Secrets of a Manufactured Romance

In 1997 psychologist Arthur Aron and a team of colleagues published the results of a study designed to look at interpersonal closeness. In the experiment, the team was successful at making two strangers fall in love. How did he do it you ask? The experiment was quite straightforward. Two heterosexual participants (who were also strangers) entered a lab. One was male, one was female. They were required to sit across from one another and answer a series of 36 personal questions, which started out almost playful, eventually becoming quite penetrating, among them were questions like:

• Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
• What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
• How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
• Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
• Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
• What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

After responding to the series of questions, the participants were required to look silently into one another’s eyes for a period of four minutes. Throughout the experiment, gradually increasing levels of vulnerability created a bond between the participants at an accelerated rate. A kind of deliberate & expedited intimacy was achieved almost immediately as a result of this vulnerability. 

The surprising outcome of the experiment? The two participants fell in love and were married six months later. 

Biological components inclusive of such chemical powerhouses as hormones and pheromones are, of course, requisite elements in the process of falling in love. Nonetheless, the study demonstrates that it is possible to generate strong feelings between individuals, simply by making them communicate with one another on a deeply personal level. That is definitely nothing to scoff at! This study suggests that we can decide to care about others and consequently create the right conditions for trust, intimacy, and vulnerability, setting the stage for friendship and even love. 

The implications are powerful. 

At the mundane level, it’s easy to see that getting to know people around us can help create community and compassion fairly quickly and easily given a bit of effort.  However, if you are looking at the bigger picture, it seems that with very little in common and the right amount of attention and effort, humans are capable of caring for anyone. This optimistic research bodes well for the potential of creating a more peaceful and compassionate society.

If you want to try for yourself, check out the free mobile app, designed by the NY Times in consultation with Arthur Aron (lead author of the study). Visit nytimes.com/36q it will tak about 50 minuted to complete.

References

http://psp.sagepub.com/content/23/4/363.full.pdf+html

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

http://newscenter.berkeley.edu/2015/02/12/love-in-the-lab/

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CCUQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.com%2Felaine-aron-phd%2F36-questions-for-intimacy_b_6472282.html&ei=AkQUVfS9IMO6mAX69YCADA&usg=AFQjCNHk2Eea9YE6LMWPY8YXpLKYRkAXlg&sig2=_jESLX5Na6BorcSDfQObww&bvm=bv.89217033,d.dGY

At Odds: When Friends are Frenemies

Friendships fall into various categories. Each with its own level of significance and impact on your overall level of social and emotional satisfaction. There are close friends and casual acquaintances. But there is another type of friend that you’ve probably encountered, the frenemy. First appearing in print in 1953, this term has become commonplace terminology in popular culture. The word frenemy is a combination of friend and enemy that points to relationships that are affable yet antagonistic. From the pervasiveness of this concept, it seems nearly everyone has had an encounter with one of these chums.

The relationships in your life are probably highly varied, ranging from those people you consider part of your inner circle to old friends who feel almost like family. There are also more casual friends and acquaintances in the periphery. Finally, you have a number of people you know socially, such as activity partners and colleagues. All of these associations bring some kind of value to your life. The frenemy may appear to add value, but in truth, the relationship is often hurtful and even damaging to self esteem. 

Identifying a frenemy

How do you know if you have a frenemy? You have likely had a subtle sense that things are not quite right with this person, no matter how much you like them and enjoy their company, there is a lingering sense that you can’t really trust them. Maybe you have heard that they spread gossip about you behind your back, or when you accomplish something, rather than being happy for you, they express envy. Perhaps it’s the backhanded compliments that come in place of genuine ones. Things like: “that haircut makes your face look so much less chubby!” or “wow, you actually look pretty with make-up on.” A compliment that smarts after it’s been given isn’t really a compliment at all and such statements can be indicative of a hostile friendship. It may be hard to identify your frenemy because there are times when they appear to be on your side, but then, you find that they’ve spoken poorly of you or flirted with your boyfriend. Frenemies are difficult for just this reason. There are qualities you like and enjoy, and others that make you feel awful. 

Another clue that your friend is a frenemy is a competitive attitude toward you or your accomplishments. If your friend is always comparing herself to you and competing with you, she’s could be a frenemy. Real friends tend to celebrate your accomplishments rather than behaving in a competitive manner. Frenemies are not genuinely happy for you and they let you know it. Continued encounters with frenemies can erode your confidence and self esteem. The feeling of competition can make you feel anxious and can even make hanging out with them stressful for you. Frenemies come in many shapes and sizes, chances are, if a friend frequently makes you feel bad using the subtle techniques mentioned above to undermine you, you’ve got a frenemy.

Strategies for dealing with a frenemy

Once you have identified that your friend isn’t really a friend, you will probably want to take some action. First, you may want to run your suspicions by someone you trust. This will help you put the situation into perspective.  Next, you’ll probably want to talk to your frenemy and tell them what you’ve observed. Let them know how gossip, competitiveness, and backhanded compliments make you feel. Your frenemy is probably not aware that these things have hurt you, so be calm and prepared for their surprise and even denial. After you talk, it will be easier to gauge whether the relationship is worth saving. If your frenemy seems genuinely surprised and willing to engage in a dialog about how certain behaviours have made you feel, you may want to continue to be friends. If she reacts with anger and hostility, chances are, she is not ready to acknowledge the unhealthy behaviour and you may need to make a break. Every situation is different. One thing you can count on is that you’ll feel better after sticking up for yourself and your feelings. 

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like help dealing with any of the relationships in your life.  I am available to new clients who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://friendship.about.com/od/Types_of_Friendships/a/Is-She-A-Frenemy.htm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201304/the-3-types-frenemies

Biology of Love: Brain Chemistry and Relationships

Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist who studies love, romance & personality and the chief scientific advisor at Match.com. She has written two books, books Anatomy of Love and Why We Love that look at the biology of who we choose to fall in love with. Recently, her Ted talk and NPR interview have given me some food for thought. I wanted to share some of what I have learned with you.

The biology of attraction & love

There are a number of social, economic, and psychological forces that work together to determine how we choose a mate, but what Fisher researches are the biological factors. In other words, she looks at temperament, traits which are heritable and linked to specific genes, hormones and/or neurotransmitter systems. Many people have wondered, over the centuries, what kind of magical force inspires human love. Biologically speaking, it simply comes down to chemicals. What goes on in the brain when we are in love? There are four primary chemicals that are released: serotonin, dopamine, estrogen, testosterone.  

Chemical personality types that determine romantic preference 

Using website, Chemistry.com (a division of Match.com), Fisher has developed a series of 56 questions called the Fisher Temperament Inventory designed  to collect data from a wide variety of respondents. Using the data collected from millions of individuals (thousands each month),  Fischer has been able to uncover 4 broad personality types based on dominance of these chemicals.  Although the actual chemicals are not measured, Fischer has built a series of questions designed to determine the levels of brain chemicals released in different people. After determining which type respondents are, she observes who individuals of each type choose to partner with. In her research, Fisher identifies 4 types of personality types based on typical neural systems.

Explorers. What Fisher refers to as a dopamine system. There individuals crave novelty and adventure. They are more susceptibility to boredom and tend toward impulsivity. Explorers have high energy and enthusiasm. Explores also tend to lack introspection.

Builders. This systems includes those with a serotonin system. Tendencies include sociability, lower anxiety, and more close friends. Builders tend to be cautious and observe social norms and rules, they also have respect for authority. They express self-control and conscientiousness.

Directors. These individuals have a testosterone system. They are  self confident and assertive. Directors pay acute attention to details and have deep, narrow interests. They also tend to be less socially aware, with poorer emotion recognition. Directors exhibit little eye contact and are less verbally fluent, and they also show less empathy. 

Negotiators. These individuals have an estrogen based system. They tend toward cooperation and holistic and long-term thinking. Negotiators are intuitive, empathetic and agreeable. Generosity and trust are also traits associated with these individuals. 

What is your type? Find out  here.

Want to take one of her love quizzes? Click here.

After identifying the types, Fisher further noted how types choose romantic partners. Basically, what she discovered can be broken down in a few sentences. Explorers like other explorers. Builders like other builders. Directors and Negotiators tend to like their opposites. Less magical, perhaps, than one might hope, but incredibly fascinating information. A final noteworthy bit of Helen Fisher’s research demonstrates that when you suffer heartbreak, the chemicals in your brain actually match the intensity of the chemicals you express when you are in love. The motivation and craving for the object of affection actually grow more active and the intensity greater when you are unable to get what you want. Fisher is likely to continue this research, and there are many other open questions to be answered. For now, the realization that there is a strong chemical component to love might make navigating the murky waters of romance a little clearer. 

If this post interested you, listen to Helen Fisher’s Ted Radio Hour episode: What Happens To Our Brain When We're In Love?

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to further discuss the relationships in your life. I am available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY
http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/Article_%20We%20Have%20Chemistry.pdf

Stop at Nothing: Simple Steps to Setting and Achieving Goals

Did you make a New Year’s resolution? 

Maybe you planned to get more fit, eat healthier, or master a foreign language?  It's now that time of year when well-intentioned New Year's resolutions have either become part of your routine, or distant memories. 

People tend to make resolutions at the beginning of the new year because it feels like a fresh start, a time when we feel that we can begin anew, in other words, a perfect time for a formal expression of our best intentions for the coming year. It makes a lot of sense. If resolutions are such a good thing, then why is it that less than 10% of people who make resolutions actually keep them?

The truth may be that we are just looking at them the wrong way.

Why Goals may be Healthier than Resolutions

A typical resolution, and one so common that it has become a cliche, is spending more time at the gym in the new year. Why does this positive resolution so often fall flat? Because it is not framed in a way that demonstrates the true aspiration of going to the gym. A goal such as: getting in better shape over the coming months, is much easier to incorporate because it directly addresses the benefit to the goal setter. 

While goals direct your focus to where you'd like to be, resolutions often point to shortcomings or negative attributes that need to be changed. Goals help prompt you to meet your potential, while resolutions tend to point to places where you've fallen short. Resolutions also tend to be all or nothing, either you quickly achieve your resolutions, or they are given up entirely. Not so with goals. Because goals are more strategic and tend to be incremental and long-term, you can work toward them in a number of ways, always pushing forward, even when progress is slow. Goals can be smaller daily, weekly, or monthly tasks that move you toward larger scale achievement. Goals are more positive and aspirational and less negative and scolding.

Steps for empowering yourself to achieve your goals. 

Visualize what your life will look and feel like when you have achieved your goals.

If learning a foreign language is your objective, then imagine yourself sitting in another country and speaking the language fluently. Imagine how you will feel when you have accomplished the goal. If your goal is to eat healthier, imagine how you will feel eating healthier food, imagine the added vitality and energy. Visualizing yourself achieving your goals, will help motivate you to take the actions necessary to achieve them.

Write your goals down

Get out a piece of paper and write your goals down. Post the note somewhere highly visible. This will serve as a daily reminder of what you’d like to attain. Being reminded on an ongoing basis will motivate you to work towards your goals. Writing your goals down also helps you clarify them. Finally, having a concrete record of your goal will enable you to celebrate your progress toward the goal and eventually, your successes.

Tell a friend.

Talk about your goals with people you trust who will encourage and support you.

Having someone to check in with will help you see your progress.  Accountability will also help keep you motivated to move forward. Even better than telling a friend, is working with a friend who has a similar goal If, for example, you have a friend with a similar fitness goal, becoming gym buddies will help keep you both on track!

Don’t Wait- Get started now!

Jump in and start moving in the direction of what you’d like to accomplish now! Why wait another day.  Research shows that it takes about 21 days to to establish a new routine, get started today and you will be one step closer to your target!

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like help with your setting achievable goals.  I am available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

Labor of Love: Signs You are in a Great Relationship

In our culture, a lot of attention is focused on the negative aspects of romance, love, and marriage. But today, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to celebrate great relationships and look at what keeps them going and growing. This post is about all the things that make being a part of a committed romantic relationship so rewarding.  

What keeps people together for decades, loving and supporting one another? 
Some of the key components of a healthy, lasting relationship are trust, communication, affection, and commitment. In a healthy relationship, there is play, laughter, and pleasure. There is also respect and support for one another. When people commit to one another and build their lives together, it takes consistent work, but as love and affection grow and bonds get stronger, the rewards of commitment are many.  The stability of a strong relationship can enable individuals to grow in ways they might not have otherwise had the courage to. In great relationships you often find mutual admiration, which prompts them to become better themselves. In fact, in the best relationships, the partner becomes a mirror in which we see ourselves, good and not-so-good, and are inspired to grow emotionally and spiritually as a result.  As young adults transition out of college and into careers, many will likewise move from hooking up and fooling around into more serious, longer term relationships. It is important to know what a great relationship looks like. Let’s look at some of the signs a relationship has what it takes to stand the test of time.

You trust one another.

Trust is a foundational element of healthy relationships. Empathy and compassion for one another enables partners in loving relationships to treat each other as they want to be treated. Trust naturally develops in a relationship where two people treat one another with respect and compassion. In a great relationship you trust your partner in all kinds of different circumstances, knowing that there is loyalty and commitment.

You are invested in one another’s lives and goals.

You know what your partner wants to accomplish and they know what your goals are. You help one another to be more successful. You support one another through difficult times and celebrate one another’s success and achievements.

You work at cultivating effective communication.

If trust is the engine of a good relationship, communication is the fuel that keeps that engine running. Happy couples communicate often and, sharing joys and disappointments alike. They support and console one another when things are challenging and are there for a great big high five when things go well.  

Some indicators of great communication:

• You are willing to listen to your partner’s opinions even while arguing
• You can talk about things that make you feel vulnerable, like fears and anxieties
• You engage in consistently respectful dialogues
• Able to speak openly, freely sharing opinion and feelings and you feel comfortable and heard when expressing feelings
• You listen without criticizing

Together  these elements of good communication lead partners to feel connected and comfortable communicating with one another. They help establish an environment where affection and loyalty can grow.  Communicating through conflict allows relationships to grow stronger.

You have genuine affection for one another.

You enjoy spending time with your partner, you have common activities and interests. You look forward to being together. In great relationships, partners typically have a number of  shared interests as well and many independent activities.

Respect for commitment.

You both value the relationship. You know that nothing in life is certain and that you are fortunate to have one another to share the ups and downs with. You feel gratitude for your partner and the life you have with them.

Relationships can be hard work, but when you do the work, they are incredibly rewarding. By sharing the good days and bad days with someone, you learn more about yourself and become a better person. Trust and communication lead to a connection between people that can provide individuals with the kind of love that enhances life tremendously.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to further discuss the relationships in your life. I am available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eileen Wynne

6 Ways to Care for the Introverts in Your Life

What is an Introvert?

Carl Jung popularized the terms Introvert and Extrovert. Introverts tend to be reserved and solitary, while Extroverts are typically characterized as outgoing and social. These two human personality traits are thought to exist on a single continuum, each representing an opposite end. It is understood that an individual’s levels of introversion and extroversion can fluctuate throughout the span of a lifetime.  

Understanding personality traits can help people determine what type of careers and activities best suit them, and to that end, levels of introversion-extroversion are evaluated on several personality tests, including the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. It is currently believed that extroverts outnumber introverts 3 to 1, so if you are in the extroverted majority, understanding how an introvert thinks and engages with the world may be new to you. The awareness that someone you love is an introvert can help you to realize their needs and understand their tendencies. Below are six ways you can care for the introverts in your life.

Recognize the introverted people in your life.

Recognizing the nature of your friends and family members and making the effort to try to accommodate them is care in the truest sense. Introverts think deeply about things and are likely to be very appreciative when you recognize the things they require to thrive.

Understand that after social exchanges, they will need a recharge.

Social interactions consume a lot of an introvert’s energy. After being in a social setting for a period of time, an introvert will need some quiet, solitary time to recharge. This is especially true for networking exchanges which can be extremely taxing for introverts. An introvert will shut down, feeling completely depleted, if they are not given sufficient time to recharge.

Give them plenty of alone time.

Similar to the time needed to recharge after social interactions, introverts also tend to need more solitary time than extroverts. For an introvert, quiet time or downtime is not boring, it is extremely satisfying and necessary for maintaining a feeling of balance.

Respect their tendency to be a quiet observer.

Introverts tend to be observers and deep thinkers. They will often not share opinions until they have had time to thoroughly think a subject through. Introverts often choose to think now and speak later. Not typically assertive or outspoken, they prefer to watch and listen until they feel that they have something important to contribute to a conversation. 

Shelve the small talk.

Introverts are best in one-on-one interactions where the subject matter is serious and the communication feels sincere. They typically enjoy discussing abstract, philosophical, and theoretical subjects over small talk.  Idle chatter may even cause the introverts in your life to feel stress and anxiety. Introverts prefer deep, thought-provoking conversations to casual chit chat. Additionally, introverts often let phone calls go directly to voicemail because they just don’t have the energy for a conversation.

Realize that what stimulates an extrovert, does not stimulate an introvert.

Parties and mingling with groups of strangers does not energize or stimulate introvert.  In fact, these activities can often overwhelm and exhaust them. Introverted people require a balance of social activity and solitude. And too much social stimulus can leave them feeling depleted.

Recognizing the needs of the ones you love is no small feat. If you are reading this article and it rings true for someone in your life, I hope you now feel better equipped to celebrate and appreciate the different personality traits that make connecting with others so rewarding.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to further discuss personality traits or the relationships in your life. I am available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://psychology.about.com/od/trait-theories-personality/f/introversion.htm

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/extraversion-or-introversion.htm

http://www.livescience.com/37427-extroverts-have-different-brain-processes.html

Super Connected: Does Social Media Make Us Feel More Lonely

With the ever expanding array of social media networks available today, from Twitter and Facebook to Instagram and Snapchat, it would appear that we are connecting in more ways than ever before. The truth is slightly more complicated. It appears that in some ways, social networks can actually make us feel more disconnected from others.

Technology shapes modern lives in a number of important ways. It facilitates rapid communication with people all over the globe, gives us instantaneous access to unfathomable amounts of information, and helps us do our jobs more efficiently. But more and more research is demonstrating that the increasing reliance on technology, and social media in particular, to fill our need for connection with other people is unrealistic. The stylish avatars and the carefully curated versions of our lives displayed on social networks lack the awkwardness and authenticity of real world connections. It appears that exchanges with online personas simply can’t satisfy the need for genuine relationships.

The promise and the reality of social media

Social networks are designed to strengthen relationships and enrich the lives of users by helping them keep in touch with one another. For many older adults who use social media to enhance traditional relationships, this is the case. Those who who use social platforms to supplement existing relationships can even experience positive effects such as better health. But what about younger adults, for whom social media is often a primary means of social interaction? When looking at research done with particular attention paid to millennials, we begin to see that many depend on their social media circles for validation, affirmation, and a feeling of belonging. For many, likes and retweets have taken the place of dialog and eye contact. The problem with this is that is that dependence on social networks and their relatively superficial interactions, appears to be diminishing the capacity of users to connect with others on a biological level. In addition, these superficial interactions provide a fleeting sense of satisfaction, often failing to make a deeply meaningful impact.

Research has demonstrated that as individuals spend more and more time building online networks, the strength and quality of real world social networks diminish in proportion.  In addition, a recent study by University of Michigan psychologist Ethan Kross, actually found an inverse relationship between use of Facebook and happiness. It seems that though continual use of social networks can provide an escape from the challenges of face-to-face exchanges, the downside is that with fewer authentic social interactions, confidence in the ability to successfully conduct such transactions diminishes. Recent studies show that social media users have fewer confidants than people 20 years ago had, which is problematic because when an individual has fewer close confidants, the subsequent social isolation can lead to declining ability to discuss difficult subjects and diminished civil and political participation. This has big implications for society at large.

What is the takeaway?

As our lives become more and more infiltrated by technology and social media, it is important that we stay engaged in meaningful real life relationships, rather than letting social skills atrophy.   It is easy to achieve a certain level of gratification through interactions on social platforms, which can appeal to our vanity and make us feel temporarily more significant, but the reality is that as we substitute these exchanges for meaningful relationships, those relationships start to diminish and eventually disappear. The long-term effects concern more than just the individual, the wellbeing of society is also at risk. As social media becomes more of a focal point in our culture, it is good to be mindful of the reasons we are engaging in this kind of communication and the quality of connections we are hoping to get from digital interactions.  In moderation, social networking makes it easy for us to develop, maintain, and strengthen social connections, it is only when this is the primary way that we are engaging that we may begin to feel dissatisfied, depressed, and disconnected. Finding a healthy balance between genuine, real world relationships and online connections is the best way to enjoy social networks.

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/04/110405132459.htm

http://www.asanet.org/press/20060616.cfm

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/does_technology_cut_us_off_from_other_people

http://www.politisite.com/2014/02/19/social-media-making-us-more-connected-and-more-alone/