Speak My Language: Effectively Communicating Appreciation

With his own marriage still going strong after over 45 years, a successful career as a marriage counselor, and numerous marriage conferences under his belt, Dr. Gary Chapman’s expertise is pretty clearly demonstrated. He is passionate about helping people strengthen this key relationship in their lives by providing more effective tools for communication. 

Among other resources, you will find his Five Love Languages (described in detail in his book: The Five Love Languages: The Secret  to Love that Lasts), which I will focus on in this post. The idea behind his book, is that identifying and defining the different ways that individuals feel most appreciated and connected, is fundamental to high functioning relationships. If you express love in one way, but your partner understands another mode of communicating, you may be sending signals that are not being received. If, however, you understand how to show your affection and appreciation in a way that is clear to your partner, your communication and your relationship will improve dramatically. If you use a language that is meaningful to your partner, your messages will be received and understood. 

Let’s look at the five “languages” that people commonly use to express intimacy and affection.

Acts of Service

For some people, the way they understand love best is by the kinds of thoughtful gestures their partners do for them. For these communicators, taking out the garbage or packing a lunch will speak volumes more than telling them how you feel. When acts of service is the language your partner understand best, think of the old idiom: actions speak louder than words. They will understand that you love them most clearly when you do things that they can see as caring. Take them out to a favorite restaurant, run their car through the car wash, rent a movie they have been wanting to see. This may be the simplest language, but if you have a partner who “speaks” it, you will need to be thoughtful and observant to be able to communicate effectively. 

Physical Touch

If your partner’s primary love language is physical touch, the fastest way to let them know you care is a hug, taking hold of their hand, or even putting your hand on their shoulder while watching a movie. Touch has a great deal of power to convey emotions. For these communicators, the fastest and most effective way to communicate your feelings is by some kind of physical affection. This does not have to mean over-the-top public displays, it can be as simple as putting your arm around their waist. People who crave physical affection respond well to all kinds of touch and you can let them know how you are feeling about them with the simplest gesture. 

Quality Time

For those whose primary language is quality time, the most effective way to communicate is by giving them your attention. Let your partner or spouse know you care by scheduling a one-on-one dinner or taking an evening walk and discussing the events of the day. For this type of communicator, your undivided attention is pure gold. For quality time communicators, the best way to let them know you appreciate them, is by turning off the television, putting your phone away and focusing on them (not a bad practice for anyone in any type of relationship).

Receiving Gifts

If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, the best way to express your love and devotion, is through small, thoughtful gifts to them. You need not buy them lots of expensive things thoughtful items will serve to express your feelings. Cards, flowers, favorite snacks are all effective tools for communicating your feelings. If they speak the language of receiving gifts, tokens of your affection will send the clearest signal to them. Recognize their accomplishments with small gifts of things they love, pick up a nice bottle of scotch or a box of chocolates and they will feel valued and adored.

Words of Affirmation

This language focuses on speaking your appreciation aloud to your partner, telling them what you observe and value about them. This can be as simple as “thanks for dropping the kids at school today” or “I really am thankful that you helped me take my car to the mechanic this morning.” You may think that your spouse just knows you appreciate these things, but for those for whom this language is most meaningful, your words are the most valuable currency. This language represents a verbal acknowledgement of the things you notice and treasure about your spouse, and for those whose primary language in verbal, it is the best and easiest way to communicate your appreciation and affection. 

If you don’t immediately recognise your own language, will take the quiz. To me, this tool is a win-win, because knowing a little bit more about yourself and your partner can only serve to strengthen the bond. Additionally, Dr. Chapman developed a similar set of languages for the workplace, which can be a very valuable tool for those managing teams. His belief in this methodology does not stop there, he has also written books about the five languages for teens and for children, and even for singles, so if this information is meaningful to you, there are additional resources available.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages

http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html

Resource Report: More Universities Provide Mental Health Services

After reading a recent article focusing on Tulane's concerns over the rise in mental health problems among students and other similar articles about the “mental health crisis” among university students and the staggering increase in anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions on campuses nationwide, I thought I would write about the resources that are available to students at more and more college and university campuses across the country.  At an ever-increasing number of schools, mental health centers are popping up and providing students with important resources for coping with stress and anxiety, as well as dealing with larger issues. Universities administering psychological support to students is a big step forward, though still a relatively new practice.

Why the focus on better mental health for students?

It is widely accepted that those entering college today are significantly more likely to struggle with mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression. Over the last decade, the increase has been marked. In 2014, the National Survey of College Counseling Centers noted that 94% of college counselors say that they have observed increasing numbers of students with severe psychological problems. The National Alliance on Mental Illness says that 3/4 of cases of mental health conditions begin by age 24 and over 25% of college students have been treated by a mental health professional in the past year. These statistics are a real wake up call. Not only do conditions such as anxiety and depression seriously impede academic performance, they can, in extreme situations, be deadly. Suicide is the number three cause of death on college campuses. 

What is causing this crisis?

There are a number of cultural factors that are contributing to the crisis in mental health of emerging adults. Some suggest that the ever-changing religious and unstable political climates and the breakdown of traditional family structure are key contributors. Others believe it has something to do with students attending schools farther from home. Regardless of the cause, it is a fact that students are suffering and struggling and as the surrogate caretakers of these young adults, colleges and universities are shouldering much of the responsibility for the mental health care of students. 

The approach and services

The rise of university mental health services in recent years marks a tremendous leap forward in terms of awareness and treatment for students who are struggling. Hopefully, it also indicates less stigma being attached to mental health issues than in the past. In campus mental health centers, care is often provided by mental health professionals including: psychiatrists, clinical psychologists, and clinical social workers.

A quick survey of campus mental health centers across the U.S. shows that some of the typical programs & treatments available include:

• Tools for coping with stress and anxiety
• Counseling for depression, eating disorders, and other mental health issues
• Mind body centers
• Alcohol & drug treatment
• Sexual assault counseling
• Self assessment tools
• Group therapy
• Crisis hotlines
• Outreach programs

Unfortunately, for individuals dealing with major mental health conditions, the limited services available through college and university mental health centers may not provide sufficient support. Typically, in such situations, these centers can provide a point of contact with the community, giving students expanded resources. Unfortunately, though there are more resources today than in the past, there are not nearly enough professionals to meet student needs. An opinion article penned by a college student in Irvine demonstrated that there was 1 mental health professional to every 1700 students at her college. This kind of ratio is fairly standard. I can only hope that by discussing and writing about the issue and raising awareness, we can get more professionals in these centers to help students. 

Stop by next month, we will further discuss this topic. 

References:
http://news.yahoo.com/tulane-s-mental-health-meltdown-144028239.html

http://www.newuniversity.org/2015/04/opinion/demand-for-mental-health-resources-on-campus-highlights-inadequate-resources/

http://cmhc.utexas.edu/whatwedo.html

http://yalehealth.yale.edu/mentalhealth

http://www.uhs.umich.edu/mentalhealthsvcs

http://www2.nami.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Find_Support/NAMI_on_Campus1/Learn_About_The_Issue/Learn_About_The_Issue.htm

Modern Love: Communication Styles of Men and Women

It is often noted that men and women communicate and process emotions differently. If we recognize, appreciate, and embrace differences, it can help us have more satisfying relationships. Let’s break down a few of the key differences in communication styles and look at how understanding them can improve our relationships. It is important to note that there are lots of exceptions to the generalizations below, I am simply attempting to shine a little light onto an issue that can cause conflict in many relationships.

Do male and female brains really process differently?
Perhaps. It is generally accepted that women are better communicators than men, they are better able to recognize emotional cues and are naturally more empathetic, picking up on myriad non-verbal cues from others. Women tend toward compromise and solutions that take into account the feelings of all parties involved. Men, however, are less communicative and more task-oriented. They are not as adept at reading and interpreting non-verbal cues and they tend toward independent problem-solving action when emotions are aroused. This is partly because men process from the problem solving left hemisphere of the brain, while women process equally between both hemispheres. This means men want to solve a problem with a linear series of tasks, while women may combine many approaches at once when problem solving. In women, the sections in the brain which handle language are markedly larger, making verbal communication easier, while the logic or “math” section of the brain is larger in men, making them want to solve problems by taking logical actions. This may be the reason men seem more focused on problem solving while women are considered more emotionally-focused.

How can this information help us communicate better?
Awareness of these differences can help remind us not to get frustrated when someone of the opposite gender doesn’t seem to understand us. It can also enable us to come up with intelligent communication solutions. For example, women can directly express their emotions and desires rather than expecting men to pick up on more subtle non-verbal cues. Men can practice verbally expressing emotions to women, rather than moving directly into problem-solving actions.

What are you thinking?
This is a question so common that it’s become a cliche, often, women become quiet when they are feeling hurt or unhappy. On the other hand, when a man stops talking, it can be an indication that he is in the process of solving a problem. Again we see that men’s brains are wired to direct them to action during times of emotion, whereas, women’s wiring drives them to discuss highly emotional matters. It takes longer for men to physically and chemically regain composure after an emotional event than it does for women which can also help to explain why men may want to take some action right away to help them alleviate increased levels of stress chemicals in the body.

The role of society in gender differences
No matter how similar men and women are, there are still some key differences. These tend to be magnified by the expectations and norms of society. Recognizing this can help us solve conflicts and develop stronger bonds. Cultural ideas of masculinity and femininity have added a layer of difficulty to communication between genders. Modern Western culture tends to allow women to be emotional and sensitive while pressuring men to be strong and unemotional. Generally speaking, men process emotions privately and tend to keep things to themselves for fear of appearing weak, while women are expected to talk about feelings and can freely cry and emote. In reality, everyone can benefit from communicating about problems and talking through conflicts.

Next time you have an emotionally charged exchange with someone of the opposite gender, consider the type of conditioning that they may have received and how they might be processing the situation differently. Remember that we all deal with highly emotional situations in our own way and that sometimes, even our gender can play a role in how we deal with conflict. When you take the time to consider the other’s point of view, you will be well on your way to more effective communication.

Sincerely,
Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/25/how-men-and-women-process_n_6510160.html?ir=Women&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046
http://www.emotionalprocessing.org/Full%20World%20of%20emotions/Emotional%20Processing%20&%20Gender/Emotional%20expression%20in%20men%20&%20women.html
http://www.thehopeline.com/102-why-do-women-handle-emotions-differently-than-men/
http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/psychology_articles/men-women-emotions.html

Working World: Career Advice for Millennials

The job environment that Millennials find themselves in, is different than any that has come before. Fortunately for many of you reading this, a recent article posted by HowMoneyWalks.com suggests that New Orleans is the best city to be launching your careers in. This rating was determined by looking at four key factors:

• low unemployment rates
• good job availability
• overall affordability of the city
• entertainment options

The article notes that “New Orleans is a rapidly growing hub for creative careers.” It also notes that we have affordable rent, amazing cuisine, and low unemployment. So, it seems, you are starting out with an advantage. You still face challenges. Below are a few tips for navigating the move from college into the working world.

Get Experienced
Think of yourself as a lifelong learner. As you move through internships and positions, think of each as an experience from which you can learn valuable skills. Don’t stop learning! Take classes, read journals, and join seminars. The more you learn about the subjects that interest you, the more you have to offer in your career and in your life. Travel can also be an excellent way to build experience, bolstering your cultural capital and awareness. It may seem trivial, but when all other things are equal, this added dimension can mean the difference between being offered a great position and missing out on it.

Choose Passion
Work in your field, even if you cannot find the ideal position. Don’t settle for a job that will pay the bills but will leave you feeling uninspired. You’ll have a much better chance of making an impact and getting noticed by the right people if you are in the field you’re passionate about. Jump in with both feet, and prove yourself right away, if you do, doors will eventually open for you!

Build Relationships
If we have learned anything about the difference between Millennials and Gen Xers & Baby Boomers, it is that younger people are more reliant on technology which can cause communications glitches with older colleagues. Make eye contact, pick up the phone from time-to-time, or meet in person. You will never be sorry for taking the time to cultivate an authentic relationship with a colleague. These bonds are what make people want to offer you help, mentorship, and even opportunities later in your career. Additionally, if you have time and inclination, you should find a mentor who is living the kind of life you’d love to live. Spending time with a seasoned professional will provide you with invaluable insights into the career you desire. Don’t be afraid to accept wisdom from those who have come before. Your ideas may be innovative and exciting, but the wisdom of those who have been where you want to be can provide you with information that can help you refine and polish your innovative ideas turning them into awesome solutions. Remember that there is a time for talking and time for listening.

There is so much good career advice out there. The working world today may be less stable than it once seemed, but the flexibility has created an environment where those of you just starting your careers can really create jobs and lives tailored to meet your needs and inspire your greatest passions. 


Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2013/10/17/my-10-best-pieces-of-career-advice-for-millennials/

http://www.howmoneywalks.com/making-your-way/the-10-best-places-to-start-a-career-as-a-millennial/

http://www.inc.com/welcome.html?destination=http://www.inc.com/samuel-bacharach/be-less-cool-career-tips-for-millennials.html

Secrets of a Manufactured Romance

In 1997 psychologist Arthur Aron and a team of colleagues published the results of a study designed to look at interpersonal closeness. In the experiment, the team was successful at making two strangers fall in love. How did he do it you ask? The experiment was quite straightforward. Two heterosexual participants (who were also strangers) entered a lab. One was male, one was female. They were required to sit across from one another and answer a series of 36 personal questions, which started out almost playful, eventually becoming quite penetrating, among them were questions like:

• Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
• What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
• How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
• Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
• Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
• What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

After responding to the series of questions, the participants were required to look silently into one another’s eyes for a period of four minutes. Throughout the experiment, gradually increasing levels of vulnerability created a bond between the participants at an accelerated rate. A kind of deliberate & expedited intimacy was achieved almost immediately as a result of this vulnerability. 

The surprising outcome of the experiment? The two participants fell in love and were married six months later. 

Biological components inclusive of such chemical powerhouses as hormones and pheromones are, of course, requisite elements in the process of falling in love. Nonetheless, the study demonstrates that it is possible to generate strong feelings between individuals, simply by making them communicate with one another on a deeply personal level. That is definitely nothing to scoff at! This study suggests that we can decide to care about others and consequently create the right conditions for trust, intimacy, and vulnerability, setting the stage for friendship and even love. 

The implications are powerful. 

At the mundane level, it’s easy to see that getting to know people around us can help create community and compassion fairly quickly and easily given a bit of effort.  However, if you are looking at the bigger picture, it seems that with very little in common and the right amount of attention and effort, humans are capable of caring for anyone. This optimistic research bodes well for the potential of creating a more peaceful and compassionate society.

If you want to try for yourself, check out the free mobile app, designed by the NY Times in consultation with Arthur Aron (lead author of the study). Visit nytimes.com/36q it will tak about 50 minuted to complete.

References

http://psp.sagepub.com/content/23/4/363.full.pdf+html

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

http://newscenter.berkeley.edu/2015/02/12/love-in-the-lab/

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CCUQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.com%2Felaine-aron-phd%2F36-questions-for-intimacy_b_6472282.html&ei=AkQUVfS9IMO6mAX69YCADA&usg=AFQjCNHk2Eea9YE6LMWPY8YXpLKYRkAXlg&sig2=_jESLX5Na6BorcSDfQObww&bvm=bv.89217033,d.dGY

At Odds: When Friends are Frenemies

Friendships fall into various categories. Each with its own level of significance and impact on your overall level of social and emotional satisfaction. There are close friends and casual acquaintances. But there is another type of friend that you’ve probably encountered, the frenemy. First appearing in print in 1953, this term has become commonplace terminology in popular culture. The word frenemy is a combination of friend and enemy that points to relationships that are affable yet antagonistic. From the pervasiveness of this concept, it seems nearly everyone has had an encounter with one of these chums.

The relationships in your life are probably highly varied, ranging from those people you consider part of your inner circle to old friends who feel almost like family. There are also more casual friends and acquaintances in the periphery. Finally, you have a number of people you know socially, such as activity partners and colleagues. All of these associations bring some kind of value to your life. The frenemy may appear to add value, but in truth, the relationship is often hurtful and even damaging to self esteem. 

Identifying a frenemy

How do you know if you have a frenemy? You have likely had a subtle sense that things are not quite right with this person, no matter how much you like them and enjoy their company, there is a lingering sense that you can’t really trust them. Maybe you have heard that they spread gossip about you behind your back, or when you accomplish something, rather than being happy for you, they express envy. Perhaps it’s the backhanded compliments that come in place of genuine ones. Things like: “that haircut makes your face look so much less chubby!” or “wow, you actually look pretty with make-up on.” A compliment that smarts after it’s been given isn’t really a compliment at all and such statements can be indicative of a hostile friendship. It may be hard to identify your frenemy because there are times when they appear to be on your side, but then, you find that they’ve spoken poorly of you or flirted with your boyfriend. Frenemies are difficult for just this reason. There are qualities you like and enjoy, and others that make you feel awful. 

Another clue that your friend is a frenemy is a competitive attitude toward you or your accomplishments. If your friend is always comparing herself to you and competing with you, she’s could be a frenemy. Real friends tend to celebrate your accomplishments rather than behaving in a competitive manner. Frenemies are not genuinely happy for you and they let you know it. Continued encounters with frenemies can erode your confidence and self esteem. The feeling of competition can make you feel anxious and can even make hanging out with them stressful for you. Frenemies come in many shapes and sizes, chances are, if a friend frequently makes you feel bad using the subtle techniques mentioned above to undermine you, you’ve got a frenemy.

Strategies for dealing with a frenemy

Once you have identified that your friend isn’t really a friend, you will probably want to take some action. First, you may want to run your suspicions by someone you trust. This will help you put the situation into perspective.  Next, you’ll probably want to talk to your frenemy and tell them what you’ve observed. Let them know how gossip, competitiveness, and backhanded compliments make you feel. Your frenemy is probably not aware that these things have hurt you, so be calm and prepared for their surprise and even denial. After you talk, it will be easier to gauge whether the relationship is worth saving. If your frenemy seems genuinely surprised and willing to engage in a dialog about how certain behaviours have made you feel, you may want to continue to be friends. If she reacts with anger and hostility, chances are, she is not ready to acknowledge the unhealthy behaviour and you may need to make a break. Every situation is different. One thing you can count on is that you’ll feel better after sticking up for yourself and your feelings. 

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like help dealing with any of the relationships in your life.  I am available to new clients who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

http://friendship.about.com/od/Types_of_Friendships/a/Is-She-A-Frenemy.htm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201304/the-3-types-frenemies

Biology of Love: Brain Chemistry and Relationships

Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist who studies love, romance & personality and the chief scientific advisor at Match.com. She has written two books, books Anatomy of Love and Why We Love that look at the biology of who we choose to fall in love with. Recently, her Ted talk and NPR interview have given me some food for thought. I wanted to share some of what I have learned with you.

The biology of attraction & love

There are a number of social, economic, and psychological forces that work together to determine how we choose a mate, but what Fisher researches are the biological factors. In other words, she looks at temperament, traits which are heritable and linked to specific genes, hormones and/or neurotransmitter systems. Many people have wondered, over the centuries, what kind of magical force inspires human love. Biologically speaking, it simply comes down to chemicals. What goes on in the brain when we are in love? There are four primary chemicals that are released: serotonin, dopamine, estrogen, testosterone.  

Chemical personality types that determine romantic preference 

Using website, Chemistry.com (a division of Match.com), Fisher has developed a series of 56 questions called the Fisher Temperament Inventory designed  to collect data from a wide variety of respondents. Using the data collected from millions of individuals (thousands each month),  Fischer has been able to uncover 4 broad personality types based on dominance of these chemicals.  Although the actual chemicals are not measured, Fischer has built a series of questions designed to determine the levels of brain chemicals released in different people. After determining which type respondents are, she observes who individuals of each type choose to partner with. In her research, Fisher identifies 4 types of personality types based on typical neural systems.

Explorers. What Fisher refers to as a dopamine system. There individuals crave novelty and adventure. They are more susceptibility to boredom and tend toward impulsivity. Explorers have high energy and enthusiasm. Explores also tend to lack introspection.

Builders. This systems includes those with a serotonin system. Tendencies include sociability, lower anxiety, and more close friends. Builders tend to be cautious and observe social norms and rules, they also have respect for authority. They express self-control and conscientiousness.

Directors. These individuals have a testosterone system. They are  self confident and assertive. Directors pay acute attention to details and have deep, narrow interests. They also tend to be less socially aware, with poorer emotion recognition. Directors exhibit little eye contact and are less verbally fluent, and they also show less empathy. 

Negotiators. These individuals have an estrogen based system. They tend toward cooperation and holistic and long-term thinking. Negotiators are intuitive, empathetic and agreeable. Generosity and trust are also traits associated with these individuals. 

What is your type? Find out  here.

Want to take one of her love quizzes? Click here.

After identifying the types, Fisher further noted how types choose romantic partners. Basically, what she discovered can be broken down in a few sentences. Explorers like other explorers. Builders like other builders. Directors and Negotiators tend to like their opposites. Less magical, perhaps, than one might hope, but incredibly fascinating information. A final noteworthy bit of Helen Fisher’s research demonstrates that when you suffer heartbreak, the chemicals in your brain actually match the intensity of the chemicals you express when you are in love. The motivation and craving for the object of affection actually grow more active and the intensity greater when you are unable to get what you want. Fisher is likely to continue this research, and there are many other open questions to be answered. For now, the realization that there is a strong chemical component to love might make navigating the murky waters of romance a little clearer. 

If this post interested you, listen to Helen Fisher’s Ted Radio Hour episode: What Happens To Our Brain When We're In Love?

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to further discuss the relationships in your life. I am available to young professionals and emerging adults who are ready to overcome their challenges on a quest to transform their lives!  My website it full of blog entries and useful content to help you along your way, and I hope you find this free content useful on your journey. Feel free to reach out to me directly if have any questions or if you are interested in scheduling a private session.

Sincerely,

Dr. Eileen Wynne

References

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY
http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/Article_%20We%20Have%20Chemistry.pdf