See yourself through someone else's eyes

Confiding her fears and doubts about her new internship wasn’t easy for my young friend Sarah. Because she feels like an impostor, she has a strong compulsion to hide her fears. After all, confident people who know what they’re doing aren’t afraid of anything, right? Admitting her insecurities would tip everyone off to her fraud.

Of course we know that’s not true. Self-assured, competent people are plagued by the same fears and doubts as everyone else; they just don’t allow those fears and doubts to halt their growth. They accept mistakes as a part of their development, welcoming errors as an opportunity to begin again more intelligently, as Henry Ford once said.

Confessing her fears was Sarah’s first step towards overcoming the limitations imposed by what psychologists refer to as impostor phenomenon. She bravely faced her fear of judgment and made room for the possibility that maybe what she was feeling could be simultaneously normal and irrational. Normal in the sense that an estimated 70% of the population experience impostorism at least once in their lives; irrational in the sense that her reasoning skills, her ability to accurately judge her own value, has been overcome by baseless self-doubt.

I have a strong suspicion that Sarah was awaiting confirmation that the advertising firm had goofed in their records of interviewees. However, by getting her fears out in the open, she was able to face the fact that maybe she was misjudging her future employers’ competence. After all, they didn’t become successful by haphazard hiring practices. 

It’s old hat now to say that the first step towards solving a problem is admitting you have one, but there’s a reason we’ve clung to the saying. It’s true. By sharing her fears, Sarah was able to begin playing with the possibility that they are unfounded, that the problem that she needs to overcome isn’t a lack of intellect or skill, but a burden of self-doubt, that the only person she’s fooling is herself.

That’s the problem with impostorism. The fact is, you got where you are because of your talents and your skills, your efforts and your perseverance. But impostorism feeds you a line about luck and lies. 

Your GPA isn’t a product of a professor’s generosity. Maybe we should give up that old idiom, “My teacher gave me an A.” In fact, in nearly every case that a student receives a high score on a test, it is the totally predictable result of the student learning the material. 

Your boss didn’t hire you based on false pretenses. You earned a degree. You gained experiences. You built a portfolio. 

You did that. You should be proud. While it’s a necessary part of growth to acknowledge your mistakes and weaknesses, it’s equally important to acknowledge your victories and accomplishments. 

If you’re feeling like a fraud, like you just lucked up when you got that promotion or passed that test, try sharing your fears with someone whose opinion you value. Don’t keep it to yourself. Let others help you see yourself the way that they do. It’s not a cure for the impostor blues, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Eileen Wynne, PhD.

References:

Alexander, J., & Sakulku, J. (2011). The Impostor Phenomenon. International Journal of Behavioral Science, 6, 73-92.

Cokley, K., McClain, S., Enciso, A. and Martinez, M. (2013), An Examination of the Impact of Minority Status Stress and Impostor Feelings on the Mental Health of Diverse Ethnic Minority College Students. Jnl Multicult Counseling & Dev, 41: 82–95. doi: 10.1002/j.2161-1912.2013.00029.x

Weir, K. (2013). Feel like a fraud? GradPsych, 11, 24-27.

The impostor's lament

Are high achievers only
fooling themselves?

“I don’t deserve to be here,” Sarah said, fidgeting with the corner of her blouse. 

A talented student with numerous academic accolades under her belt, Sarah had recently interviewed with a successful advertising firm. Though she still had two more classes to complete, the firm was eager to take her on as a paid intern to prepare her for a job upon her graduation the following semester. 

You might expect that Sarah would be brimming over with joy at the prospect, but instead, she felt that she had somehow conned the firm into offering her the position. This, in turn, caused her to doubt her ability to perform the responsibilities that came with her new role. Rather than experiencing the pride of accomplishment, Sarah was experiencing anxiety.

More specifically, she was feeling the pain of a very common phenomenon known as impostor syndrome. Though impostor syndrome isn’t listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as an official diagnosis, its effects are felt by most people at some point in their lives. 

Think about a time when you experienced success. Now consider the following thoughts. 

• I just got lucky.
• I don’t belong here.
• Once they realize I don’t know what I’m doing, they’ll get rid of me.
• I’m not as smart/talented/skilled as they think I am.
• It won’t be long before they figure out I’m a fraud.

Do any look familiar to you? If so, you’ve felt the painful doubts created by the impostor phenomenon.

The irony of impostor syndrome is that high achievers tend to be the most susceptible to it. I see it often in students who have worked diligently, spending hours in studious labor, and in adults who have excelled at their chosen profession through hard work and high expectations. As we transition into new careers or life experiences, we're particularly vulnerable to these feelings of not belonging, of fraudulence. 

While research has shown women and minorities top the charts for these feelings of “passing themselves off” rather than authentically achieving, the phenomenon can be said to be a natural by-product of a society that puts perhaps too much pressure on its individuals to succeed at all costs. 

In schools and homes, we stress to our children the need to achieve, and it may be that the message is received and processed in ways that we don’t anticipate. It may be that we’re sending our children the message that the love, attention, and respect that they crave must be won through constant showmanship. What a heart-breaking idea.

During the next few weeks, I’d like to talk with you about overcoming some of the habits and mindsets that lead to this sense of being an impostor because I suspect that both you and Sarah have something to offer the world that is not only good enough but is much needed.

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:

Alexander, J., & Sakulku, J. (2011). The Impostor Phenomenon. International Journal of Behavioral Science, 6, 73-92.

Cokley, K., McClain, S., Enciso, A. and Martinez, M. (2013), An Examination of the Impact of Minority Status Stress and Impostor Feelings on the Mental Health of Diverse Ethnic Minority College Students. Jnl Multicult Counseling & Dev, 41: 82–95. doi: 10.1002/j.2161-1912.2013.00029.x

Am I grown up yet?

Am I grown up yet?

This may seem like a funny question to ask. Surely, you must know if you’re grown up, right? Yet I find that’s often the very question that has my patients stumped and stressed out.

In the past, sociologists established pretty hard and fast rules about what makes someone an adult: finishing your education, getting married, having children among them. But do the same rules still apply as our timetables shift ever outward? Many of my young patients must believe they do or they wouldn’t be so worried about where they fall on the scales of adulthood.

It’s a tough road that our emerging adults face. While society has changed rapidly during the past few decades, our expectations have not changed as quickly. Many parents still worry when their children reach thirty and have no spouse or “grownup” job to show for it. Adult children feel the weight of their parents’ stress and wonder if they’ve somehow failed at being a grown up.

Though out-dated assumptions still inform these young adults, the world of possibilities is vastly different than it once was. Technology has created new career opportunities. Changing sexual mores have made alternative relationships more predominant. An ever-shrinking world has broadened their horizons.

Is it any wonder that they’d feel conflicted?

Should I play it safe and follow in my parents’ footsteps? Choose a secure job with benefits now and stick with it through retirement? Or should I experiment with different careers? Or strike out on my own as an entrepreneur?

Should I be on the lookout for a husband or wife? Am I ready to take the plunge? Or should I focus on figuring out who I am first?

Maybe it’s time we re-think what defines an adult. Marriage, parenting, career paths, these are the trappings of particular lifestyle choices, not necessarily eternal standards of adulthood.  

Adults are people who accept responsibility for their decisions. They may not know where they’re going, but they’re capable of weighing many options. They may not own a home, but they feel at home in their own skin and in the world. They may turn to their mentors for guidance, but they make decisions independently.

Adulthood is not a static thing. It is a process. It is the lengthiest phase of our life, and it can be the most rewarding phase, in particular if we give young adults the opportunity to savor it, to experiment with it, and to learn from it.

If you are a young person struggling with the new decisions before you and unsure of how to proceed, consider seeking guidance and insight from a therapist. One hallmark of maturity is knowing when to ask for help. As a therapist and life coach, I am available to listen and to offer an objective perspective as well as much needed support. Let's talk one-on-one about how my coaching and therapy practice can serve you. I can be reached at my Uptown New Orleans office at 504-481-8997.

Dr. Eileen Wynne, PhD

Why 30 doesn't have to be a deadline

Does the approach of 30 mean that opportunity is slipping away?
Certainly not. 

If you’re feeling the pressure of the 30 year deadline, you’re not alone. That looming date has long marked the whittling away of life’s options. Certainly in times past, this anxiety was justified. In 1900, the life expectancy of the average American was 48, making 30 a ripe old age. 

But let’s put things into perspective. Today’s average life expectancy is nearly double what it was at the turn of the last century. Maybe it’s time to consider pushing the timetable back a little bit to give emerging adults an opportunity to savor this long and winding life. 

It’s true that in 1960, 77 percent of American women and 65 percent of American men had reached the five milestones of adulthood marked by sociologists - completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child. However, a lot has changed in the United States since then. We know much more than we did.

For one thing, we’ve learned a lot about the way that human brains develop as we age. Once upon a time, we were fairly certain that brains “aged out” in our teen years, but tests by neurologists in the 1990s showed that wasn’t the case. On the contrary, they indicated that the brain continues to change, refining its processes, becoming better and better at what it does, for much longer than we originally thought. The prefrontal part of the brain - that part of the brain that lets you consider your own thoughts, make decisions, and set goals - is still evolving in the mid-twenties, which might explain why you’re feeling ambivalent about your future if the big 3-0 is on your horizon. 

Albert Einstein once said, “A person who has not made his great contribution to science before the age of 30 will never do so.” There’s no doubt about Einstein’s genius, but even he made mistakes. The average age of Nobel Laureates today is between 45 and 60, and the most inspired work of physicists happens in their forties. 

What does this all mean for you? It means you have time. Your life expectancy is luxuriously long compared to your ancestors. You marvelous brain is still still evolving, stretching to reach its potential. The rush towards adulthood can become a more meaningful journey. The pressures to marry, choose a lifelong career, bear children, accomplish greatness - they can all wait a little longer for you.

If you're an emerging adult feeling the pressure of decisions that lie before you, it may be that you would benefit from counsel. As a therapist and life coach, I am available to listen and to offer an objective perspective as well as much needed support. Let's talk one-on-one about how my coaching and therapy practice can serve you. I can be reached at my Uptown New Orleans office at 504-481-8997.

Dr. Eileen Wynne, PhD

Emerging adulthood: Time for decisions and revisions.

Do I dare disturb the universe?

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

From The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot

In past years, graduation has been a time of excitement and possibility. More often now, I listen to my patients express worry and fear as the big day draws closer.

What is it that has led to this ambivalence about the next phase of life? Why are my young patients so overwhelmed by doubts when they might instead be overwhelming their friends and family with adventurous hopes and plans?

Clark University psychology professor Jeffrey Jensen Arnett has coined the term emerging adulthood to describe what would appear to be a new phenomenon in human development. Emerging adulthood describes the period in a person’s life between the ages of 18 and the late twenties when the child is first emerging from a still protected status into an independent way of life.

But wait, you may say. What’s so different about modern young people that they get a whole new phase of life? Haven’t all humans, then, experienced the same phase throughout history?

Perhaps in some cases, but modern youth face challenges and opportunities that quite simply did not exist for the majority of the population in human history. Let’s consider a few.

Today, graduating students find themselves thrust into an information-based economy. Fewer jobs exist overall, and those that are most desirable require greater expertise, which means more education. Young people must compete vigorously for unpaid internships or burden themselves with thousands upon thousands of dollars in university debt.

Conversely, they find themselves in an entrepreneurial ecosystem that broadens the field of possibility considerably for any person with reasonable intellect, creativity, and even very limited means. The number of startups has increased dramatically over the past few years - 13% between 1999 and 2012. The information economy has made it possible for young, business savvy entrepreneurs to sell their expertise and their products online with little risk and great potential for reward.

Marriage is occurring much later in life, with three-quarters of young people choosing to live with their romantic partners instead for at least some period of time. Likewise, the rush to have children has subsided as birth control has become more acceptable and women’s career options have increased.

This leaves today’s young people in a quandary between the accepted mores of their parents and grand-parents and a very brave new world with seemingly limitless options.

Which way to go? How to decide among them? Do I dare disturb the universe?

The good news, graduates, is that you don’t have to decide today. Emerging adulthood is a natural by-product of longer human lives with many more opportunities to make decisions and revisions in the years to come. Enjoy your special day today. Do not fear what tomorrow may hold. It holds enough to keep you busy, but no more than you can handle.

If you're a young adult going through a life transition, you may be facing conflicting decisions and emotions. Rather than idle in confusion, worrying and fretting, perhaps you would benefit from counsel. As a therapist and life coach, I am available to listen and to offer an objective perspective as well as much needed support. Let's talk one-on-one about how my coaching and therapy practice can serve you. I can be reached at my Uptown New Orleans office at 504-481-8997.

Dr. Eileen Wynne

Has a hookup left you feeling like an emotional zombie?

Students still long for more intimate
connections with others.

Match.com has cornered the market on creating happy marriages via the internet according to their commercials, and technology has certainly enabled people to connect with distant soul mates. However, the advent of social media, consisting of random bytes of information flung into the public sphere without thought to consequences, responsibility, or the emotional impact on others, has also led to more fragile relationships in many cases; students who rely heavily on virtual interactions to sustain them socially, often miss the more valuable aspects of real-world connections. 

Pair this detached approach to relationships with the all too common binge drinking of college age students, and you have a recipe for  risky hook ups. Even among young people, there are disputes about the meaning of the phrase hooking up. While the physical act can run the extremes from kissing to casual sex, negative psychological consequences remain constants. 

Hooking up, especially under a veil of alcohol or drugs, obscures responsibility, causes psychological harm, and devalues the importance of meaningful relationships. Where there is no expectation of future contact or commitment once the deed has been done, there can be no expectation of emotional investment or shared responsibility should unwanted repercussions - pregnancy or STD, for example - arise. For those college age students who engage in sex with casual acquaintances, relinquishing the intimate emotional bonds that come from a committed relationship means coping with unforeseen consequences alone. 

Psychological studies have repeatedly shown links between casual sex and psychological injury. While students may experience confidence and even pride during a casual sexual encounter, feelings of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem commonly creep into the psyche after the events. Though a momentary hookup may alleviate feelings of loneliness momentarily, participants in Kinsey researcher Justin Garcia’s study of casual sex among students reported increased feelings of loneliness after these fleeting interactions. Likewise, participants in the study who experienced no depression prior to a casual sexual encounter, elicited depressive symptoms after.

In her book The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy, author, lecturer, and professor Donna Freitas suggests that dating may be a thing of the past and that romance, in turn, may have breathed its last. So prevalent has casual sex become that the term "emotional zombies" has been coined to describe individuals who have never experienced authentic romantic relationship, moving instead through mindless, emotionless sexual encounters. Yet, consistently, during my therapy sessions, both males and females say they long for more relatedness.

We thrive on relationships as a species. From birth through death, our troubles are more tolerable, our fears more bearable, and our lives more pleasurable thanks to the comforting arms of our family and friends. Meaningful, authentic connections provide a safe haven for us, and committed romantic bonds can be a source of joy, excitement, and encouragement. To develop these relationships, though, we have to demonstrate respect for ourselves and for others. Don't settle for less. Make your relationships powerful, strong, and healing.

Dr. Eileen Wynne PhD

References:

Bersamin, M., Zamboanga, B. L., Schwartz, S. J., Donnellan, M. B., Hudson, M., Weisskirch, R. S., Kim, S. Y., Agocha, V. B., Whitbourne, S. K., & Caraway, S. J. (2014). One night stands may not be good for your mental health: Casual sex and psychological well-being and distress. Journal of Sex Research, 51, 43-51

Freitas, D. (2013). The End of Sex; How Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy. Basic Books: New York.

Garcia, J. R., Reiber, C., Massey, S. G., & Merriwether, A. M. (2012). Sexual hookup culture: A review. Review Of General Psychology, 16(2), 161-176. doi:10.1037/a0027911

Alcohol and College Students: new consequences for old addictions

Four out of five students drink alcohol.

‘Drink! Drink! Drink!’ The refrain of a frat party on a modern campus? Certainly. But the same shouts rang out in the 20s and 30s when theater-going scholars embraced William Meyer-Fosters’s play Old Heidleberg, the story of a young German prince experiencing college’s trials and tribulations. When the play was adapted into a popular operetta called The Student Prince in 1954, young college students of the conservative post-World War II era could be heard singing the 'Drinking Song' with its rousing chorus of ‘Drink! Drink! Drink!’ in gatherings across college campuses. 

Some elements of student behavior are neither new nor unique. College students have always experimented with alcohol, and most likely they always will. In the past, one-on-one emotional relationships with others provided a moral compass and sounding board for students faced with such temptations. As I mentioned last week, however, technology and social media today have left many young people in the midst of a growing social chasm wherein their peers are more far flung and less genuinely connected than in the past. 

For those students who long for relationships outside of the virtual world, college is still filled with the same struggles as ever. Perhaps more than any other time in an individual's life, the need to belong, to fit in, to be a part of the crowd is pervasive in college. Even with all of our advances, negative peer pressure is still a powerful influence on students that can delay their growth into individuals confident enough to separate from the pack and begin their own, unique journeys in life. Even with all of our new addictions, alcohol still promises to grease the social wheels for students looking to fit into a peer group. One patient told me, "When I’m drunk I feel like I’m more fun to be with.” 

Alcohol has been around since the Stone Ages, and it’s a safe bet that since that time, young people have been pressuring one another to partake. Today, researchers state that four out of five students drink alcohol and roughly 50% of them binge drink. Not surprisingly then, wild house parties filled with students playing beer pong, taking shots of liquor, and posting drunken pictures on Facebook are not uncommon among college students today. 

In fact, peer norms, activities, and patterns correlate positively with binge drinking, making it a nearly universal aspect of college life. Unfortunately, while peer-induced binge drinking may be an old tradition, new technologies mean that the impact can be more far reaching. When future employers search for a recent graduate online, will they find images of the candidate passing out bowls of soup as part of a local outreach or simply passing out? 

The value of a real life peer group, a circle of friends who will support you and encourage you to make wise decisions, can not be overestimated, and while alcohol may win you friends for an evening, it does so at the cost of your health, your decision-making faculties, and your peace of mind. Attempting to unravel the events of a night of binge drinking should be lesson enough in the powers of alcohol to increase rather than reduce college stress.

Experimentation is a necessary and valuable component of college life. New freedoms have been granted us. New opportunities arise. We make mistakes and learn from them, discarding behaviors that don't enrich our lives. We learn to weigh life more consciously, to risk more wisely, and to take responsibility for our actions. Most importantly, we learn to respect ourselves and the lives and spirits of those around us.

Dr. Eileen Wynne PhD