel confidence. I always say that the best way to become more confident is by taking action. Even if you fall short of the goal, you know where you need to grow and are better equipped to try again.  Conversely, inaction can be debilitating and can lead to that dreaded analysis paralysis, in which you take no action because you get too caught in thoughts of the possible outcomes. Experiencing challenges and subsequent success is the best, and most direct way to build confidence. The process of working through a challenge and achieving a successful outcome will build the belief that you can do it again in the future. 

Another way to boost confidence according to Bandura was through vicarious experiences. This means that when people you know are successful at something, you have greater confidence in your ability to achieve success. This source of belief is not quite as strong as direct experience, but it is helpful, as is verbal persuasion. When people you admire and respect tell you that they believe you have the ability to achieve or master an activity, it can be a powerful confidence builder. Finally, Bandura believed that emotional and psychological states have an impact on self-efficacy. Anxiety, stress, and depression can seriously diminish confidence. On the other hand, joy and excitement can increase it. Psychologist James Maddux added to this Bandura's list the idea that visualizing success can also boost confidence. 

The Physiology of Confidence

In Amy Cuddy's powerful TED Talk about body language, she talks about how your body language can change your physiology. She notes that confidence can be boosted with certain physical positions. Her research taught her that when people have power or feel powerful, they spread out while those who are shy tend to clench up and make themselves look smaller. This makes sense, but what was more interesting was that her team proved that by mirroring the physical behaviors of power, people actually become more powerful. Essentially, body language can change the levels of hormones in the body.  Leaders and other powerful people tend to have high testosterone and low cortisol. Standing and sitting in high power, confident poses can create in the body, the physical conditions of confidence and success. Within two minutes of adopting a power pose, hormones change to match the stance. 

Modeling the Behaviors of Confident People 

One method that is very helpful for developing a more confident mindset is to mirror the behaviors of confident and successful people. Often, as you compare these behaviors to your own, you will find great ways to become a more assured version of you. I like this method because it allows you to build gradually by adopting the behaviors that make sense and feel authentic. So what do successful people do? 

•         Practice optimism
•         Take meaningful and decisive action 
•         Embrace challenges and try new things
•         Say yes and no with equal comfort
•         Own their successes and focus on their strengths 
•         See failures as opportunities for growth
•         Compare themselves to their past selves, instead of to comparing themselves to others 
•         have a growth-mindset and continue to learn new skills
•         Trust themselves and their judgment
•         Celebrate the successes of others
•         When they don't understand something, they ask for help

Confidence leads to empowerment and prosperity.  Without confidence, you may miss important opportunities and fail to ask for what you deserve. To sum it up, there are many ways that you can foster a more confident attitude.  First, you can boost confidence by experiencing success, or even through unsuccessful situations that teach you how to succeed in the future and enable you to develop positive self-appraisals. You can also increase self-efficacy through vicarious experience and positive role models. Verbal encouragement or persuasion from someone you respect can drive confident behavior as can cultivating positive emotional states and the proper management of negative emotions. Visualization of the desired outcome can help you establish the confidence that it can be achieved. Another great way is to change your body's chemistry to more confident levels, is by adopting a powerful stance for a few minutes before you have to take action. Modeling the behaviors of confident and successful people can help you increase your confidence.  Whichever methods you choose, you will not be sorry. This is one skill that can significantly increase your well-being and success.

Want help building confidence? Formerly on staff at the Tulane University Student Health Center Department of Psychiatry, helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion, I am a professional psychotherapist, and also specialize in academic, success, and life coaching. I work primarily with college students and young professionals. I would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you.

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne


Let's connect!Facebook  | Twitter  |  LinkedIn

#METOO on Campus: The Danger of Sexual Assault

The #MeToo movement has captured national attention by making front page what has long been a dark secret. This movement has been a catalyst for many eye-opening and heartbreaking conversations. It has been sobering to read and hear the confessions of long-kept secrets from so many women in the public eye and our personal lives. The movement has also put many on the road to healing after years of secrecy. The empowerment found through sharing has helped women transform feelings of shame and guilt and onto acceptance, allowing them to move forward. 

We still have a lot of work to do spreading awareness. One topic our culture is beginning to investigate is sexual assault on campus. In New Orleans alone we have seen some shocking statistics. A January article in the New Orleans Advocate highlighted the results of a recent survey revealing that 4 in 10 Tulane undergraduate women surveyed had been victims of sexual assault. 

The truth is that sexual assault is a seriously under-reported issue. It is estimated that 70% of sexual assaults never get reported to authorities at all. There are many reasons for this. Sexual assault is difficult to talk about. We have had a long history of victim-shaming. Accusations made about victims scrutinize everything from their level or sobriety to the clothes they were wearing when assaulted, making more painful an already awful situation.  Finally, it's estimated by RAINN, the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization, that of every 1000 rapes 994 perpetrators will face no jail time at all. None of these facts give women a great deal of confidence that reporting the crime will make their lives any better. Add to that the fact that many women don't want to relive the crime; they would prefer to move on with their lives. 

Unfortunately, most don't have the coping skills to heal from a sexual assault. There are many long-term effects that victims experiences, and without support, these can persist for years or even decades. These aftereffects can be emotionally devastating and can prevent victims from having health relationships and peaceful lives. Below is a list of some of the common emotional effects of sexual assault. If you suffer from any of the following, please seek support. 

• Depression/Suicidal thoughts
• Flashbacks/Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Pregnancy/Sexually transmitted infections
• Eating disorders
• Self-harm
• Sleep disorders
• Substance abuse

What "counts" as sexual assault?

The term sexual assault is used to describe a wide range of forced or unwanted sexual contact/activity. These acts of sexual violence can range from attempted rape and rape to any other unwanted penetration of a person's body. The term also covers a wide range of other activities. These include unwanted sexual fondling, groping, touching. Examples of sexual assault include the drunk guy at the party who grabs your breast, being forced into non-consensual oral sex, any sexual cohesion be it through violence, threats of violence, or emotional manipulation. If you think you have been sexually assaulted there are support groups on campuses around the country.  

Keeping yourself safe 

Staying safe means both from unknown sexual predators and people you may know or be in a relationship with. Remember, you get to decide what you want to do with your body, even if you are in a committed relationship with someone, sexual behavior should still be consensual. Many university campuses have taken steps to increase awareness and reduce sexual misconduct. A big focus in on making sure that all students understand consent. Consent is defined as permission for something to happen, and with sexual activity, it should be an agreement between the parties to engage in sexual activity. Consent does not have to be verbal, but it must be communicated in some manner. If there is any confusion about whether or not an act is consensual, it is best to stop. Consent must also be consistent throughout the sexual encounter. If one partner changes their mind, consent is no longer active, and it is a good idea to stop.

There are several ways you can use basic safety tips to keep yourself out of danger:

Always be aware of your surroundings. Stay alert and pay attention to where you are at all times. This also means paying attention to the people around you. If someone makes you uncomfortable or gives you a bad feeling, don't hesitate to leave, run, or scream for help. Many women are victimized because they didn't want to seem irrational when afraid or make other people uncomfortable and so they stayed in a dangerous situation. 

Monitor your alcohol intake. Know your limits and stop if you are feeling impaired. You should also make sure to keep an eye on your drink at all times. As awful as it is, perpetrators of sexual violence are not above drugging drinks to incapacitate their victims. Don't take drinks from strangers and avoid communal punch bowls. 

Let instinct lead. If you have a bad feeling about something back out. Don't worry about whether you look silly. If you feel afraid, pay attention and act immediately.  In his excellent book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker gives many examples of the way that paying attention to gut reactions have saved people from danger. 

Stay with your crowd. Look out for each other, and when going home, grab a buddy to assure you both get where you are going safely. Stick together and look out of one another. 

If you have experienced sexual assault get support

Many college campuses have resources for victims of sexual assault. Here are a few resources available for local students. 

• Loyola University, for example, provides support and counseling.
• Tulane provides a Comprehensive Resource Guide to Services for Victims of Sexual Assault
• Southern University at New Orleans has a Sexual Assault Response Team 
• Xavier University's Department of Counseling and Wellness Services provides Sexual Assault Resources for students 
• National Sexual Assault Online Hotline
• The American Association of University Women has created an Ending Campus Sexual Assault Tool Kit
• Callisto develops technology to combat sexual assault and harassment.

Taking care of yourself immediately after you have been sexually assaulted

• Get to a safe place
• Contact the authorities
• Emergency contraception
• Visit a doctor

Taking care of yourself long-term

• Join a support group
• See a therapist

The current landscape is one in which many students are feeling uneasy. Young women feel unsafe, and young men feel confused. It is my hope and expectation is that the upheaval puts us on a new path. Respect for the dignity of others is the core issue here.  As we move forward, I hope that spotlighting this issues becomes the catalyst for many uncomfortable and necessary conversations about respect and consent and we can move into the future with more care and respect for each. 

If you are coping with the aftermath of sexual assault, I am available to help develop strategies that will put you on the path to healing. I work primarily with college students and young adults. Talking about what happened and developing an action plan for dealing with he psychological pain, shame, or grief can help you to deal with the ongoing effects of trauma. 

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

Let's connect!

Facebook  | Twitter  |  LinkedIn

Dangerous Relationships: Why Ambivalent Friends are the Most Unhealthy

We all know toxic people and we all know that they are dangerous to our emotional well being. They are the naysayers or dream killers in our lives who always seem to make us feel like we are not good enough or smart enough. The bottom line is that toxic people bring us down and make us feel bad about ourselves and our lives and choices more often than not. While we continue to stay in relationships with these people for various reasons, maybe your sister-in-law is toxic or the girl you were best friends with growing up makes you feel consistently awful, the good thing about them is that we know they are bad for us and we are able to protect ourselves from their barbs. We can almost guess that they will make sure to note the weight we have gained or the run in our stockings, and while that is painful, we are prepared for it. I had a friend years ago who worked with a very unpleasant woman. I would note the co-worker’s unpleasantness whenever I met my friend for lunch. She’d just smile and tell me that while the coworker was indeed very unpleasant, but she was consistently unpleasant and so it never bothered my friend.  It made so much sense that I’ve never forgotten it. If you know what to expect, you know how to deflect. A toxic relationship is tolerable because you know what’s coming and therefore you know to protect your enthusiasm and dreams from them. You know better than to share secrets with them or invite them to your engagement party. You just know.

Toxic relationships are easy to spot. Classic behaviors range from competitiveness and frequent criticism (or back-handed compliments) to an imbalance in which you are always calling and going out of your way to listen to and comfort the friend while they seldom reciprocate.  Some toxic friend will constantly compare you to other friends or brutally critique your opinions while you are feeling most vulnerable. They may cancel plans with you if something better comes along or spend a whole dinner with you on their phone texting with someone else. They make you feel insignificant and unsupported.  

The Danger of Frenemies   

You might think that straight-up toxic relationships are the most dangerous type but there is another type of relationship that is far more detrimental to your well being. Enter the ambivalent friend or the frenemy. Ambivalent relationships are the worst kind you can have. This is a relationship in which the behaviors of your friend can't be trusted be consistently supportive or antagonistic.  One day your they are complimenting you and praising your intelligence and the next they challenge your ideas, use secrets you have shared against you, or generally behaving the way a toxic friend would.  This is not just confusing, it is truly dangerous as it can lead to other health issues.   Frenemies may express jealousy, undermine your plans or ideas, or say cruel things, and this is much more difficult to deal with because it is unexpected and your defenses are down. 

Why is an ambivalent friendship worse than a toxic one? One reason: you never know where you stand. That emotional uncertainty is exhausting. Behavioral investigator, Vanessa Van Edwards says there is an easy way to spot an ambivalent relationship. She suggests that you ask yourself a single question about the person, "do I believe this person is genuinely happy for me?." The answer to this inquiry, she says, will enable you to determine whether or not the friend in question fits this category.  

Why it Matters

Good friendships can have significant positive effects on your life and conversely toxic and ambivalent relationships can lead to a number of negative mental and physical health effects. Feeling undermined by a friendship can increase your vulnerability to stress, lead to anxiety and depression. In addition, being in an unsupportive or hostile relationship can lead to a whole lot of confusion and wasted energy. You see, it isn't easy to stay constantly on guard in a relationship. 

Breaking Up with a Toxic or Ambivalent Person

There is not one single solution when it comes to these types of relationships. With a toxic friendship, whenever possible, you should eliminate or limit contact to essential communication. Sometimes, to avoid drama you can do this gradually so that they don't recognize that you are phasing them out of your life. The last thing you want with a toxic person is a confrontation. These are seldom reasonable or fair and the confrontation will likely leave you feeling terrible and they are likely to use things you shared with them to hurt you. 

Whatever you do, once you have identified the toxic people and frenemies in your life, immediately stop all activities that make you feel vulnerable. Don't share any secrets or information that they could use to hurt you in the future. Stop letting them absorb your time and energy. If you are not engaging in a reciprocal relationship,  you should limit the time you are donating to them. It may seem cold to describe a friendship in such transnational terms, but in reality, being more rational about it may help you to detach from the unhealthy situation. Don't disclose anything private or personal. Keep these people at arm's length. Start putting yourself first. You are worth protecting from the negativity that toxic and ambivalent people bring into your life. 

Sometimes you are not able to stop interacting with the toxic or ambivalent person. If that is the case, for example, if the person is a relative or co-worker, you can limit interactions and keep your conversations at surface level. Don't  say anything to these folks in confidence. Don't talk about personal opinions, let them do the talking and get away as soon as you are able. 

Toxic and ambivalent relationships are the opposite of true friendships. They are damaging because they make you cautious about trusting others and fearful that the things you have shared will be used to hurt you later. As you eliminate these unhealthy relationships, you will find that you have opened up space for new healthier ones. 

Are you struggling to find balance and navigate relationship challenges? I am available to help! Formerly on staff at the Tulane Student Health Center Department of Psychiatry, helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion, I am a professional psychotherapist and I specialize in academic, success, and life coaching. I work primarily with college students and young professionals. I would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you. 

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

Let's connect!

Facebook  | Twitter  |  LinkedIn

Get Connected: Real-World Relationships in the Digital Age

For all of the convenience of the modern world, from GPS systems to smartphones, interpersonal relationships seem to be getting more difficult to negotiate in the digital age. It may seem counter intuitive that in a time where we are more connected to those in our social networks more often than at any other point in history, so many people feel lonely and detached from one another.   

In this post, I will look at some of the factors causing people to feel a sense of depression and disconnectedness in this hyper-connected culture, as well as some simple ways to mitigate the issues that arise as a result of the overwhelming technology-focus in modern relationships.

The Link Between Social Media and Depressed Mood

This is a topic that comes up often. Several factors may contribute to the negative emotional consequences and even depression that correspond with social media use.  An obvious cause of depressed mood resulting from social media use is bullying or other negative online experiences. It is estimated that about 50% of adolescents have been bullied online and about 80% report having had negative experiences.  Research conducted by the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine found a correlation between time spent using social media and depression. Another well-researched cause of negative mood is the tendency of people to compare their lives to the highly curated lives of friends and acquaintances. The resulting jealousy and sense of inadequacy can cause a great deal of suffering. This can translate into bitterness and emotional aggression towards people in real life resulting from online interactions. 

The Communication Gap with Texting and Instant Messaging

Ever found that what you were trying to text to someone was completely lost in translation? If you are like me, you have had conversations in which both parties later pulled out phones and compared in an attempt to clarify some mistyped or poorly punctuated statement that caused a disagreement or mishap of some kind.  Texting can be a wonderful way of quickly communicating, but it can also be problematic when you attempt to translate more complex communication with its limited functionality.   

Virtual Spaces

Social media makes us feel as if we are participants in the lives of loved ones and old friends as we watch their children's birthday parties and vicariously enjoy images of weddings and new homes, but this digital participation lacks the emotional impact of non-virtual interaction. In a real-life friendship, there are conversations and disagreements. It is through that type of dialog that young people are socialized and adults maintain critical skills like emotional intelligence and empathy. It is through real-world interactions that our society stays intact as people learn to navigate challenge and conflict and come to a consensus with others. While it is wonderful to stay aware of the lives of those we love through social media, without true contact, we are merely consumers of their life experiences.

Other concerning issues have arisen as a result of the heavy of social media use currently being observed in culture, such as the inability of many digital natives (generations raised with access to digital technology) to interact in a non-digital environment. In addition, there has been a lot of research on the way screen time, the predominance of structured (adult-supervised activities over child-driven activities), and digital communication are degrading conflict resolution skills in emerging generations.

Friendship in the real world.

After all the talk about the negative impacts of modern technology and social media, you may be wondering about positive use. It is important to remember that these communication platforms exist because they give us the ability to quickly and easily share a memory with a former college roommate that we have not seen in awhile, or reach out to family members across the country while planning a reunion. These platforms did not rise to unprecedented levels of popularity they now boast by being the cause of depression and negativity. We use social media to stay connected. It can be an asset to our lives if used properly.

How can you have more genuine friendships while still enjoying the convenience of digital life? Social media platforms, like smartphones and televisions, are a communication tool. There is nothing inherently wrong with using social media. Still, it's important to remember that communication is best when it goes both ways. To make social an ally to your relationships, rather than a hindrance, I have a few suggestions:

Think about what you really want to get out of your social media use

Lots of people get on social media to kill time but never really take the time to think about why they chose to spend part of each day using it. I suggest taking a little time to think about the ways social benefits you and the ways it may be detrimental and create an action plan for yourself. If you waste time using Pinterest on your phone while you should be doing something productive, consider removing the app and using only when you are sitting at your computer. If looking at celebrity gossip makes you feel bad, make a deal with yourself to stop clicking. Be aware of the pleasures and pitfalls and let that awareness govern your choices.  

Have conversations with people rather than just existing as an observer

This is key to positive social media use. When you are feeling a little too much like an online stalker or voyeur – take the time to instant message an old friend or send that thank you email to your aunt.  It is vitally important to have healthy real-world relationships with people you love and trust. These form the basis for your understanding the world and are the primary areas in which you practice conflict resolution and connectedness. Interacting online with people you have consistent non-virtual contact with can be a great deal of fun!

Set limits

Limit the amount of time you spend on social media each day. Set limits on the number of social media platforms you participate on (research has shown that the more social networks people are involved in, the bluer they feel). Set limits on who you interact with (if someone habitually makes you angry, stop looking). This may sound a bit extreme, but restrictions can be really healthy when it comes to social media use. I have clients who have chosen to remove all social apps from their phones or look exclusively at content that improves their lives. This type of thoughtful consumption can go a long way toward making social a positive factor in your life.

New technology definitely impacts the way we relate to one another in this day and age. Being more aware of the way digital interactions make you feel can help you have healthier relationships, online and off.

Struggling to find balance and navigate relationships in the digital world? I am available to help! Formerly on staff at the Tulane Student & Health Center of Psychiatry, helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion, I am a professional psychotherapist and I specialize in academic, success, and life coaching. I work primarily with college students and young professionals. I would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you.

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

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Dial Direct: How to respond to passive-aggression in daily life

You’ve all heard the phrase passive-aggressive and chances are that you have also experienced the behavior in your daily lives. But do you really know what passive-aggressive means and why people exhibit this behavior? When you experience passive-aggression, do you know the best way to neutralize it?

What does passive-aggressive mean?

The term passive-aggressive refers to the unhealthy way in which some people respond to minor issues or conflicts indirectly rather than head-on. This non-assertive expression of negative feelings such as frustration or anger often appears as subtle, emotional retaliation rather than direct communication.

What does passive-aggression look like?

Passive-aggressive behavior can run the gamut from passively unhelpful to downright rude. Some examples of its many manifestations are:

·         Saying yes, but then not following through with a task

·         Procrastination or putting things off until it is too late

·         Responding in a calm, but resentful way

·         Reluctance to accept the suggestions of others

·         Blaming others for something one’s own negligence caused

·         Doing something poorly

·         Sullen behavior

·         Deliberately ineffective or inefficient behavior

·         Withdrawing from communication  

·         “I’ll show them” or “I’ll get them back” attitude

Why do people behave this way?

The failure (or inability) to voice one’s true feelings that is inherent in passive-aggressive behavior is often the result of general communication and self-esteem issues. These may originate in the person’s family, a marriage where there is an imbalance of power, or some other relationship in which the person felt or feels they are at a power disadvantage.  This behavior is widespread, with both women and men exhibiting it, but why? One reason we see a lot of this behavior is that being angry out out-right hostile can quickly make one unpopular, even though it is perfectly normal to be angry at times. A core belief that keeps this behavior alive is the sense of being a victim. Passive-aggressive people don't feel like they are in control and thus attempt to gain control over situations with manipulative behaviors instead of direct communication or confrontation.  It is a form of learned helplessness that is camouflaged as quiet, covert hostility.

People who are too passive or shy to express their true emotions and opinions may get frustrated and use this dysfunctional technique to retaliate or express irritation in a socially acceptable manner.  For some, expressing anger covertly, through poor work, sullen behavior, or procrastination feels safer than direct communication.   Passive-aggressive behavior is one way that a person who has trouble being assertive reacts to being asked to do something they don’t want to do. When they feel unfairly treated, burdened, or inconvenienced they respond with passive-aggression because taking a stand might bring conflict that they would rather avoid. It is a way of getting back at the person who made the request in a convenient, comfortable way. This may be out of fear of conflict, but it can also be the way they were raised. To a passive-aggressive person, this response feels morecomfortable than assertiveness.    

The main problem with passive-aggressive behavior is that it does not usually lead to resolution of the issue causing annoyance. Instead, the negative feelings build in the passive-aggressive person and those on thereceiving end. This can make it difficult to solve problems because the passive-aggressive party seldom expresses their true feelings about a situation. Assertiveness must be learned and if passive-aggression was the coping mechanism modeled for an individual, they may not even know that it is unhealthy.  As one continues to use this technique, they grow more and more irritated and resentful. 

How can you neutralize passive-aggressive action?

There are several techniques for effectively shutting down passive-aggressive behavior. Here we will look at 5 that are particularly effective. 

1.    Take note: Learning to identify and name passive-aggressive behavior when it arises is challenging but invaluable to ending it.

2.    Refuse to engage: Do not respond to the person behaving passive-aggressively with frustration and do not respond in kind. Instead, be calm and ask them directly what is bothering them.

3.    Reflect back: Feel free to call them out on their behavior and let them know that if there is an issue, you would love to discuss it directly.

4.    Be cool: Don’t get angry, emotional, or frustrated – demonstrate for the passive-aggressive person how to assertively deal with an issue.

5.    Be frank: Explain that passive-aggressive behavior does not work, but don’t expect the person to change quickly. It often takes many conversations and confrontations before a passive aggressive person starts to recognize their unhealthy behavior.

If someone in your life responds to you in a passive aggressive way, remember that they may not even be aware that their behavior is unhealthy. Try to let them know that they are not communication effectively and gently prod them to tell you what is bothering them. They may be emotional when confronted, so make sure you keep your own emotions in check. It is unlikely that the person’s behavior will change the first time you point it out, but over time, you may see a more assertive response from them.

Formerly on staff at the Tulane Student & Health Center of Psychiatry, helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion. I am a professional psychotherapist and I specialize in academic, success, and life coaching. I work primarily with college students and young professionals. I would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you.  

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne