How to Cope with Ghosting

Ghosting has made headlines lately. It is a relatively new term for what some consider to be a 21st century dating problem. An informal survey of friends will generate myriad tales of being ghosted, and the ensuing confusion and emotional fallout. 

What is ghosting? Also termed the “slow fade”, ghosting is the phenomenon by which one person ends a dating relationship by simply disappearing. They don’t explain what went wrong, they don’t tell the other person that the relationship has ended. They simply stop communicating. So who is ghosting? An October 2014 poll conducted by YouGov and The Huffington Post demonstrated that 11% of adult Americans have ghosted.

In truth, this phenomenon is not a new one. People have been ghosted for ages. Ghosting is painful and confusing for the person on the receiving end. It can cause all kinds of problems for the ghosted party including esteem issues and self doubt. It can even lead to depression.

We live in the era of online dating where potential partners can seem limitless and disposable. With the seemingly endless options, dropping one opportunity to pursue another can seem commonplace. Taking the time to end one situation before beginning another, just a formality. Except it isn’t just a formality. Showing basic respect to others is key to having a functional society.

Why Ghosting is Harmful to Both Parties

What is wrong with ghosting? For the victim of ghosting, there is the uncertainty. When someone you have been on a few dates with and seem to be getting along with suddenly stops communicating without explanation, there are all kinds of things that happen. You wonder if they have been hurt. You wonder if they have gone on vacation. You assume something reasonable has occurred, at first. This prolongs the time you are “in” the relationship and respectively the time it takes you to heal from it. When you are unaware that the relationship has ended, you are not free to grieve or deal with the aftermath, in fact, you are not aware that there is anything to deal with. Ultimately,  you can’t move on. The next phase for the ghosting victim is self doubt. You wonder what you did wrong. You wonder what happened. This can be painful. When you don’t know why someone discontinued a relationship, all of your worst insecurities can rise to the surface causing issues of self esteem.

For the person who disappears, the ghoster, if you will, the key problem is that they fail to accept responsibility and grow emotionally. Relationships are challenging and ending relationships even more so. Still, learning how to respectfully discontinue a romance is something adults are required to do. Failure to accept emotional responsibility for ending a relationship you have voluntarily undertaken is immature and can be detrimental to overall emotional growth. Though ghosting happens at all ages, this is particularly true for emerging adults who are coming into their own and accepting all kinds now new responsibilities, avoidance in this core area of development can have lasting effects.

How to Cope with Ghosting

While this phenomenon seems to be becoming more socially permissible, when in actuality, it is unacceptable. So, how do you get over being ghosted? First of all, commit to not ghosting yourself. Popular wisdom states that the only thing you really have any control over is yourself, and that is definitely true when it comes to ghosting. As a young adult in a world where the online dating options are seemingly limitless and expectations are fairly low, make a commitment to being respectful, honest, and mature. Telling someone who seems pretty into you that you are just not interested is never going to be easy, but it is courteous and ultimately beneficial to both of you. Every adult needs to learn how to handle difficult communication, it is a critical part of being an effective communicator. Next, when you have been ghosted, try to focus on the fact that you’ve been lucky to get out early. A person who thinks that falling off the face of the earth with no word about why, it probably not a person you could have had a strong and lasting relationship with. Count your blessings. Finally, after any kind of rejection, it is important to focus on boosting your own self esteem back up. Do things you love and that make you feel good about yourself. Spend time with trusted friends. Take care of yourself. Ghosting is extremely unpleasant and chances are you or someone you love will have this experience. Focusing on the fact that it probably says more about the disappearing party than is does about you, is a good way to move forward. 

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/30/ghosting-dating-_n_6028958.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/26/fashion/exes-explain-ghosting-the-ultimate-silent-treatment.html?_r=0

http://elitedaily.com/dating/ghosting-impacts-dating/1027661/

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/ghosting

Moving in Together: What to consider before living with with your sweetheart

You have been dating awhile, you have met one another’s friends and families. You are exclusive and spend a lot of time at one another’s places. You think you are ready to take the next big step: cohabitation. There are lots of considerations you’ll want to understand before taking the leap. The planning and coordination involved in this first stage of the cohabitation process can be stressful, but it can also be a lot of fun. How well you work together as you search for a place, decide what to keep in your place together, and how to discuss money matter, will be a great indicator of how well matched you are for one another.

Practical Matters

You will have to discuss the logistics of living together way ahead of moving in. This first stage will be a strong indicator of how well you will communicate as you move forward. You will need to talk through all of the logistical factors of your new life together and come to mutually satisfying agreements. 

For starters, where will you live? What size apartment do you want? What part of town is best for you? There are many factors to consider when deciding where to live. 

What will you keep and what will you get rid of? You will need to work together to plan and evaluate the value of common items like furniture and electronics. You may decide to sell some things, give some to friends, donate some, and get rid of others. This is normal when you make a move, but the considerations will be more intense because you and your partner will be evaluating one another’s possessions as well as your own. 

How much can you afford to pay for rent? This may be the most challenging part of cohabitation. If you have never had to discuss money matters with a partner, this new territory may be a little intimidating. If you are going to live with your sweetheart, you will have to get used to less financial privacy. You will be responsible for whatever the two of you agree to and and accountable to your partner. This can cause tension, but if you remember to communicate, you will move through it.

How will bills be divvied up? If you make roughly the same amount of money, you may choose to split bills 50/50. If one of you makes more you may choose some other division. Whatever the case, this is definitely something you should be prepared for ahead of time. If you partner loves cable, but you are too busy for television, perhaps, they can handle that cost. Think it through so you have a good idea of how much you will need each month.

Who will do the chores? Do you hate to vacuum while your partner hates laundry? Excellent! Then you can do laundry and they can vacuum, provided that you can both agree. This seems minor, but it can cause a lot of conflict between people who live together, be it roommates or romantic partners. Try to have this chat while you are still in the planning stages of your move so that you both know where the other stands. 

Tips for romantic roommies

As with everything else in life that involves other people: communication is key! If you have fears or concerns talk about them in an open and honest manner. If you feel that you cannot talk, try to write them down. Find a way to share your feelings with your partner. Establishing great communication early on can make your relationship one that lasts for years to come. Along the way, make sure to check in with yourself and trust your gut. If you start to feel like maybe you have jumped in too soon and are not quite ready, pay attention to that inner wisdom. Once you have signed a lease together, it will be much harder to change your mind. Here are some quick tips for keeping communication on the up-and-up.

• Don’t let it fester! If you have something to talk about, don’t put it off until it becomes a big problem. Talk about things that are on your mind often so that you don’t have great big explosions of pent up frustration. 
• Plan to compromise. You are sharing your life with someone when you decide to live with them. That means you no longer get to do everything just the way you like to do it. You are going to have a compromise a good deal to have a harmonious relationship. Watch that your compromises are not too big and that you are not giving up things that are truly important to you. You should also make sure that both partners are compromising about the same amount. 
• Set ground rules. Make sure you both know what is and is not acceptable. For example, if you sweetheart is going to come up short for rent, make sure you have defined some rules about how far in advance you need to know this information. Decide who will do which chores and who will pay which bills. Think about how it will work if one of you wants to let people sleep over or have a party. Try to consider as many sensitive scenarios as you can ahead of time so that you both know where the other stands ahead of time. 
• Give each other space. Once you move in together, it is going to be harder to find quiet time. Make sure you each have a little nook in your place together where you can concentrate and work. It is also a great idea to carve out independent activities each week. A meditation class that you attend alone, a night out with friends for your partner. Be sure to find time to do things you love even if your sweetheart isn’t into them. You may feel like you have to include them in everything, but that isn’t the case. It is important for both of you to have some independent activities. 

Finally, the good stuff

After you get through the complicated part of moving in together, you can enjoy some of the benefits. As you get your place set up and the dust starts to settle, you will find that there are some great things about cohabitation. Living with your sweetheart means you will have a consistent source of emotional support. You will also enjoy the financial support of sharing responsibilities like rent, bills, and buying groceries. Finally, living with the one you love means that you will have far more opportunities to share quality time together. It can be one of the best experiences if you take the time to plan and communicate.

References:

https://www.moveline.com/couples

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/6-questions-to-ask-before-moving-in-with-your-partner_b_7302798.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/11/tips-on-living-together_n_6122426.html

http://www.usnews.com/education/articles/2010/08/13/5-tips-to-getting-along-with-your-roommate