Finding your brightest future!

Recently a friend asked me what it actually meant be a certified success coach. I figured that if one person was wondering, there were probably several others who also wanted to know. To that end, this month I am dedicating my post to explaining what a certified life and success coach does, and why working with one can be beneficial. 

First of all, though I am a therapist, coaching is not the same thing as therapy. Coaching helps you improve your life, by helping you identify what you want and come up with a plan for getting it.  

You are the expert on your life, but sometimes, having someone who is invested in seeing that you meet your fullest potential can be invaluable. Friends and family are absolutely invested in your life, but have their own agendas, and cannot always support you when and where you need a boost. Partners cannot always see your needs apart from their own. In short, everyone in your life is trying to figure out the same things that you are trying to figure out, and while talking with your partner, family, and friends is important, they cannot always give you the clarity and focus that an unbiased, dedicated coach can give.  When you engage a life coach, you are embarking on a one-on-one relationship with someone who can help you navigate your life for maximum success. A success coach is an advisor, a cheerleader, and at times, a guide, not unlike an athletic coach. Having this type of dedicated resource can help you untangle the most confusing matters and put the most daunting plans into action by providing you with the motivation and accountability necessary to move forward in the toughest of situations. 

You know where you want to go and the job of a success coach is to help develop a roadmap for meeting your targets, keeping you on track along the way so that you can reach your destination and set a course for the next phase of the journey.  Throughout your journey, challenges my come up: losses,  interpersonal conflicts, relationship concerns, and issues of identity and self-esteem. A coach can help you navigate these scenarios and learn the lessons that they have to offer you.  In typical coaching sessions, we discuss goals and aspirations and then develop practical, strategic plans for the achievement of those goals. We also work through the issues that arise so that feelings of self-confidence and self-efficacy are maximized.  

Each challenge is an opportunity to gain greater mastery!

Goal setting is one of the fastest ways to unlock confidence and realize self-efficacy.  What is self-efficacy? In a nutshell, it is the feeling that you can accomplish the goals you set out to achieve, it is the confidence that comes from the experience of achievement.  It is natural to fear some challenges, but healthy self-esteem and a sense of self-efficacy work together to enable you to overcome fears and make important strides toward a fulfilling future. Setting goals and then attaining them gradually builds up your belief that you can do the things you set your mind to. 

Defining success

Not everyone has the same definition of success. Let’s face it, we are all very different and have unique desires, values, and capabilities. Part of being successful is knowing what matters to you, as well as what does not. One of the biggest psychological problems that has developed with the rise of social media has been the accompanying social comparisons that degrade people’s self-esteem. Looking at someone else’s life can be a fun pastime, but comparing yourself to another can be stressful and can seriously damage self-esteem. One way to combat this tendency  and to set yourself on a path to your own success  is to develop a true vision for what success means  to you. A success coach can help you get to the heart of what your own success looks and feels like, making it much easier to identify the opportunities that will help you realize a truly happy life.  Your ideal life is just that, yours. Working with a dedicated coach can help you identify what matters most to you and avoid people and positions that are not aligned with your desires and values. 

Finding your life’s purpose

As you move through your education and career, there will be lots of opportunities to develop new skills and take professional and personal risks. A coach can help you choose the options that are most appropriate for you. As academic and professional careers advance, there will be failures and successes. A coach can help you look more objectively at life's events and see where you can do better and where important lessons have been given. Making mistakes can be painful, but failures also hold the seeds of wisdom. When you fail, you often get closer to success. The key is to step back and see what you can learn from mistakes.  Your coach can help you grow in your career and in your life. 

To me, therapy is kind of like a jigsaw puzzle, gradually, pieces come  together and there are a-ha moments along the way as my clients learn about themselves. I love being able to help facilitate that awareness. 

Are you a university student or young professional struggling to find the right direction? Are you looking for career support?

I work primarily with college students and young professionals and would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you.  Helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion. I am also available for insight-oriented, supportive therapy. 

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

Making Their Way: Unique challenges of being a Millennial

When you see the numbers, you may wonder what is happening with Generation Y.

•    Millennials make up about a quarter of the U.S. population

•    37% of millennials are unemployed

•    Approximately 1/3 of millennials still live with parents

•    In 2013, only 30 % of young people (ages 20-34) were married, (compared to 77%  in 1960)

Accusations of perpetual childhood and Peter Pan syndrome in millennial culture abound, but are choices like is staying at home with parents and not getting married really choices, or has culture shifted so much that young people don’t know how to navigate it and make their way into adulthood? Author Jeffrey Arnett describes the extended adolescence of what he calls “emerging adults” and suggests that young folks today may have more time and space to develop into good humans with strong foundations as a result of this extension of childhood. Additionally, many suggest that time for exploration before settling down and getting married may lead to more stable relationships, not less. These optimistic takes are far fewer than the criticisms of Gen Y. Many recent articles on the subject complain about inflated self-opinions which are the natural result of a culture of political correctness where everyone wins, with or without merit;  and the whole generation’s constant desire for praise and reward without commensurate skill. They also note the self-obsession that is the natural result of social media and reality TV culture. The one thing no one argues about is the fact that millennials are definitely behaving differently than previous generations.

What a difference

A recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center looked at millennial behavior and demonstrated that for the first time in over a century, young people (ages 18-34) are living with parents more frequently than in any other type of living arrangement.  With a third (32.1%) of young folks remaining in their parents’ homes, rather than living alone, with a romantic partner, with a friend or non-parent family member, or in a college dorm; it is natural to wonder what has led to the shift. Some researchers attribute these new trends to the fact that fewer young people are settling down romantically. It is noted that young men are more likely than young women to be living in the home of a family member while women are more likely to be the head of a household because they tend more frequently to be single parents.

The study suggested that a few different factors contributed to the change, namely (and not surprisingly); marital status, education, and employment. Researchers  place most weight on the fact that many young people in the U.S. are making the choice not to settle down with a romantic partner and this postponement, and sometimes complete retreat from marriage, removes some of the impetus to leave the nest. In fact, in the last decade, the median age for first marriage has steadily increased, with one in four never marrying at all, leaving many wondering if there is something wrong with the entire generation. We fail to ask, time and time again, why don’t these young people want to settle down? What is the root cause of the decline in independent living and failure to marry?

Products of a rotten economy?

Fox News’ Dr. Keith Ablow is quick to attributes these trends to a weak economy and overall lack of employment opportunities for millennials. He also makes  some rather harsh criticisms. It is an absolute fact that employment trends have contributed to the changes in millennial lifestyles and to blame it completely on marriage is to miss a big piece of the puzzle. The Great Recession stopped many young people in their tracks, making things harder than they have been for previous generations and instilling many with the fear that there was no place in the working world for them. While some have been discouraged to the point of depression, this has served to make many young people resourceful and nimble.  Ablow describes dispirited youth with squandered potential,  depressed, anxious, and high on legal drugs, seeking desperately to get free from the tyranny of continually coddling parents. He goes on tirades about Tinder culture, and young folks hooking up rather than having meaningful, long-term relationships. Fortunately, the reality is a more complicated and interesting than that. Millennials are making different choices, but they are, in fact, making choices.

Setbacks lead to a new worldview

The findings of the Pew study may seem discouraging to many older Americans who can’t understand why so many young folks are falling behind.  The conversation typically circles around to larger cultural criticisms; talk of an entire generation ruined by too many frivolous participation awards and pointless kindergarten graduation ceremonies, and genuine achievement being watered down by a culture by handing out a steady stream of awards and accolades for next-to-nothing. There are also the inevitable complaints about laziness, video games, and substance use.  Still, it’s important to note that this generation has also faced instability and change, significantly different from that of previous generations. As with nearly every issue facing us today, there are multiple contributing factors – the Great Recession being a big one and the cultural shift that taught young people that every tiny achievement was worthy of accolades is another.  At the core of the litany of complaints from other generations is that this group can’t seem to let go of childhood. Maybe that is true. But in some ways, not jumping into things one isn’t ready for may be a maturity older generations never go the luxury of exploring. The truth is that there is no conclusion to this conversation. This generation of emerging adults if figuring it out as they go, just like every other generation before has had to do.

From a paper about Millennials published for the White House by the Council of Economic Advisors in October 2014

“…while there are substantial challenges to meet, no generation has been better equipped to overcome them than Millennials. They are skilled with technology, determined, diverse, and more educated than any previous generation. Millennials are still in the early stages of joining and participating in the labor market. Taking steps to help them access and complete college, manage their student debt, have better opportunities for training and connection to jobs, access the credit they need for a home, protect the network neutrality that is the basis for much of their technological activity, as well as general policies to strengthen investment, job creation and wage growth, all have the potential to have a lasting impact for this generation and thus for U.S. economic performance for decades to come.”

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to further discuss the unique challenges facing Millennials. I am a Psychotherapist available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges and transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

www.EileenWynnePhd.com

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2016/05/24/for-first-time-in-modern-era-living-with-parents-edges-out-other-living-arrangements-for-18-to-34-year-olds/

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2016/05/26/nation-peter-pans-have-created-country-filled-with-perpetual-children.html

http://nypost.com/2016/03/21/millennials-need-to-put-away-the-juice-boxes-and-grow-up/

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/11/yes-20-somethings-are-taking-longer-to-grow-up-but-why/265750/

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/30/we-millennials-lack-a-roadmap-to-adulthood

https://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/docs/millennials_report.pdf

How to Cope with Ghosting

Ghosting has made headlines lately. It is a relatively new term for what some consider to be a 21st century dating problem. An informal survey of friends will generate myriad tales of being ghosted, and the ensuing confusion and emotional fallout. 

What is ghosting? Also termed the “slow fade”, ghosting is the phenomenon by which one person ends a dating relationship by simply disappearing. They don’t explain what went wrong, they don’t tell the other person that the relationship has ended. They simply stop communicating. So who is ghosting? An October 2014 poll conducted by YouGov and The Huffington Post demonstrated that 11% of adult Americans have ghosted.

In truth, this phenomenon is not a new one. People have been ghosted for ages. Ghosting is painful and confusing for the person on the receiving end. It can cause all kinds of problems for the ghosted party including esteem issues and self doubt. It can even lead to depression.

We live in the era of online dating where potential partners can seem limitless and disposable. With the seemingly endless options, dropping one opportunity to pursue another can seem commonplace. Taking the time to end one situation before beginning another, just a formality. Except it isn’t just a formality. Showing basic respect to others is key to having a functional society.

Why Ghosting is Harmful to Both Parties

What is wrong with ghosting? For the victim of ghosting, there is the uncertainty. When someone you have been on a few dates with and seem to be getting along with suddenly stops communicating without explanation, there are all kinds of things that happen. You wonder if they have been hurt. You wonder if they have gone on vacation. You assume something reasonable has occurred, at first. This prolongs the time you are “in” the relationship and respectively the time it takes you to heal from it. When you are unaware that the relationship has ended, you are not free to grieve or deal with the aftermath, in fact, you are not aware that there is anything to deal with. Ultimately,  you can’t move on. The next phase for the ghosting victim is self doubt. You wonder what you did wrong. You wonder what happened. This can be painful. When you don’t know why someone discontinued a relationship, all of your worst insecurities can rise to the surface causing issues of self esteem.

For the person who disappears, the ghoster, if you will, the key problem is that they fail to accept responsibility and grow emotionally. Relationships are challenging and ending relationships even more so. Still, learning how to respectfully discontinue a romance is something adults are required to do. Failure to accept emotional responsibility for ending a relationship you have voluntarily undertaken is immature and can be detrimental to overall emotional growth. Though ghosting happens at all ages, this is particularly true for emerging adults who are coming into their own and accepting all kinds now new responsibilities, avoidance in this core area of development can have lasting effects.

How to Cope with Ghosting

While this phenomenon seems to be becoming more socially permissible, when in actuality, it is unacceptable. So, how do you get over being ghosted? First of all, commit to not ghosting yourself. Popular wisdom states that the only thing you really have any control over is yourself, and that is definitely true when it comes to ghosting. As a young adult in a world where the online dating options are seemingly limitless and expectations are fairly low, make a commitment to being respectful, honest, and mature. Telling someone who seems pretty into you that you are just not interested is never going to be easy, but it is courteous and ultimately beneficial to both of you. Every adult needs to learn how to handle difficult communication, it is a critical part of being an effective communicator. Next, when you have been ghosted, try to focus on the fact that you’ve been lucky to get out early. A person who thinks that falling off the face of the earth with no word about why, it probably not a person you could have had a strong and lasting relationship with. Count your blessings. Finally, after any kind of rejection, it is important to focus on boosting your own self esteem back up. Do things you love and that make you feel good about yourself. Spend time with trusted friends. Take care of yourself. Ghosting is extremely unpleasant and chances are you or someone you love will have this experience. Focusing on the fact that it probably says more about the disappearing party than is does about you, is a good way to move forward. 

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/30/ghosting-dating-_n_6028958.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/26/fashion/exes-explain-ghosting-the-ultimate-silent-treatment.html?_r=0

http://elitedaily.com/dating/ghosting-impacts-dating/1027661/

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/ghosting

Moving in Together: What to consider before living with with your sweetheart

You have been dating awhile, you have met one another’s friends and families. You are exclusive and spend a lot of time at one another’s places. You think you are ready to take the next big step: cohabitation. There are lots of considerations you’ll want to understand before taking the leap. The planning and coordination involved in this first stage of the cohabitation process can be stressful, but it can also be a lot of fun. How well you work together as you search for a place, decide what to keep in your place together, and how to discuss money matter, will be a great indicator of how well matched you are for one another.

Practical Matters

You will have to discuss the logistics of living together way ahead of moving in. This first stage will be a strong indicator of how well you will communicate as you move forward. You will need to talk through all of the logistical factors of your new life together and come to mutually satisfying agreements. 

For starters, where will you live? What size apartment do you want? What part of town is best for you? There are many factors to consider when deciding where to live. 

What will you keep and what will you get rid of? You will need to work together to plan and evaluate the value of common items like furniture and electronics. You may decide to sell some things, give some to friends, donate some, and get rid of others. This is normal when you make a move, but the considerations will be more intense because you and your partner will be evaluating one another’s possessions as well as your own. 

How much can you afford to pay for rent? This may be the most challenging part of cohabitation. If you have never had to discuss money matters with a partner, this new territory may be a little intimidating. If you are going to live with your sweetheart, you will have to get used to less financial privacy. You will be responsible for whatever the two of you agree to and and accountable to your partner. This can cause tension, but if you remember to communicate, you will move through it.

How will bills be divvied up? If you make roughly the same amount of money, you may choose to split bills 50/50. If one of you makes more you may choose some other division. Whatever the case, this is definitely something you should be prepared for ahead of time. If you partner loves cable, but you are too busy for television, perhaps, they can handle that cost. Think it through so you have a good idea of how much you will need each month.

Who will do the chores? Do you hate to vacuum while your partner hates laundry? Excellent! Then you can do laundry and they can vacuum, provided that you can both agree. This seems minor, but it can cause a lot of conflict between people who live together, be it roommates or romantic partners. Try to have this chat while you are still in the planning stages of your move so that you both know where the other stands. 

Tips for romantic roommies

As with everything else in life that involves other people: communication is key! If you have fears or concerns talk about them in an open and honest manner. If you feel that you cannot talk, try to write them down. Find a way to share your feelings with your partner. Establishing great communication early on can make your relationship one that lasts for years to come. Along the way, make sure to check in with yourself and trust your gut. If you start to feel like maybe you have jumped in too soon and are not quite ready, pay attention to that inner wisdom. Once you have signed a lease together, it will be much harder to change your mind. Here are some quick tips for keeping communication on the up-and-up.

• Don’t let it fester! If you have something to talk about, don’t put it off until it becomes a big problem. Talk about things that are on your mind often so that you don’t have great big explosions of pent up frustration. 
• Plan to compromise. You are sharing your life with someone when you decide to live with them. That means you no longer get to do everything just the way you like to do it. You are going to have a compromise a good deal to have a harmonious relationship. Watch that your compromises are not too big and that you are not giving up things that are truly important to you. You should also make sure that both partners are compromising about the same amount. 
• Set ground rules. Make sure you both know what is and is not acceptable. For example, if you sweetheart is going to come up short for rent, make sure you have defined some rules about how far in advance you need to know this information. Decide who will do which chores and who will pay which bills. Think about how it will work if one of you wants to let people sleep over or have a party. Try to consider as many sensitive scenarios as you can ahead of time so that you both know where the other stands ahead of time. 
• Give each other space. Once you move in together, it is going to be harder to find quiet time. Make sure you each have a little nook in your place together where you can concentrate and work. It is also a great idea to carve out independent activities each week. A meditation class that you attend alone, a night out with friends for your partner. Be sure to find time to do things you love even if your sweetheart isn’t into them. You may feel like you have to include them in everything, but that isn’t the case. It is important for both of you to have some independent activities. 

Finally, the good stuff

After you get through the complicated part of moving in together, you can enjoy some of the benefits. As you get your place set up and the dust starts to settle, you will find that there are some great things about cohabitation. Living with your sweetheart means you will have a consistent source of emotional support. You will also enjoy the financial support of sharing responsibilities like rent, bills, and buying groceries. Finally, living with the one you love means that you will have far more opportunities to share quality time together. It can be one of the best experiences if you take the time to plan and communicate.

References:

https://www.moveline.com/couples

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/6-questions-to-ask-before-moving-in-with-your-partner_b_7302798.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/11/tips-on-living-together_n_6122426.html

http://www.usnews.com/education/articles/2010/08/13/5-tips-to-getting-along-with-your-roommate

Let it Go! Knowing When to End a Relationship

As you move through your lives, you will inevitably grow and change. Often, as you make big, positive changes,  you begin to see that some of the ways that you have been doing things have not been serving you very well. When this type of shift occurs, you will find that some of the people in your world no longer share the same values as you do or support you in ways that are meaningful. Sometimes you just know that you need to break free from a relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic partnership, but feel reluctant to hurt the other person. This is a challenging situation for anyone, and one that deserves deep consideration. 

Should I stay or should I go?

When you reach the make-or-break point, it’s important to do a thorough analysis of the relationship to see if it is one that can be salvaged or one that you should sever yourself from.

Below are five signs that a relationship may be ready for release:

1. When little things start to cause you to feel irritation and even resentment towards a person, it is a sign that the warmth and goodwill in your relationship may have run its course. You used to be mildly annoyed when your friend seemed competitive, now it makes you feel irate. An old friend seems to make all the wrong choices all the time and you cannot bear to watch the disasters unfold any longer.  Your sweetheart always forgets to bring his wallet when you go out or does the same old things that irritate you in spite of numerous reminders. When things that were once minor annoyances start to drive you mad, you may be heading for a split.
   
2. When all of your effort to make needed change fails to bring the change about. You’ve talked until you’re blue in the face, you’ve gone to counseling, you’ve tried to make new rules and stop doing the things that annoy one another, but all the effort seems to fall flat. When you try everything to make a relationship better and it still seems to be falling apart, or if you cannot break negative patterns and change the relationship in spite of your best effort, it may be a sign that you’d be better off without it.
   
3. If your relationship is keeping you from growth and expansion, it is probably time to let it go. There is always compromise in relationships, which is healthy and promotes the higher good of both parties, but there are also situations where one person holds another back. Regardless of whether they mean to or not, if your loved ones are keeping you from achieving your highest good and expressing all the great things you have to express in your life, you are not doing yourself (or them) any favors by sticking around. MOVE ON!
   *Additionally, if you are continuously making sacrifices for the sake of the other person, perhaps it’s time to find yourself a more equitable relationship.
   
4. When you stop answering the person’s calls or groan when you see their name in your inbox, it might be time to cut ties. Sometimes a relationship starts to feel heavy. When the thought of a person makes you feel tired and spending time with them puts you in a state of exhaustion, you have a problem. In addition, if you are continually engaging in power struggles that leave you feeling tired and you feel more alive and inspired when you think of your life without a person in it, it’s probably time for a change.
   
5. When you’ve had to change yourself in ways that are not positive or beneficial to be in the relationship it is a clear indication that the relationship is not healthy for you. If the relationship requires that you stay at a superficial level or if your values don’t align, you should not have to try to contort yourself to be in a relationship. This one is very important, probably the most critical. If a relationship inspires you to change in ways that are beneficial, it is likely a positive one, however, if you have to hide things about yourself or behave in a manner that is not true on a consistent basis, the relationship is probably not serving you. If you have different values and can share them in an atmosphere of mutual respect, that’s fantastic, but if you are consistently being required to hide or change yourself or if you cannot express yourself, it’s time to move on.

Saying adios

When letting go of a relationship, it can be helpful to remember that sometimes you have to remove old relationships to make room for new ones. Lots of the things in our lives have expirations dates. Often, we find that we have learned and expanded as much as we can at a job and have to find a new one so that we can continue to have challenge and growth in our careers. In other circumstances, we find that the place we are living becomes too small or too inconvenient for our current needs. Letting go is a fundamental life skill that must be mastered as we move through our years. Letting go often signals progress and expansion, it is something to celebrate and embrace!

Thanks for reading this post. My website it full of blog entries and useful information to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rediscovering-love/201405/when-its-time-let-relationship-go

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13860/20-signs-its-time-to-let-go-move-on.html