Gratitude is Good For You!

Gratitude is defined as the quality of being thankful for what is, some noteworthy aspects of gratitude are:

·         Gratitude is an affirmation of goodness
·         Gratitude recognizes that this goodness comes from outside of the self

Gratitude is profoundly positive emotion, it is a key component in positive psychology. Yet it is frequently discounted or overlooked as a tool for improving mood. Recent scientific studies have demonstrated a number of benefits that come as a direct result of cultivating and practicing gratitude.  Gratitude inspires us to take better care of our health and helps us cope with stress. Those who practice gratitude also have stronger relationships and immune systems, lower blood pressure, and more joy! Recognizing what we are thankful for is a fairly straightforward and simple practice which does not require any equipment or monthly fees, it’s silly not to practice gratitude!

How your life can grow with gratitude

Grateful people experience an increased sense of well-being and joy. Gratitude also increases optimism, empathy,  and self-esteem. Being appreciative can change the emotional landscape of your life in other ways too,  a 2014 study showed that when you thank new acquaintances, they feel more compelled to work for a continued relationship. When you take the time to thank colleagues for contributions, they feel a greater desire to work with you in the future. Gratitude can literally build and strengthen relationships. Gratitude also reduces tendencies toward aggression because grateful people are more sensitive to the feelings of others. Envy is a contributing factor in poor self-esteem and research demonstrates that feeling thankful for what you have reduces the tendency to make social comparisons and feel envious.

Healthy habits

You may have heard that it is not possible to feel gratitude and fear at the same time.  Research has proven that it is true, it is a fact of neurology that the states of fear and appreciation are mutually exclusive. By reducing toxic emotions like fear, frustration, and envy, studies have demonstrated that feelings of gratitude can increase happiness and reduce instances of depression. Additionally, people who practice gratitude report feeling healthier and take better care of themselves, exercising and visiting their primary care physician for regular checkups. resulting in better health overall.

Practicing gratitude

Now that we have demonstrated that cultivating gratitude has myriad benefits, let’s look at a few approaches that you can take to developing your own practice of gratitude.

Gratitude journal

The most popular gratitude practice is probably keeping a gratitude journal. According to a 2014 study, keeping  a gratitude journal results in better, longer sleep, and who can’t use a little more rest in this busy world? To develop this practice, it is recommended that you keep your journal in the same place and choose a time when you will write in it each day. As with any other habit or practice, consistency is key. By spending only 5 minutes each day writing a list of a few things you feel thankful for, you can improve your outlook and your life!

First thoughts/last thoughts

A great way to set the tone of your day is with gratitude. Upon waking, before you spring into action (or stumble to the coffee pot) think of a few things for which you are thankful. This will set a positive tone for the whole day. Alternately, you may choose to spend the last few minutes before you drift off to sleep thinking about the things you appreciate in your life. This will bring your day to a calm and happy close. Preparing you for a restful night of sleep.

Thank you notes

The lost art of the thank you note is something that is seldom remembered, but always appreciated. While those of us who are a little older were taught that taking the time to send a written thank you was vitally important, the practice has fallen out of fashion. If you send thanks to folks who have done something thoughtful for you, you will be amazed by the delight they express at being appreciated in such a concrete way.  This is a special gratitude practice because while you are writing the note, you are in gratitude mode, and then when you experience the appreciation the recipient feels at being appreciated, you will again be put in that state of mind!

These are only a few practices, you may think of ways to consider your own appreciation that works better for you. Developing an attitude of gratitude can literally transform your life. Being appreciative makes you feel better about yourself and more compassionate toward others. Choosing a simple daily practice of gratitude is free and has the potential to improve every part of your daily life. It’s a win-win!

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/gratitude

http://www.webmd.com/women/features/gratitute-health-boost

http://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2014/11/23/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-of-gratitude-that-will-motivate-you-to-give-thanks-year-round/#4536792e6800

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/05/17/grateful-and-depressed-you-can-be-both/

Moving in Together: What to consider before living with with your sweetheart

You have been dating awhile, you have met one another’s friends and families. You are exclusive and spend a lot of time at one another’s places. You think you are ready to take the next big step: cohabitation. There are lots of considerations you’ll want to understand before taking the leap. The planning and coordination involved in this first stage of the cohabitation process can be stressful, but it can also be a lot of fun. How well you work together as you search for a place, decide what to keep in your place together, and how to discuss money matter, will be a great indicator of how well matched you are for one another.

Practical Matters

You will have to discuss the logistics of living together way ahead of moving in. This first stage will be a strong indicator of how well you will communicate as you move forward. You will need to talk through all of the logistical factors of your new life together and come to mutually satisfying agreements. 

For starters, where will you live? What size apartment do you want? What part of town is best for you? There are many factors to consider when deciding where to live. 

What will you keep and what will you get rid of? You will need to work together to plan and evaluate the value of common items like furniture and electronics. You may decide to sell some things, give some to friends, donate some, and get rid of others. This is normal when you make a move, but the considerations will be more intense because you and your partner will be evaluating one another’s possessions as well as your own. 

How much can you afford to pay for rent? This may be the most challenging part of cohabitation. If you have never had to discuss money matters with a partner, this new territory may be a little intimidating. If you are going to live with your sweetheart, you will have to get used to less financial privacy. You will be responsible for whatever the two of you agree to and and accountable to your partner. This can cause tension, but if you remember to communicate, you will move through it.

How will bills be divvied up? If you make roughly the same amount of money, you may choose to split bills 50/50. If one of you makes more you may choose some other division. Whatever the case, this is definitely something you should be prepared for ahead of time. If you partner loves cable, but you are too busy for television, perhaps, they can handle that cost. Think it through so you have a good idea of how much you will need each month.

Who will do the chores? Do you hate to vacuum while your partner hates laundry? Excellent! Then you can do laundry and they can vacuum, provided that you can both agree. This seems minor, but it can cause a lot of conflict between people who live together, be it roommates or romantic partners. Try to have this chat while you are still in the planning stages of your move so that you both know where the other stands. 

Tips for romantic roommies

As with everything else in life that involves other people: communication is key! If you have fears or concerns talk about them in an open and honest manner. If you feel that you cannot talk, try to write them down. Find a way to share your feelings with your partner. Establishing great communication early on can make your relationship one that lasts for years to come. Along the way, make sure to check in with yourself and trust your gut. If you start to feel like maybe you have jumped in too soon and are not quite ready, pay attention to that inner wisdom. Once you have signed a lease together, it will be much harder to change your mind. Here are some quick tips for keeping communication on the up-and-up.

• Don’t let it fester! If you have something to talk about, don’t put it off until it becomes a big problem. Talk about things that are on your mind often so that you don’t have great big explosions of pent up frustration. 
• Plan to compromise. You are sharing your life with someone when you decide to live with them. That means you no longer get to do everything just the way you like to do it. You are going to have a compromise a good deal to have a harmonious relationship. Watch that your compromises are not too big and that you are not giving up things that are truly important to you. You should also make sure that both partners are compromising about the same amount. 
• Set ground rules. Make sure you both know what is and is not acceptable. For example, if you sweetheart is going to come up short for rent, make sure you have defined some rules about how far in advance you need to know this information. Decide who will do which chores and who will pay which bills. Think about how it will work if one of you wants to let people sleep over or have a party. Try to consider as many sensitive scenarios as you can ahead of time so that you both know where the other stands ahead of time. 
• Give each other space. Once you move in together, it is going to be harder to find quiet time. Make sure you each have a little nook in your place together where you can concentrate and work. It is also a great idea to carve out independent activities each week. A meditation class that you attend alone, a night out with friends for your partner. Be sure to find time to do things you love even if your sweetheart isn’t into them. You may feel like you have to include them in everything, but that isn’t the case. It is important for both of you to have some independent activities. 

Finally, the good stuff

After you get through the complicated part of moving in together, you can enjoy some of the benefits. As you get your place set up and the dust starts to settle, you will find that there are some great things about cohabitation. Living with your sweetheart means you will have a consistent source of emotional support. You will also enjoy the financial support of sharing responsibilities like rent, bills, and buying groceries. Finally, living with the one you love means that you will have far more opportunities to share quality time together. It can be one of the best experiences if you take the time to plan and communicate.

References:

https://www.moveline.com/couples

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/6-questions-to-ask-before-moving-in-with-your-partner_b_7302798.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/11/tips-on-living-together_n_6122426.html

http://www.usnews.com/education/articles/2010/08/13/5-tips-to-getting-along-with-your-roommate

Let it Go! Knowing When to End a Relationship

As you move through your lives, you will inevitably grow and change. Often, as you make big, positive changes,  you begin to see that some of the ways that you have been doing things have not been serving you very well. When this type of shift occurs, you will find that some of the people in your world no longer share the same values as you do or support you in ways that are meaningful. Sometimes you just know that you need to break free from a relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic partnership, but feel reluctant to hurt the other person. This is a challenging situation for anyone, and one that deserves deep consideration. 

Should I stay or should I go?

When you reach the make-or-break point, it’s important to do a thorough analysis of the relationship to see if it is one that can be salvaged or one that you should sever yourself from.

Below are five signs that a relationship may be ready for release:

1. When little things start to cause you to feel irritation and even resentment towards a person, it is a sign that the warmth and goodwill in your relationship may have run its course. You used to be mildly annoyed when your friend seemed competitive, now it makes you feel irate. An old friend seems to make all the wrong choices all the time and you cannot bear to watch the disasters unfold any longer.  Your sweetheart always forgets to bring his wallet when you go out or does the same old things that irritate you in spite of numerous reminders. When things that were once minor annoyances start to drive you mad, you may be heading for a split.
   
2. When all of your effort to make needed change fails to bring the change about. You’ve talked until you’re blue in the face, you’ve gone to counseling, you’ve tried to make new rules and stop doing the things that annoy one another, but all the effort seems to fall flat. When you try everything to make a relationship better and it still seems to be falling apart, or if you cannot break negative patterns and change the relationship in spite of your best effort, it may be a sign that you’d be better off without it.
   
3. If your relationship is keeping you from growth and expansion, it is probably time to let it go. There is always compromise in relationships, which is healthy and promotes the higher good of both parties, but there are also situations where one person holds another back. Regardless of whether they mean to or not, if your loved ones are keeping you from achieving your highest good and expressing all the great things you have to express in your life, you are not doing yourself (or them) any favors by sticking around. MOVE ON!
   *Additionally, if you are continuously making sacrifices for the sake of the other person, perhaps it’s time to find yourself a more equitable relationship.
   
4. When you stop answering the person’s calls or groan when you see their name in your inbox, it might be time to cut ties. Sometimes a relationship starts to feel heavy. When the thought of a person makes you feel tired and spending time with them puts you in a state of exhaustion, you have a problem. In addition, if you are continually engaging in power struggles that leave you feeling tired and you feel more alive and inspired when you think of your life without a person in it, it’s probably time for a change.
   
5. When you’ve had to change yourself in ways that are not positive or beneficial to be in the relationship it is a clear indication that the relationship is not healthy for you. If the relationship requires that you stay at a superficial level or if your values don’t align, you should not have to try to contort yourself to be in a relationship. This one is very important, probably the most critical. If a relationship inspires you to change in ways that are beneficial, it is likely a positive one, however, if you have to hide things about yourself or behave in a manner that is not true on a consistent basis, the relationship is probably not serving you. If you have different values and can share them in an atmosphere of mutual respect, that’s fantastic, but if you are consistently being required to hide or change yourself or if you cannot express yourself, it’s time to move on.

Saying adios

When letting go of a relationship, it can be helpful to remember that sometimes you have to remove old relationships to make room for new ones. Lots of the things in our lives have expirations dates. Often, we find that we have learned and expanded as much as we can at a job and have to find a new one so that we can continue to have challenge and growth in our careers. In other circumstances, we find that the place we are living becomes too small or too inconvenient for our current needs. Letting go is a fundamental life skill that must be mastered as we move through our years. Letting go often signals progress and expansion, it is something to celebrate and embrace!

Thanks for reading this post. My website it full of blog entries and useful information to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rediscovering-love/201405/when-its-time-let-relationship-go

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13860/20-signs-its-time-to-let-go-move-on.html

Modern Love: Communication Styles of Men and Women

It is often noted that men and women communicate and process emotions differently. If we recognize, appreciate, and embrace differences, it can help us have more satisfying relationships. Let’s break down a few of the key differences in communication styles and look at how understanding them can improve our relationships. It is important to note that there are lots of exceptions to the generalizations below, I am simply attempting to shine a little light onto an issue that can cause conflict in many relationships.

Do male and female brains really process differently?
Perhaps. It is generally accepted that women are better communicators than men, they are better able to recognize emotional cues and are naturally more empathetic, picking up on myriad non-verbal cues from others. Women tend toward compromise and solutions that take into account the feelings of all parties involved. Men, however, are less communicative and more task-oriented. They are not as adept at reading and interpreting non-verbal cues and they tend toward independent problem-solving action when emotions are aroused. This is partly because men process from the problem solving left hemisphere of the brain, while women process equally between both hemispheres. This means men want to solve a problem with a linear series of tasks, while women may combine many approaches at once when problem solving. In women, the sections in the brain which handle language are markedly larger, making verbal communication easier, while the logic or “math” section of the brain is larger in men, making them want to solve problems by taking logical actions. This may be the reason men seem more focused on problem solving while women are considered more emotionally-focused.

How can this information help us communicate better?
Awareness of these differences can help remind us not to get frustrated when someone of the opposite gender doesn’t seem to understand us. It can also enable us to come up with intelligent communication solutions. For example, women can directly express their emotions and desires rather than expecting men to pick up on more subtle non-verbal cues. Men can practice verbally expressing emotions to women, rather than moving directly into problem-solving actions.

What are you thinking?
This is a question so common that it’s become a cliche, often, women become quiet when they are feeling hurt or unhappy. On the other hand, when a man stops talking, it can be an indication that he is in the process of solving a problem. Again we see that men’s brains are wired to direct them to action during times of emotion, whereas, women’s wiring drives them to discuss highly emotional matters. It takes longer for men to physically and chemically regain composure after an emotional event than it does for women which can also help to explain why men may want to take some action right away to help them alleviate increased levels of stress chemicals in the body.

The role of society in gender differences
No matter how similar men and women are, there are still some key differences. These tend to be magnified by the expectations and norms of society. Recognizing this can help us solve conflicts and develop stronger bonds. Cultural ideas of masculinity and femininity have added a layer of difficulty to communication between genders. Modern Western culture tends to allow women to be emotional and sensitive while pressuring men to be strong and unemotional. Generally speaking, men process emotions privately and tend to keep things to themselves for fear of appearing weak, while women are expected to talk about feelings and can freely cry and emote. In reality, everyone can benefit from communicating about problems and talking through conflicts.

Next time you have an emotionally charged exchange with someone of the opposite gender, consider the type of conditioning that they may have received and how they might be processing the situation differently. Remember that we all deal with highly emotional situations in our own way and that sometimes, even our gender can play a role in how we deal with conflict. When you take the time to consider the other’s point of view, you will be well on your way to more effective communication.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/25/how-men-and-women-process_n_6510160.html?ir=Women&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046
http://www.emotionalprocessing.org/Full%20World%20of%20emotions/Emotional%20Processing%20&%20Gender/Emotional%20expression%20in%20men%20&%20women.html
http://www.thehopeline.com/102-why-do-women-handle-emotions-differently-than-men/
http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/psychology_articles/men-women-emotions.html