Soft Skills: Emotional intelligence and success

What is Emotional Intelligence?

In 1990, scientists John D. Mayer and Peter Salovey came up with the concept of emotional intelligence. The term described a form of social intelligence that included the ability to:

• Monitor one's emotions and those of others,
• discriminate between these emotions and feelings, and, 
• to use this understanding to guide one's behavior. 

Simply put, emotional intelligence is a person's ability to identify, understand, and monitor their emotions and those of the people around them. Emotional intelligence differs from cognitive intelligence, which is more intellectual and includes understanding information and solving problems. Emotional intelligence is interpersonal; it plays a big role in the development of one's people skills. 

Why is it important?

Emotional intelligence can be a critical determining factor in social functioning. In some ways, it is much more important than cognitive intelligence to overall success.  Understanding other people and how they feel can give you a strong advantage both professionally and personally. It is much easier to communicate to a person in a way that they understand, to motivate people, and to stimulate teamwork if you know where people are coming from.  There are some different ways that emotional intelligence is expressed. Below are a few excellent examples of emotional intelligence in action.  

Empathy

Sometimes called the cornerstone of emotional intelligence, empathy, and emotional intelligence go hand in hand. Empathy is a key behavior demonstrating emotional intelligence. Empathy can be understood as the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand how it feels to experience the world from their point of view. It leads to better communication because when you understand how someone else feels, you can better explain things to them in a way that is meaningful and memorable. This understanding of others, in turn, increases trustworthiness.

Self-Awareness

As one moves into adult life, self-awareness becomes critical for high-level functioning. Self-awareness includes having a true understanding of one's emotional motivations, desires, and goals. Another part of Self-awareness is awareness of your strengths and weaknesses; this enables you to make academic and career choices that will benefit you by enabling you to build up skills you lack and fully develop those that come more easily to you. Self-awareness also includes your self-esteem and confidence. It is important to know where you feel confident and where your self-esteem could use a boost.  Self-Awareness ultimately leads to self-management, emotional regulation, and an appropriate overall understanding of the self about the greater world. 

Effective Teamwork 

Emotional intelligence is key to success in the workplace. Nearly all top performers have mastered emotional intelligence. This means that they understand their motivations, strengths, and goals AND that they also understand what motivates others. When team members feel understood and respected,  there will naturally be trust, and that leads to much more effective collaboration and teamwork. This aspect of emotional intelligence is important as we move through our careers. Understanding people and recognizing the subtle clues that emotional intelligence illuminates can make all the difference in the opportunities one os given. Additionally, if there are interpersonal challenges in the workplace, the empathy, and self-awareness that come as a result of emotional intelligence lead to more effective conflict management.

Developing emotional intelligence

As is evidenced above, emotional intelligence is an asset as one moves into more social, team, and career situations. Having a better understanding of other people can be useful throughout one's academic life and as one moves onto their career path. So how can you increase your emotional intelligence skills?

• One of the easiest ways to increase emotional intelligence is to be begin noticing nonverbal communication. Observe the people around you and start to note whether you can tell what their mood is based on how they stand or walk, their facial expressions, and their gestures. You will be amazed by how much you can tell just by watching people.
  
• Another way to improve your emotional intelligence is to pay attention to your responses to various situations. Rather than reacting, try to experience the feelings and emotions you have about certain events and then choose a proactive approach to dealing with situations that bring up strong emotions. Learning to observe your patterns in a non-reactive manner can help you become more self-aware and improve your self-management.
  
• A great way to boost your emotional intelligence is to learn techniques for managing your stress. When you are in control of your emotions, you are better equipped to pay attention to all the subtle social cues in your environment. You can also help the people around you manage their stress better when you approach things with a cool head. This can be challenging at first, but after you find some strategies that help you manage stress, you will be able to deal with well with any pressures that come along.
  
• Be honest and kind. A very powerful way to increase your trustworthiness is to be honest in a kind and constructive way. This does not mean to say whatever is on your mind; empathy will enable you to gauge how you can communicate in a manner that is forthright and also helpful. Learning to say things that are difficult is one of the fastest ways to gain trust and respect. It can be hard at first, but by practicing you can make this part of your approach to dealing with others. 
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Formerly on staff at the Tulane Student & Health Center of Psychiatry, helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion. I am a professional psychotherapist and I specialize in academic, success, and life coaching. I work primarily with college students and young professionals. I would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you.  

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

Finding your brightest future!

Recently a friend asked me what it actually meant be a certified success coach. I figured that if one person was wondering, there were probably several others who also wanted to know. To that end, this month I am dedicating my post to explaining what a certified life and success coach does, and why working with one can be beneficial. 

First of all, though I am a therapist, coaching is not the same thing as therapy. Coaching helps you improve your life, by helping you identify what you want and come up with a plan for getting it.  

You are the expert on your life, but sometimes, having someone who is invested in seeing that you meet your fullest potential can be invaluable. Friends and family are absolutely invested in your life, but have their own agendas, and cannot always support you when and where you need a boost. Partners cannot always see your needs apart from their own. In short, everyone in your life is trying to figure out the same things that you are trying to figure out, and while talking with your partner, family, and friends is important, they cannot always give you the clarity and focus that an unbiased, dedicated coach can give.  When you engage a life coach, you are embarking on a one-on-one relationship with someone who can help you navigate your life for maximum success. A success coach is an advisor, a cheerleader, and at times, a guide, not unlike an athletic coach. Having this type of dedicated resource can help you untangle the most confusing matters and put the most daunting plans into action by providing you with the motivation and accountability necessary to move forward in the toughest of situations. 

You know where you want to go and the job of a success coach is to help develop a roadmap for meeting your targets, keeping you on track along the way so that you can reach your destination and set a course for the next phase of the journey.  Throughout your journey, challenges my come up: losses,  interpersonal conflicts, relationship concerns, and issues of identity and self-esteem. A coach can help you navigate these scenarios and learn the lessons that they have to offer you.  In typical coaching sessions, we discuss goals and aspirations and then develop practical, strategic plans for the achievement of those goals. We also work through the issues that arise so that feelings of self-confidence and self-efficacy are maximized.  

Each challenge is an opportunity to gain greater mastery!

Goal setting is one of the fastest ways to unlock confidence and realize self-efficacy.  What is self-efficacy? In a nutshell, it is the feeling that you can accomplish the goals you set out to achieve, it is the confidence that comes from the experience of achievement.  It is natural to fear some challenges, but healthy self-esteem and a sense of self-efficacy work together to enable you to overcome fears and make important strides toward a fulfilling future. Setting goals and then attaining them gradually builds up your belief that you can do the things you set your mind to. 

Defining success

Not everyone has the same definition of success. Let’s face it, we are all very different and have unique desires, values, and capabilities. Part of being successful is knowing what matters to you, as well as what does not. One of the biggest psychological problems that has developed with the rise of social media has been the accompanying social comparisons that degrade people’s self-esteem. Looking at someone else’s life can be a fun pastime, but comparing yourself to another can be stressful and can seriously damage self-esteem. One way to combat this tendency  and to set yourself on a path to your own success  is to develop a true vision for what success means  to you. A success coach can help you get to the heart of what your own success looks and feels like, making it much easier to identify the opportunities that will help you realize a truly happy life.  Your ideal life is just that, yours. Working with a dedicated coach can help you identify what matters most to you and avoid people and positions that are not aligned with your desires and values. 

Finding your life’s purpose

As you move through your education and career, there will be lots of opportunities to develop new skills and take professional and personal risks. A coach can help you choose the options that are most appropriate for you. As academic and professional careers advance, there will be failures and successes. A coach can help you look more objectively at life's events and see where you can do better and where important lessons have been given. Making mistakes can be painful, but failures also hold the seeds of wisdom. When you fail, you often get closer to success. The key is to step back and see what you can learn from mistakes.  Your coach can help you grow in your career and in your life. 

To me, therapy is kind of like a jigsaw puzzle, gradually, pieces come  together and there are a-ha moments along the way as my clients learn about themselves. I love being able to help facilitate that awareness. 

Are you a university student or young professional struggling to find the right direction? Are you looking for career support?

I work primarily with college students and young professionals and would love to put my expertise as a certified success coach to work for you.  Helping emerging adults uncover the best path to success is my passion. I am also available for insight-oriented, supportive therapy. 

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

Making Their Way: Unique challenges of being a Millennial

When you see the numbers, you may wonder what is happening with Generation Y.

•    Millennials make up about a quarter of the U.S. population

•    37% of millennials are unemployed

•    Approximately 1/3 of millennials still live with parents

•    In 2013, only 30 % of young people (ages 20-34) were married, (compared to 77%  in 1960)

Accusations of perpetual childhood and Peter Pan syndrome in millennial culture abound, but are choices like is staying at home with parents and not getting married really choices, or has culture shifted so much that young people don’t know how to navigate it and make their way into adulthood? Author Jeffrey Arnett describes the extended adolescence of what he calls “emerging adults” and suggests that young folks today may have more time and space to develop into good humans with strong foundations as a result of this extension of childhood. Additionally, many suggest that time for exploration before settling down and getting married may lead to more stable relationships, not less. These optimistic takes are far fewer than the criticisms of Gen Y. Many recent articles on the subject complain about inflated self-opinions which are the natural result of a culture of political correctness where everyone wins, with or without merit;  and the whole generation’s constant desire for praise and reward without commensurate skill. They also note the self-obsession that is the natural result of social media and reality TV culture. The one thing no one argues about is the fact that millennials are definitely behaving differently than previous generations.

What a difference

A recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center looked at millennial behavior and demonstrated that for the first time in over a century, young people (ages 18-34) are living with parents more frequently than in any other type of living arrangement.  With a third (32.1%) of young folks remaining in their parents’ homes, rather than living alone, with a romantic partner, with a friend or non-parent family member, or in a college dorm; it is natural to wonder what has led to the shift. Some researchers attribute these new trends to the fact that fewer young people are settling down romantically. It is noted that young men are more likely than young women to be living in the home of a family member while women are more likely to be the head of a household because they tend more frequently to be single parents.

The study suggested that a few different factors contributed to the change, namely (and not surprisingly); marital status, education, and employment. Researchers  place most weight on the fact that many young people in the U.S. are making the choice not to settle down with a romantic partner and this postponement, and sometimes complete retreat from marriage, removes some of the impetus to leave the nest. In fact, in the last decade, the median age for first marriage has steadily increased, with one in four never marrying at all, leaving many wondering if there is something wrong with the entire generation. We fail to ask, time and time again, why don’t these young people want to settle down? What is the root cause of the decline in independent living and failure to marry?

Products of a rotten economy?

Fox News’ Dr. Keith Ablow is quick to attributes these trends to a weak economy and overall lack of employment opportunities for millennials. He also makes  some rather harsh criticisms. It is an absolute fact that employment trends have contributed to the changes in millennial lifestyles and to blame it completely on marriage is to miss a big piece of the puzzle. The Great Recession stopped many young people in their tracks, making things harder than they have been for previous generations and instilling many with the fear that there was no place in the working world for them. While some have been discouraged to the point of depression, this has served to make many young people resourceful and nimble.  Ablow describes dispirited youth with squandered potential,  depressed, anxious, and high on legal drugs, seeking desperately to get free from the tyranny of continually coddling parents. He goes on tirades about Tinder culture, and young folks hooking up rather than having meaningful, long-term relationships. Fortunately, the reality is a more complicated and interesting than that. Millennials are making different choices, but they are, in fact, making choices.

Setbacks lead to a new worldview

The findings of the Pew study may seem discouraging to many older Americans who can’t understand why so many young folks are falling behind.  The conversation typically circles around to larger cultural criticisms; talk of an entire generation ruined by too many frivolous participation awards and pointless kindergarten graduation ceremonies, and genuine achievement being watered down by a culture by handing out a steady stream of awards and accolades for next-to-nothing. There are also the inevitable complaints about laziness, video games, and substance use.  Still, it’s important to note that this generation has also faced instability and change, significantly different from that of previous generations. As with nearly every issue facing us today, there are multiple contributing factors – the Great Recession being a big one and the cultural shift that taught young people that every tiny achievement was worthy of accolades is another.  At the core of the litany of complaints from other generations is that this group can’t seem to let go of childhood. Maybe that is true. But in some ways, not jumping into things one isn’t ready for may be a maturity older generations never go the luxury of exploring. The truth is that there is no conclusion to this conversation. This generation of emerging adults if figuring it out as they go, just like every other generation before has had to do.

From a paper about Millennials published for the White House by the Council of Economic Advisors in October 2014

“…while there are substantial challenges to meet, no generation has been better equipped to overcome them than Millennials. They are skilled with technology, determined, diverse, and more educated than any previous generation. Millennials are still in the early stages of joining and participating in the labor market. Taking steps to help them access and complete college, manage their student debt, have better opportunities for training and connection to jobs, access the credit they need for a home, protect the network neutrality that is the basis for much of their technological activity, as well as general policies to strengthen investment, job creation and wage growth, all have the potential to have a lasting impact for this generation and thus for U.S. economic performance for decades to come.”

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to further discuss the unique challenges facing Millennials. I am a Psychotherapist available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges and transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

www.EileenWynnePhd.com

Sincerely, 

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2016/05/24/for-first-time-in-modern-era-living-with-parents-edges-out-other-living-arrangements-for-18-to-34-year-olds/

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2016/05/26/nation-peter-pans-have-created-country-filled-with-perpetual-children.html

http://nypost.com/2016/03/21/millennials-need-to-put-away-the-juice-boxes-and-grow-up/

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/11/yes-20-somethings-are-taking-longer-to-grow-up-but-why/265750/

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/30/we-millennials-lack-a-roadmap-to-adulthood

https://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/docs/millennials_report.pdf

How to Cope with Ghosting

Ghosting has made headlines lately. It is a relatively new term for what some consider to be a 21st century dating problem. An informal survey of friends will generate myriad tales of being ghosted, and the ensuing confusion and emotional fallout. 

What is ghosting? Also termed the “slow fade”, ghosting is the phenomenon by which one person ends a dating relationship by simply disappearing. They don’t explain what went wrong, they don’t tell the other person that the relationship has ended. They simply stop communicating. So who is ghosting? An October 2014 poll conducted by YouGov and The Huffington Post demonstrated that 11% of adult Americans have ghosted.

In truth, this phenomenon is not a new one. People have been ghosted for ages. Ghosting is painful and confusing for the person on the receiving end. It can cause all kinds of problems for the ghosted party including esteem issues and self doubt. It can even lead to depression.

We live in the era of online dating where potential partners can seem limitless and disposable. With the seemingly endless options, dropping one opportunity to pursue another can seem commonplace. Taking the time to end one situation before beginning another, just a formality. Except it isn’t just a formality. Showing basic respect to others is key to having a functional society.

Why Ghosting is Harmful to Both Parties

What is wrong with ghosting? For the victim of ghosting, there is the uncertainty. When someone you have been on a few dates with and seem to be getting along with suddenly stops communicating without explanation, there are all kinds of things that happen. You wonder if they have been hurt. You wonder if they have gone on vacation. You assume something reasonable has occurred, at first. This prolongs the time you are “in” the relationship and respectively the time it takes you to heal from it. When you are unaware that the relationship has ended, you are not free to grieve or deal with the aftermath, in fact, you are not aware that there is anything to deal with. Ultimately,  you can’t move on. The next phase for the ghosting victim is self doubt. You wonder what you did wrong. You wonder what happened. This can be painful. When you don’t know why someone discontinued a relationship, all of your worst insecurities can rise to the surface causing issues of self esteem.

For the person who disappears, the ghoster, if you will, the key problem is that they fail to accept responsibility and grow emotionally. Relationships are challenging and ending relationships even more so. Still, learning how to respectfully discontinue a romance is something adults are required to do. Failure to accept emotional responsibility for ending a relationship you have voluntarily undertaken is immature and can be detrimental to overall emotional growth. Though ghosting happens at all ages, this is particularly true for emerging adults who are coming into their own and accepting all kinds now new responsibilities, avoidance in this core area of development can have lasting effects.

How to Cope with Ghosting

While this phenomenon seems to be becoming more socially permissible, when in actuality, it is unacceptable. So, how do you get over being ghosted? First of all, commit to not ghosting yourself. Popular wisdom states that the only thing you really have any control over is yourself, and that is definitely true when it comes to ghosting. As a young adult in a world where the online dating options are seemingly limitless and expectations are fairly low, make a commitment to being respectful, honest, and mature. Telling someone who seems pretty into you that you are just not interested is never going to be easy, but it is courteous and ultimately beneficial to both of you. Every adult needs to learn how to handle difficult communication, it is a critical part of being an effective communicator. Next, when you have been ghosted, try to focus on the fact that you’ve been lucky to get out early. A person who thinks that falling off the face of the earth with no word about why, it probably not a person you could have had a strong and lasting relationship with. Count your blessings. Finally, after any kind of rejection, it is important to focus on boosting your own self esteem back up. Do things you love and that make you feel good about yourself. Spend time with trusted friends. Take care of yourself. Ghosting is extremely unpleasant and chances are you or someone you love will have this experience. Focusing on the fact that it probably says more about the disappearing party than is does about you, is a good way to move forward. 

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/30/ghosting-dating-_n_6028958.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/26/fashion/exes-explain-ghosting-the-ultimate-silent-treatment.html?_r=0

http://elitedaily.com/dating/ghosting-impacts-dating/1027661/

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/ghosting