Speak My Language: Effectively Communicating Appreciation

With his own marriage still going strong after over 45 years, a successful career as a marriage counselor, and numerous marriage conferences under his belt, Dr. Gary Chapman’s expertise is pretty clearly demonstrated. He is passionate about helping people strengthen this key relationship in their lives by providing more effective tools for communication. 

Among other resources, you will find his Five Love Languages (described in detail in his book: The Five Love Languages: The Secret  to Love that Lasts), which I will focus on in this post. The idea behind his book, is that identifying and defining the different ways that individuals feel most appreciated and connected, is fundamental to high functioning relationships. If you express love in one way, but your partner understands another mode of communicating, you may be sending signals that are not being received. If, however, you understand how to show your affection and appreciation in a way that is clear to your partner, your communication and your relationship will improve dramatically. If you use a language that is meaningful to your partner, your messages will be received and understood. 

Let’s look at the five “languages” that people commonly use to express intimacy and affection.

Acts of Service

For some people, the way they understand love best is by the kinds of thoughtful gestures their partners do for them. For these communicators, taking out the garbage or packing a lunch will speak volumes more than telling them how you feel. When acts of service is the language your partner understand best, think of the old idiom: actions speak louder than words. They will understand that you love them most clearly when you do things that they can see as caring. Take them out to a favorite restaurant, run their car through the car wash, rent a movie they have been wanting to see. This may be the simplest language, but if you have a partner who “speaks” it, you will need to be thoughtful and observant to be able to communicate effectively. 

Physical Touch

If your partner’s primary love language is physical touch, the fastest way to let them know you care is a hug, taking hold of their hand, or even putting your hand on their shoulder while watching a movie. Touch has a great deal of power to convey emotions. For these communicators, the fastest and most effective way to communicate your feelings is by some kind of physical affection. This does not have to mean over-the-top public displays, it can be as simple as putting your arm around their waist. People who crave physical affection respond well to all kinds of touch and you can let them know how you are feeling about them with the simplest gesture. 

Quality Time

For those whose primary language is quality time, the most effective way to communicate is by giving them your attention. Let your partner or spouse know you care by scheduling a one-on-one dinner or taking an evening walk and discussing the events of the day. For this type of communicator, your undivided attention is pure gold. For quality time communicators, the best way to let them know you appreciate them, is by turning off the television, putting your phone away and focusing on them (not a bad practice for anyone in any type of relationship).

Receiving Gifts

If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, the best way to express your love and devotion, is through small, thoughtful gifts to them. You need not buy them lots of expensive things thoughtful items will serve to express your feelings. Cards, flowers, favorite snacks are all effective tools for communicating your feelings. If they speak the language of receiving gifts, tokens of your affection will send the clearest signal to them. Recognize their accomplishments with small gifts of things they love, pick up a nice bottle of scotch or a box of chocolates and they will feel valued and adored.

Words of Affirmation

This language focuses on speaking your appreciation aloud to your partner, telling them what you observe and value about them. This can be as simple as “thanks for dropping the kids at school today” or “I really am thankful that you helped me take my car to the mechanic this morning.” You may think that your spouse just knows you appreciate these things, but for those for whom this language is most meaningful, your words are the most valuable currency. This language represents a verbal acknowledgement of the things you notice and treasure about your spouse, and for those whose primary language in verbal, it is the best and easiest way to communicate your appreciation and affection. 

If you don’t immediately recognise your own language, will take the quiz. To me, this tool is a win-win, because knowing a little bit more about yourself and your partner can only serve to strengthen the bond. Additionally, Dr. Chapman developed a similar set of languages for the workplace, which can be a very valuable tool for those managing teams. His belief in this methodology does not stop there, he has also written books about the five languages for teens and for children, and even for singles, so if this information is meaningful to you, there are additional resources available.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages

http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html

Modern Love: Communication Styles of Men and Women

It is often noted that men and women communicate and process emotions differently. If we recognize, appreciate, and embrace differences, it can help us have more satisfying relationships. Let’s break down a few of the key differences in communication styles and look at how understanding them can improve our relationships. It is important to note that there are lots of exceptions to the generalizations below, I am simply attempting to shine a little light onto an issue that can cause conflict in many relationships.

Do male and female brains really process differently?
Perhaps. It is generally accepted that women are better communicators than men, they are better able to recognize emotional cues and are naturally more empathetic, picking up on myriad non-verbal cues from others. Women tend toward compromise and solutions that take into account the feelings of all parties involved. Men, however, are less communicative and more task-oriented. They are not as adept at reading and interpreting non-verbal cues and they tend toward independent problem-solving action when emotions are aroused. This is partly because men process from the problem solving left hemisphere of the brain, while women process equally between both hemispheres. This means men want to solve a problem with a linear series of tasks, while women may combine many approaches at once when problem solving. In women, the sections in the brain which handle language are markedly larger, making verbal communication easier, while the logic or “math” section of the brain is larger in men, making them want to solve problems by taking logical actions. This may be the reason men seem more focused on problem solving while women are considered more emotionally-focused.

How can this information help us communicate better?
Awareness of these differences can help remind us not to get frustrated when someone of the opposite gender doesn’t seem to understand us. It can also enable us to come up with intelligent communication solutions. For example, women can directly express their emotions and desires rather than expecting men to pick up on more subtle non-verbal cues. Men can practice verbally expressing emotions to women, rather than moving directly into problem-solving actions.

What are you thinking?
This is a question so common that it’s become a cliche, often, women become quiet when they are feeling hurt or unhappy. On the other hand, when a man stops talking, it can be an indication that he is in the process of solving a problem. Again we see that men’s brains are wired to direct them to action during times of emotion, whereas, women’s wiring drives them to discuss highly emotional matters. It takes longer for men to physically and chemically regain composure after an emotional event than it does for women which can also help to explain why men may want to take some action right away to help them alleviate increased levels of stress chemicals in the body.

The role of society in gender differences
No matter how similar men and women are, there are still some key differences. These tend to be magnified by the expectations and norms of society. Recognizing this can help us solve conflicts and develop stronger bonds. Cultural ideas of masculinity and femininity have added a layer of difficulty to communication between genders. Modern Western culture tends to allow women to be emotional and sensitive while pressuring men to be strong and unemotional. Generally speaking, men process emotions privately and tend to keep things to themselves for fear of appearing weak, while women are expected to talk about feelings and can freely cry and emote. In reality, everyone can benefit from communicating about problems and talking through conflicts.

Next time you have an emotionally charged exchange with someone of the opposite gender, consider the type of conditioning that they may have received and how they might be processing the situation differently. Remember that we all deal with highly emotional situations in our own way and that sometimes, even our gender can play a role in how we deal with conflict. When you take the time to consider the other’s point of view, you will be well on your way to more effective communication.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/25/how-men-and-women-process_n_6510160.html?ir=Women&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046
http://www.emotionalprocessing.org/Full%20World%20of%20emotions/Emotional%20Processing%20&%20Gender/Emotional%20expression%20in%20men%20&%20women.html
http://www.thehopeline.com/102-why-do-women-handle-emotions-differently-than-men/
http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/psychology_articles/men-women-emotions.html