Get Connected: Real-World Relationships in the Digital Age

For all of the convenience of the modern world, from GPS systems to smartphones, interpersonal relationships seem to be getting more difficult to negotiate in the digital age. It may seem counter intuitive that in a time where we are more connected to those in our social networks more often than at any other point in history, so many people feel lonely and detached from one another.   

In this post, I will look at some of the factors causing people to feel a sense of depression and disconnectedness in this hyper-connected culture, as well as some simple ways to mitigate the issues that arise as a result of the overwhelming technology-focus in modern relationships.

The Link Between Social Media and Depressed Mood

This is a topic that comes up often. Several factors may contribute to the negative emotional consequences and even depression that correspond with social media use.  An obvious cause of depressed mood resulting from social media use is bullying or other negative online experiences. It is estimated that about 50% of adolescents have been bullied online and about 80% report having had negative experiences.  Research conducted by the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine found a correlation between time spent using social media and depression. Another well-researched cause of negative mood is the tendency of people to compare their lives to the highly curated lives of friends and acquaintances. The resulting jealousy and sense of inadequacy can cause a great deal of suffering. This can translate into bitterness and emotional aggression towards people in real life resulting from online interactions. 

The Communication Gap with Texting and Instant Messaging

Ever found that what you were trying to text to someone was completely lost in translation? If you are like me, you have had conversations in which both parties later pulled out phones and compared in an attempt to clarify some mistyped or poorly punctuated statement that caused a disagreement or mishap of some kind.  Texting can be a wonderful way of quickly communicating, but it can also be problematic when you attempt to translate more complex communication with its limited functionality.   

Virtual Spaces

Social media makes us feel as if we are participants in the lives of loved ones and old friends as we watch their children's birthday parties and vicariously enjoy images of weddings and new homes, but this digital participation lacks the emotional impact of non-virtual interaction. In a real-life friendship, there are conversations and disagreements. It is through that type of dialog that young people are socialized and adults maintain critical skills like emotional intelligence and empathy. It is through real-world interactions that our society stays intact as people learn to navigate challenge and conflict and come to a consensus with others. While it is wonderful to stay aware of the lives of those we love through social media, without true contact, we are merely consumers of their life experiences.

Other concerning issues have arisen as a result of the heavy of social media use currently being observed in culture, such as the inability of many digital natives (generations raised with access to digital technology) to interact in a non-digital environment. In addition, there has been a lot of research on the way screen time, the predominance of structured (adult-supervised activities over child-driven activities), and digital communication are degrading conflict resolution skills in emerging generations.

Friendship in the real world.

After all the talk about the negative impacts of modern technology and social media, you may be wondering about positive use. It is important to remember that these communication platforms exist because they give us the ability to quickly and easily share a memory with a former college roommate that we have not seen in awhile, or reach out to family members across the country while planning a reunion. These platforms did not rise to unprecedented levels of popularity they now boast by being the cause of depression and negativity. We use social media to stay connected. It can be an asset to our lives if used properly.

How can you have more genuine friendships while still enjoying the convenience of digital life? Social media platforms, like smartphones and televisions, are a communication tool. There is nothing inherently wrong with using social media. Still, it's important to remember that communication is best when it goes both ways. To make social an ally to your relationships, rather than a hindrance, I have a few suggestions:

Think about what you really want to get out of your social media use

Lots of people get on social media to kill time but never really take the time to think about why they chose to spend part of each day using it. I suggest taking a little time to think about the ways social benefits you and the ways it may be detrimental and create an action plan for yourself. If you waste time using Pinterest on your phone while you should be doing something productive, consider removing the app and using only when you are sitting at your computer. If looking at celebrity gossip makes you feel bad, make a deal with yourself to stop clicking. Be aware of the pleasures and pitfalls and let that awareness govern your choices.  

Have conversations with people rather than just existing as an observer

This is key to positive social media use. When you are feeling a little too much like an online stalker or voyeur – take the time to instant message an old friend or send that thank you email to your aunt.  It is vitally important to have healthy real-world relationships with people you love and trust. These form the basis for your understanding the world and are the primary areas in which you practice conflict resolution and connectedness. Interacting online with people you have consistent non-virtual contact with can be a great deal of fun!

Set limits

Limit the amount of time you spend on social media each day. Set limits on the number of social media platforms you participate on (research has shown that the more social networks people are involved in, the bluer they feel). Set limits on who you interact with (if someone habitually makes you angry, stop looking). This may sound a bit extreme, but restrictions can be really healthy when it comes to social media use. I have clients who have chosen to remove all social apps from their phones or look exclusively at content that improves their lives. This type of thoughtful consumption can go a long way toward making social a positive factor in your life.

New technology definitely impacts the way we relate to one another in this day and age. Being more aware of the way digital interactions make you feel can help you have healthier relationships, online and off.

Struggling to find balance and navigate relationships in the digital world? I am available to help! Formerly on staff at the Tulane Student & Health Center of Psychiatry, helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion, I am a professional psychotherapist and I specialize in academic, success, and life coaching. I work primarily with college students and young professionals. I would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you.

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

Let's connect!

Facebook  | Twitter  |  LinkedIn

Moving in Together: What to consider before living with with your sweetheart

You have been dating awhile, you have met one another’s friends and families. You are exclusive and spend a lot of time at one another’s places. You think you are ready to take the next big step: cohabitation. There are lots of considerations you’ll want to understand before taking the leap. The planning and coordination involved in this first stage of the cohabitation process can be stressful, but it can also be a lot of fun. How well you work together as you search for a place, decide what to keep in your place together, and how to discuss money matter, will be a great indicator of how well matched you are for one another.

Practical Matters

You will have to discuss the logistics of living together way ahead of moving in. This first stage will be a strong indicator of how well you will communicate as you move forward. You will need to talk through all of the logistical factors of your new life together and come to mutually satisfying agreements. 

For starters, where will you live? What size apartment do you want? What part of town is best for you? There are many factors to consider when deciding where to live. 

What will you keep and what will you get rid of? You will need to work together to plan and evaluate the value of common items like furniture and electronics. You may decide to sell some things, give some to friends, donate some, and get rid of others. This is normal when you make a move, but the considerations will be more intense because you and your partner will be evaluating one another’s possessions as well as your own. 

How much can you afford to pay for rent? This may be the most challenging part of cohabitation. If you have never had to discuss money matters with a partner, this new territory may be a little intimidating. If you are going to live with your sweetheart, you will have to get used to less financial privacy. You will be responsible for whatever the two of you agree to and and accountable to your partner. This can cause tension, but if you remember to communicate, you will move through it.

How will bills be divvied up? If you make roughly the same amount of money, you may choose to split bills 50/50. If one of you makes more you may choose some other division. Whatever the case, this is definitely something you should be prepared for ahead of time. If you partner loves cable, but you are too busy for television, perhaps, they can handle that cost. Think it through so you have a good idea of how much you will need each month.

Who will do the chores? Do you hate to vacuum while your partner hates laundry? Excellent! Then you can do laundry and they can vacuum, provided that you can both agree. This seems minor, but it can cause a lot of conflict between people who live together, be it roommates or romantic partners. Try to have this chat while you are still in the planning stages of your move so that you both know where the other stands. 

Tips for romantic roommies

As with everything else in life that involves other people: communication is key! If you have fears or concerns talk about them in an open and honest manner. If you feel that you cannot talk, try to write them down. Find a way to share your feelings with your partner. Establishing great communication early on can make your relationship one that lasts for years to come. Along the way, make sure to check in with yourself and trust your gut. If you start to feel like maybe you have jumped in too soon and are not quite ready, pay attention to that inner wisdom. Once you have signed a lease together, it will be much harder to change your mind. Here are some quick tips for keeping communication on the up-and-up.

• Don’t let it fester! If you have something to talk about, don’t put it off until it becomes a big problem. Talk about things that are on your mind often so that you don’t have great big explosions of pent up frustration. 
• Plan to compromise. You are sharing your life with someone when you decide to live with them. That means you no longer get to do everything just the way you like to do it. You are going to have a compromise a good deal to have a harmonious relationship. Watch that your compromises are not too big and that you are not giving up things that are truly important to you. You should also make sure that both partners are compromising about the same amount. 
• Set ground rules. Make sure you both know what is and is not acceptable. For example, if you sweetheart is going to come up short for rent, make sure you have defined some rules about how far in advance you need to know this information. Decide who will do which chores and who will pay which bills. Think about how it will work if one of you wants to let people sleep over or have a party. Try to consider as many sensitive scenarios as you can ahead of time so that you both know where the other stands ahead of time. 
• Give each other space. Once you move in together, it is going to be harder to find quiet time. Make sure you each have a little nook in your place together where you can concentrate and work. It is also a great idea to carve out independent activities each week. A meditation class that you attend alone, a night out with friends for your partner. Be sure to find time to do things you love even if your sweetheart isn’t into them. You may feel like you have to include them in everything, but that isn’t the case. It is important for both of you to have some independent activities. 

Finally, the good stuff

After you get through the complicated part of moving in together, you can enjoy some of the benefits. As you get your place set up and the dust starts to settle, you will find that there are some great things about cohabitation. Living with your sweetheart means you will have a consistent source of emotional support. You will also enjoy the financial support of sharing responsibilities like rent, bills, and buying groceries. Finally, living with the one you love means that you will have far more opportunities to share quality time together. It can be one of the best experiences if you take the time to plan and communicate.

References:

https://www.moveline.com/couples

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/6-questions-to-ask-before-moving-in-with-your-partner_b_7302798.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/11/tips-on-living-together_n_6122426.html

http://www.usnews.com/education/articles/2010/08/13/5-tips-to-getting-along-with-your-roommate

Wallflower Power: Why Understanding Introversion is Important

A Quarter of the Population is Misunderstood

As noted in my previous article on the subject: “Introverts tend to be reserved and solitary, while extroverts are typically characterized as outgoing and social.” We have already discussed the fact that about 25% of the population is thought to be introverted. The primary differences between introverts and extroverts are neurological and biological. Introvert brains processes information differently, using many parts of the brain when making decisions and coming to conclusions, and therefore, they have slower processing speeds. The other key difference between introverts and extroverts is the way they feel about social situations. Extroverts tend to feel alive and energized in groups and social settings, while introverts can quickly become exhausted when they are required to interact with a group. Introverts need lots of quiet, alone time to replenish themselves. 

Since extroverts make up the majority of the population, it has become the ideal by default. Introversion is just beginning to be understood, and therefore, we have a misunderstood minority that has been forced to try to live in a world made by and for an extroverted majority. This means that many people who are introverted have been required to behave as if they are extroverts or feel as if there is something wrong with them. This doesn’t benefit anyone because society as a whole loses the valuable input of a sizeable segment when it ignores  introverts. 

The Value of Introverts

When Susan Cain wrote her New York Times bestseller Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, she got people around the world thinking about introverts and how recognizing and respecting the unique characteristics of introverted people is enormously important. The subsequent TedTalk empowered introverts around the world to start thinking about their own value and how many of the spaces and activities in our culture are designed by and for extroverts. In particular, Cain addressed the way that collaboration and group work has taken the place of independent study and work in many university classes and corporate office environments, and how that may be highly detrimental to innovation, as the most dominant voice in a group is likely to influence the others on a team. Extroverts like to talk through ideas in meetings, whereas introverts need quiet space to think through an idea. This means that introvert voices and opinions can be completely drowned out and lost in group situations. 

Why does this matter? 

Besides the fact that about a quarter of the team goes unheard, introverts are deep thinkers and tend to process matters more thoroughly, so losing their input means losing very thoughtfully considered opinions. The different brain wiring of introverts also makes writing a very valuable means of communication for them. Writing uses different pathways in the brain that speaking does and this form of communication comes naturally to folks who are introverted, allowing for high levels of fluency. Meetings and group projects don’t offer the same space for writing as independent work does, therefore eliminating the ability for introverted individuals to work through problems and in turn, losing their valuable input. Recognizing the introverts in your work and school environment, will allow you to capitalize on their deep thinking and maximize the value of your teams. 

We live in a world that is rich with diversity of all kinds, the more we recognize all the different approaches to thinking and being that exist, the more amazing our world will be. 

Wondering if you may be an introvert? Take Susan Cain’s informal quiz to find out.

Sincerely, 
Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0KYU2j0TM4

http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-leadership/wp/2013/09/24/the-science-of-introverts-and-the-workplace/

http://introvertdear.com/2015/05/13/the-science-behind-why-introverts-struggle-to-speak/

Speak My Language: Effectively Communicating Appreciation

With his own marriage still going strong after over 45 years, a successful career as a marriage counselor, and numerous marriage conferences under his belt, Dr. Gary Chapman’s expertise is pretty clearly demonstrated. He is passionate about helping people strengthen this key relationship in their lives by providing more effective tools for communication. 

Among other resources, you will find his Five Love Languages (described in detail in his book: The Five Love Languages: The Secret  to Love that Lasts), which I will focus on in this post. The idea behind his book, is that identifying and defining the different ways that individuals feel most appreciated and connected, is fundamental to high functioning relationships. If you express love in one way, but your partner understands another mode of communicating, you may be sending signals that are not being received. If, however, you understand how to show your affection and appreciation in a way that is clear to your partner, your communication and your relationship will improve dramatically. If you use a language that is meaningful to your partner, your messages will be received and understood. 

Let’s look at the five “languages” that people commonly use to express intimacy and affection.

Acts of Service

For some people, the way they understand love best is by the kinds of thoughtful gestures their partners do for them. For these communicators, taking out the garbage or packing a lunch will speak volumes more than telling them how you feel. When acts of service is the language your partner understand best, think of the old idiom: actions speak louder than words. They will understand that you love them most clearly when you do things that they can see as caring. Take them out to a favorite restaurant, run their car through the car wash, rent a movie they have been wanting to see. This may be the simplest language, but if you have a partner who “speaks” it, you will need to be thoughtful and observant to be able to communicate effectively. 

Physical Touch

If your partner’s primary love language is physical touch, the fastest way to let them know you care is a hug, taking hold of their hand, or even putting your hand on their shoulder while watching a movie. Touch has a great deal of power to convey emotions. For these communicators, the fastest and most effective way to communicate your feelings is by some kind of physical affection. This does not have to mean over-the-top public displays, it can be as simple as putting your arm around their waist. People who crave physical affection respond well to all kinds of touch and you can let them know how you are feeling about them with the simplest gesture. 

Quality Time

For those whose primary language is quality time, the most effective way to communicate is by giving them your attention. Let your partner or spouse know you care by scheduling a one-on-one dinner or taking an evening walk and discussing the events of the day. For this type of communicator, your undivided attention is pure gold. For quality time communicators, the best way to let them know you appreciate them, is by turning off the television, putting your phone away and focusing on them (not a bad practice for anyone in any type of relationship).

Receiving Gifts

If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, the best way to express your love and devotion, is through small, thoughtful gifts to them. You need not buy them lots of expensive things thoughtful items will serve to express your feelings. Cards, flowers, favorite snacks are all effective tools for communicating your feelings. If they speak the language of receiving gifts, tokens of your affection will send the clearest signal to them. Recognize their accomplishments with small gifts of things they love, pick up a nice bottle of scotch or a box of chocolates and they will feel valued and adored.

Words of Affirmation

This language focuses on speaking your appreciation aloud to your partner, telling them what you observe and value about them. This can be as simple as “thanks for dropping the kids at school today” or “I really am thankful that you helped me take my car to the mechanic this morning.” You may think that your spouse just knows you appreciate these things, but for those for whom this language is most meaningful, your words are the most valuable currency. This language represents a verbal acknowledgement of the things you notice and treasure about your spouse, and for those whose primary language in verbal, it is the best and easiest way to communicate your appreciation and affection. 

If you don’t immediately recognise your own language, will take the quiz. To me, this tool is a win-win, because knowing a little bit more about yourself and your partner can only serve to strengthen the bond. Additionally, Dr. Chapman developed a similar set of languages for the workplace, which can be a very valuable tool for those managing teams. His belief in this methodology does not stop there, he has also written books about the five languages for teens and for children, and even for singles, so if this information is meaningful to you, there are additional resources available.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages

http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html

Modern Love: Communication Styles of Men and Women

It is often noted that men and women communicate and process emotions differently. If we recognize, appreciate, and embrace differences, it can help us have more satisfying relationships. Let’s break down a few of the key differences in communication styles and look at how understanding them can improve our relationships. It is important to note that there are lots of exceptions to the generalizations below, I am simply attempting to shine a little light onto an issue that can cause conflict in many relationships.

Do male and female brains really process differently?
Perhaps. It is generally accepted that women are better communicators than men, they are better able to recognize emotional cues and are naturally more empathetic, picking up on myriad non-verbal cues from others. Women tend toward compromise and solutions that take into account the feelings of all parties involved. Men, however, are less communicative and more task-oriented. They are not as adept at reading and interpreting non-verbal cues and they tend toward independent problem-solving action when emotions are aroused. This is partly because men process from the problem solving left hemisphere of the brain, while women process equally between both hemispheres. This means men want to solve a problem with a linear series of tasks, while women may combine many approaches at once when problem solving. In women, the sections in the brain which handle language are markedly larger, making verbal communication easier, while the logic or “math” section of the brain is larger in men, making them want to solve problems by taking logical actions. This may be the reason men seem more focused on problem solving while women are considered more emotionally-focused.

How can this information help us communicate better?
Awareness of these differences can help remind us not to get frustrated when someone of the opposite gender doesn’t seem to understand us. It can also enable us to come up with intelligent communication solutions. For example, women can directly express their emotions and desires rather than expecting men to pick up on more subtle non-verbal cues. Men can practice verbally expressing emotions to women, rather than moving directly into problem-solving actions.

What are you thinking?
This is a question so common that it’s become a cliche, often, women become quiet when they are feeling hurt or unhappy. On the other hand, when a man stops talking, it can be an indication that he is in the process of solving a problem. Again we see that men’s brains are wired to direct them to action during times of emotion, whereas, women’s wiring drives them to discuss highly emotional matters. It takes longer for men to physically and chemically regain composure after an emotional event than it does for women which can also help to explain why men may want to take some action right away to help them alleviate increased levels of stress chemicals in the body.

The role of society in gender differences
No matter how similar men and women are, there are still some key differences. These tend to be magnified by the expectations and norms of society. Recognizing this can help us solve conflicts and develop stronger bonds. Cultural ideas of masculinity and femininity have added a layer of difficulty to communication between genders. Modern Western culture tends to allow women to be emotional and sensitive while pressuring men to be strong and unemotional. Generally speaking, men process emotions privately and tend to keep things to themselves for fear of appearing weak, while women are expected to talk about feelings and can freely cry and emote. In reality, everyone can benefit from communicating about problems and talking through conflicts.

Next time you have an emotionally charged exchange with someone of the opposite gender, consider the type of conditioning that they may have received and how they might be processing the situation differently. Remember that we all deal with highly emotional situations in our own way and that sometimes, even our gender can play a role in how we deal with conflict. When you take the time to consider the other’s point of view, you will be well on your way to more effective communication.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/25/how-men-and-women-process_n_6510160.html?ir=Women&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046
http://www.emotionalprocessing.org/Full%20World%20of%20emotions/Emotional%20Processing%20&%20Gender/Emotional%20expression%20in%20men%20&%20women.html
http://www.thehopeline.com/102-why-do-women-handle-emotions-differently-than-men/
http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/psychology_articles/men-women-emotions.html